tehdisturbedone
Innately yearning for eternal sleep
- Oct 24, 2019
- 42
I am currently a psychology major, and I'd like to finish a PhD but the more I learn the more I feel like I won't be able to help myself or others. It also makes me feel like I've wasted the last good chunk of my life doing something that was never going to work out. I dropped out of HS at 15, dropped out of CC and now I am currently attending an expensive private 4-year college. I took this major as a way of self-help and because I didn't want to take from others without giving back, but I'm having a hard time seeing it as being viable to any extent for me personally. At this point, I feel really guilty for all the money I've made my parents spend on my education and the times I've faltered.
I hold really dystonic ideologies that aren't necessarily innately mine like I have a hard time settling for anything less than a A- and I took a B+ last semester. This semester I've kind of let go because my cousin killed himself at the start of the semester. To me, a B+ is a D; and this semester i've gotten what has been my worst midterm grades ever with two 70 somethings. I already can't afford school even though I've gotten FASFA and a really fat scholarship it still runs me around 5-6 k a year. One of my biggest fears is not being able to afford grad school or not being able to even apply due to my GPA. While I've only taken 2 b's in maybe the last 20-25 classes I took a lot of f's d's c' b's a's during my 2-year degree because I was told that I could retake any class and that wasn't the case. I have another issue pretty much every day I go to school and it just feels like that I'm not doing what my soul wants and it feels like I'm just trying to disprove my parents or rather live up to their dreams and not mine. I'm not quite sure I want to waste my whole life trying to prove to my parents that I could be better than them when I know I probably will never be. No matter how many classes or what grades I get its the same response, my dad and mother were somehow able to get solid 4.0s while taking 20-30 units a semester. My mom even got a perfect score on the GRE and was able to get her entire education paid for and then some. Like the other day I thought the highest grade I was gonna get in a major class I am taking was a C and I already started mentally planning who was gonna get my belongings and what not. I dont know how miserable I look but for whatever reason, I've had two professors recommend me to our school's mental health services and I've had one of my professors 'threathen' me with a welfare check
For as long as I can remeber the first logical thought I've ever concocted has been that I'd be better off the dead. I'm now 25 and this feeling is becoming more and more substantiated every day. I guess I joined this forum in some vain attempt to possibly connect to others but I'm just really looking for a viable solution that isn't grisly. I do know that no matter what at some point where it's now or maybe 50 years down the line that I will take my destiny into my own hands. I feel that depression, anxiety, and brain deficiencies run in my family and I can see them in my grandpa, father, aunt, my cousin and myself. My grandpa has prescribed Xanax for decades, and my cousin was successful on his 5th attempt. I don't know why I joined this forum other than that but I've always had a feeling of not wanting to be here and that feeling is growing stronger every day. I honestly kind of feel like a pussy because I'm not always willing to go through what my cousin did. 10 years ago if you gave me the pills it'd be easy but for whatever reason, the only thing I'm comfortable with is an exit bag.
I find my suicidal ideation and depression to be disabling to my life and it doesn't allow me to live in a way that feels whole, so to speak. It's definitely wierd to see people I know who I thought were as dysfunctional as I have relationships and what not but for some reason, I just can't picture that for me. I do plan on amassing the equipment for an exit bag, but I'm not sure exactly what I need but I have a buddy whose EMT that I can get a lot of stuff from.
I guess what I'm even remotely attempting to get at is, I'm tired of waiting for the next day to come but I'm not sure how dumb or pathetic my situation is. I'm attempting to retry CBT but I'd like to have all my things in place for whatever reason. The further I get through my education the more fucked up I think limbic system is and that my brain and and genetics predispose me to feel like shit every day. I have enough meds to probably OD', but that's probably and I'd much much rather use an exit bag. It's some bullshit that we can't pay for a doctor to put us down when they do it to animals every day; are we any better than animals?
I hold really dystonic ideologies that aren't necessarily innately mine like I have a hard time settling for anything less than a A- and I took a B+ last semester. This semester I've kind of let go because my cousin killed himself at the start of the semester. To me, a B+ is a D; and this semester i've gotten what has been my worst midterm grades ever with two 70 somethings. I already can't afford school even though I've gotten FASFA and a really fat scholarship it still runs me around 5-6 k a year. One of my biggest fears is not being able to afford grad school or not being able to even apply due to my GPA. While I've only taken 2 b's in maybe the last 20-25 classes I took a lot of f's d's c' b's a's during my 2-year degree because I was told that I could retake any class and that wasn't the case. I have another issue pretty much every day I go to school and it just feels like that I'm not doing what my soul wants and it feels like I'm just trying to disprove my parents or rather live up to their dreams and not mine. I'm not quite sure I want to waste my whole life trying to prove to my parents that I could be better than them when I know I probably will never be. No matter how many classes or what grades I get its the same response, my dad and mother were somehow able to get solid 4.0s while taking 20-30 units a semester. My mom even got a perfect score on the GRE and was able to get her entire education paid for and then some. Like the other day I thought the highest grade I was gonna get in a major class I am taking was a C and I already started mentally planning who was gonna get my belongings and what not. I dont know how miserable I look but for whatever reason, I've had two professors recommend me to our school's mental health services and I've had one of my professors 'threathen' me with a welfare check
For as long as I can remeber the first logical thought I've ever concocted has been that I'd be better off the dead. I'm now 25 and this feeling is becoming more and more substantiated every day. I guess I joined this forum in some vain attempt to possibly connect to others but I'm just really looking for a viable solution that isn't grisly. I do know that no matter what at some point where it's now or maybe 50 years down the line that I will take my destiny into my own hands. I feel that depression, anxiety, and brain deficiencies run in my family and I can see them in my grandpa, father, aunt, my cousin and myself. My grandpa has prescribed Xanax for decades, and my cousin was successful on his 5th attempt. I don't know why I joined this forum other than that but I've always had a feeling of not wanting to be here and that feeling is growing stronger every day. I honestly kind of feel like a pussy because I'm not always willing to go through what my cousin did. 10 years ago if you gave me the pills it'd be easy but for whatever reason, the only thing I'm comfortable with is an exit bag.
I find my suicidal ideation and depression to be disabling to my life and it doesn't allow me to live in a way that feels whole, so to speak. It's definitely wierd to see people I know who I thought were as dysfunctional as I have relationships and what not but for some reason, I just can't picture that for me. I do plan on amassing the equipment for an exit bag, but I'm not sure exactly what I need but I have a buddy whose EMT that I can get a lot of stuff from.
I guess what I'm even remotely attempting to get at is, I'm tired of waiting for the next day to come but I'm not sure how dumb or pathetic my situation is. I'm attempting to retry CBT but I'd like to have all my things in place for whatever reason. The further I get through my education the more fucked up I think limbic system is and that my brain and and genetics predispose me to feel like shit every day. I have enough meds to probably OD', but that's probably and I'd much much rather use an exit bag. It's some bullshit that we can't pay for a doctor to put us down when they do it to animals every day; are we any better than animals?
