Venting In the process of planning.

[sk3let0n]

Forgive the post, it's going to be a long one.

I've had suicide in the back of my mind for a while. I'm diagnosed with manic depression since I was thirteen, and had anorexia nervosa since I was fourteen.
Recently, I've dropped to my lowest weight.

Before dropping to my lowest weight and prior to developing anorexia nervosa, my family didn't notice me. They didn't care. I was always the fat, ugly stain on the family - the human trash can. The kid who ate whatever and whenever he wanted, always went back for seconds, and ate what the others didn't want. I was a foodie, truly. My father even told me once that I make him look like a shit parent because of how disgustingly overweight I was.

I would go out for hours, sometimes reaching up to 12-15 hours out of my house, and they wouldn't even notice I left. On Boxing Day, I was out from 8am to 9pm literally just walking. I hit my highest step count that day, because I was forced to eat the night before on Christmas (this took a toll on me and left me bedridden for the next two days). When I got back, my entire family was just doing their own thing and didn't even notice I'd left or walked through the front door again.

They'd sure as shit know if my sister or bother left, though. My mum would constantly harass my sister with text messages asking if and when she'd be back home, where she'd gone, who she was with, and my sister was and is an adult (she's 19 now). At Christmas, I was only 17. If my sister didn't eat for the day, it was such a huge family event and she was coddled and treated like a baby. If I didn't, it was assumed I'd probably eat a shit ton later on. I was underweight at Christmas. My brother has to be taken everywhere by my dad, and again bombarded with text messages and calls if he'd been out for a few minutes too long.
This was never the case for me, as I've mentioned.

Then, my grades started getting good. Like, REALLY good. I was on a streak of getting A*A*A*, and my family started to notice me. Mind you, my sister is averaging a DDD, and she failed her maths exam. She was still treated like a princess.
Then, I dropped to my lowest weight. They started to care. They started to act like my life had value to them, and that they were "worried" about me. They'd never worried about me before. Ever. When I collapsed and was put on a shit ton of medication, they didn't care. I have to be weighed every week by my doctors, they couldn't care less. When an ambulance was sent to my house because my doctor thought I was in immediate danger of killing myself, they sent the ambulance away and convinced them I'm fine. I had no say in this. I was not fine, they didn't even ask me.

The only day they'd care about me was payday, and that was because I was putting money in their pockets. I had to give them a shit ton of money just to live in my own house. I don't even make £300 a month, and yet they'd take more than half and leave me to fend for myself. By that I mean I'd barely have enough money to cover transport to and from school, and to and from work. I didn't have any extra spending money, even though I earned it all by myself. I work two jobs, by the way. Just to make them happy. They're not poor by any means, and it's not as if they're in dire need of money. They have money; they just want mine.

Only now they care, but still not in the way that you'd imagine. They call me disgusting and revolting, and say that I look absolutely horrid. Their "care" is throwing insults at me and calling me gross. But, they've also started to ask me where I'm going and what I'm doing.

So, there we go. I know you'd probably would have expected me to ctb a long, long time ago, but I had friends then. Now, I do not. They've all decided they don't want to be around an anorexic freak who won't go out partying or won't go to restaurants because of the calories. You probably think I'm pathetic, too. Not that I care anymore.

Anyway, I have my method. I'm going to do it after I get my A-Level results. I have to know before I go. I'll write a note.

 

[MrDarkness]

I'm sorry your life has been a shit show, I hope your able to get away from your family and find help or peace with your eating disorder, I used to binge eat all the time when I was depressed, I'd be shit on by my brother and dad and usually called a fat pig. I hope your able to find peace in life or death

 

[The anhedonic one]

No, I don't think you are pathetic at all. Life has been cruel to you like so many others here. It's not your fault.
Anyway, welcome to the forum. Sorry this dreadful world has brought you here.
You can vent away here without fear of judgement and lots of good people to support you.

 

[day]

Sorry to hear you're at this point OP. You're far from pathetic if anything this world is what's pathetic. I hope you find peace and happiness regardless of any decision.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so awful and tiring what you have to endure, existence is just too cruel. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

What is your method, if you don't mind saying?

 

[BornHated]

Pathetic? Dude, you're a tank. I have more respect for you than any of the people I've talked to IRL within the past year, I'm sure.
The people who would look down on you knowing all of that are morally deficient IMHO. You were born to two degenerates and even brought money to their table for their unreasonable expectations after bringing you to this world and despite your EDs, despite their shit treatment, despite the HORRID feeling of loneliness of being the family scapegoat, have made it this far.

You're doing your absolute best with what you've got and I'm sorry they roped you into treating you this way because they know they've got the other two they've made to take care of them in old age already. I know you understand you can't take as many gambles in standing up for yourself because there's too many against you. I know that pain, it's so hard.
The partiers are people who have life on a way easier mode, please don't mind their bs if they've given you any. You were born into a considerably rougher life than most but I hope you know there's people out there who resonate with you and would love to help you if they could.

Just in case: Have you read about narcissistic parents? It helped me a ton to unpackage my own situation and heal some. Dr. Ramani on YT helped me a lot.
If you feel up to it, I also strongly recommend reading "Healing the Shame that Binds You", it also helped me start making sense of a bunch of shit.

Whether you choose to end up hanging onto life or letting go, I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible, man. I deeply respect you for getting this far.

 

[sk3let0n]

Pathetic? Dude, you're a tank. I have more respect for you than any of the people I've talked to IRL within the past year, I'm sure.
The people who would look down on you knowing all of that are morally deficient IMHO. You were born to two degenerates and even brought money to their table for their unreasonable expectations after bringing you to this world and despite your EDs, despite their shit treatment, despite the HORRID feeling of loneliness of being the family scapegoat, have made it this far.

You're doing your absolute best with what you've got and I'm sorry they roped you into treating you this way because they know they've got the other two they've made to take care of them in old age already. I know you understand you can't take as many gambles in standing up for yourself because there's too many against you. I know that pain, it's so hard.
The partiers are people who have life on a way easier mode, please don't mind their bs if they've given you any. You were born into a considerably rougher life than most but I hope you know there's people out there who resonate with you and would love to help you if they could.

Just in case: Have you read about narcissistic parents? It helped me a ton to unpackage my own situation and heal some. Dr. Ramani on YT helped me a lot.
If you feel up to it, I also strongly recommend reading "Healing the Shame that Binds You", it also helped me start making sense of a bunch of shit.

Whether you choose to end up hanging onto life or letting go, I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible, man. I deeply respect you for getting this far.

Hey, thanks so much for this. This was so positive and uplifting. Thank you so, so much.
Both of my parents are absolute narcissists - even my dad's mum called him a sociopath to me. That man has no emotion at all. My mum just follows my dad like a sad little servant because she wants his money and his affection. She's jobless.

They're both degenerates, you're completely right about that. I have actually argued with them about the money they take from my account every single time I get paid, and they just tell me that I'm acting like a child for complaining about it because they had to do it when they were growing up and had jobs. I'm sorry, but "keep" and "rent" doesn't mean take nearly all my fucking paycheque and leave me completely broke.

I've genuinely done nothing to either of them to deserve it, I know I haven't. My sister also gives me shit, too. Whenever someone calls me pretty or says that I look good, she takes offence, because she makes it a point to tell me that she is better looking than I am. It's fact, and she gets many more compliments on her appearance than I do by a long shot. She likes to rub it in my face. When she's on FaceTime to her boyfriend, she will forcibly move me towards her and show him my arms and my legs by ragging my sleeves up my arms to show him how "revolting" I look. She also just tells him my secrets and traumas to him in my presence to humiliate me.

My mum also LOVES a good argument. She will push me and push me and push me until I snap, and then when we argue she acts like she's done nothing wrong and LOVES to scream at me. The other day she started an argument over the fact I drank one of MY PEPSI CANS. MINE. She said that I have too many, so she started SCREAMING at me.

I'm so, so thankful for your comment. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my shit ramble. Your words mean so much.
However, I do think my time has ran out. There's nothing left for me any more - I'm tired of being stuck in this monotonous cycle of waking up, being ignored or screamed at, having "urgent" doctor's appointments where they make me strip and weigh me, going to work and enduring a bunch of shit from either snotty customers from my second job or my cruel boss from my first job, and then going home to find that my brother or sister has completely trashed my room after I've cleaned it. This happens every. Single. Day.

What is your method, if you don't mind saying?

I'm going to take a shit ton of paracetamol and ctb in my sleep.

It must be so awful and tiring what you have to endure, existence is just too cruel. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

Thank you for your kind words. (:

Sorry to hear you're at this point OP. You're far from pathetic if anything this world is what's pathetic. I hope you find peace and happiness regardless of any decision.

Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to leave such a kind comment.

No, I don't think you are pathetic at all. Life has been cruel to you like so many others here. It's not your fault.
Anyway, welcome to the forum. Sorry this dreadful world has brought you here.
You can vent away here without fear of judgement and lots of good people to support you.

Thank you. It's been hard trying to accept that I don't deserve their abuse. I appreciate your comment wholeheartedly.

I'm sorry your life has been a shit show, I hope your able to get away from your family and find help or peace with your eating disorder, I used to binge eat all the time when I was depressed, I'd be shit on by my brother and dad and usually called a fat pig. I hope your able to find peace in life or death

Ah, I know that feeling well. I used to be stuck in this b/p cycle until I broke out of it and decided to not eat much of anything. That's how I got here. I eat maybe a few crackers, gum and sugar free Pepsi. That's all. Other people more worthy of food than I am deserve to eat.
My entire family used to give me the nickname "fatty" and "pig". They legit started to get my attention by referring to me as "oi, piggy!"

I wish you all the best, and I hope you know that you are definitely more than your weight. The number on the scale is absolutely not a testament to who you are as a person, and I'm sure you're probably super, super cool in real life. I hope you're well.

 

[ChiseHatori]

Hey, I also grew up with narc parents (mom and stepdad) who were similar to yours (asking for money I didn't have for rent, not caring about me, caring for others, making me look like shit in front of other people or what have you etc.) I completely understand your will to CTB, I was exactly the same and attempted often, but I was a dumb kid (mostly due to the neglectful parents) and my methods didn't work. I'm 25 now, I left home the day after I turned 18 (I tried to leave earlier but they got the cops to bring me back, so they could get more out of me)

If you can hold out and maybe get to a shelter or somewhere safe, I would try that before CTB. Life is so much different once you're away from toxic parents. Even though I'm at a low point right now, I had a lot of really good experiences I wouldn't have had had I managed to CTB before, because I managed to escape. I hope you can too, but if you can't, I wish you the best either way. If I could get you out personally I would. You don't deserve this. I hope your evening is peaceful.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

When I hear the word stain it reminds me of a story of a girl whose ex would refer to black people as stain….

I remember in the story when the ex got into a physical fight with his dad ( and it said Somerset was the location of the parents house ). I remember in the story the ex would tell his then gf that his parents mainly his father never really cared for him like the way they cared for his little sister or his other two brothers ( the sister was studying at Bournemouth university at the time) and how he refused to help him after he got a driving ban and how he resented them that he had to flee to France to go and live with his then gf who he later said was a cheater ( something I even doubt now since he is a liar) and how when he came back from France the parents had charged the locks because they didn't want him back there because he was so troublesome.

I remember in the story how this ex had a report from the police for getting into a fight with someone over drugs that the other person threatened him with a knife and the knife was even pulled on his neck. The then gf was so shocked as she had no idea and that's what prompted her to search for his name online and behold he had a long history of criminality of stealing fuel at so many different stations and this later made so much sense when his mate later on referred to him as a thieving addict ( his name was called Dangy in the book) and how he later kicked him out because he was fed up of his antics again and he had to start lying on Dangy's name and fortunately Dangy's mates didn't believe all he was lying about that they had to ask him if it was true but Dangy's mates actually believed him because they knew he wouldn't be the sort of person to do or say as what the thieving addict was saying.

I remember from the story Dangy saying that police were at his door everyday looking for the thieving addict that Dangy had to kick him out and he had tried to lie to Dangy's mates but fortunately Dangy's mates saw right through him. I remember even in the story his mate Dangy mentioned how he was weird but still choose to give him the benefit of the doubt as people had warned about him before.

He even mentioned about him being a good liar ( which is true because he later on lied about the ex accusing someone of rape) so disgusting. The ex do remember though hearing a very different version of events from the ex bf as he painted Dangy as this lunatic who preyed on young girls and how he treated him poorly when they lived together.

In the story the ex even went back to read some of the old messages and there is messages of all these lies including the false rape allegations, I always wonder though why did the former friend denied it so much recently when asked about those allegations by this girl who is said to have made these allegations but he keeps on telling everyone that she made those rape allegations. This story is so twisted and everyone was looking for their own backs and there is a lot of lying, scheming and back stabbing. The line that stick in the story is when the former friend wrote "you are so stupid to be defending the coloniser, after he bragged to the whole world to kicking you out". There was so much back and forth that I had even forgotten about some parts of this story that I had to reread everything and there is a lot of things that didn't make so much sense then but they do make so much sense now.

OP I saw some things that were similar in your Post to some things I read from the story such as the former friend talking how bad it was his other former friend he had fallen out with had said his family eat too much, how he was disrespectful and looked down upon them, how he even called police on them, how he looked down upon his family because none of them had degrees, how he always claimed to be better and how loneliness kills and also so many pictures of people he would take from their social media accounts just making fun of their looks.

This former friend also spoke on how his sister was dating a physically abusive man that he even sent the friend the screenshots etc and that's not even something the friend had told anyone but the former friend is always running and telling everyone this girl's family business to everyone mind you he was also in a physically abusive relationship himself even before.

What a book was written for all of this and even so much more was there that was written.

All the best OP and I hope the story i read in the book can be a good read for you. From what i learned from this is that " They get so much joy when they do it to you but when do it to them they don't like it".

Kana motaura nevhedu zivai napamunogumira because tine zvenyuwo zvatinoziva. This quote is from a language that I didn't even want to translate because it is so deep in that language.

 

[BornHated]

Hey, thanks so much for this. This was so positive and uplifting. Thank you so, so much.
Both of my parents are absolute narcissists - even my dad's mum called him a sociopath to me. That man has no emotion at all. My mum just follows my dad like a sad little servant because she wants his money and his affection. She's jobless.

They're both degenerates, you're completely right about that. I have actually argued with them about the money they take from my account every single time I get paid, and they just tell me that I'm acting like a child for complaining about it because they had to do it when they were growing up and had jobs. I'm sorry, but "keep" and "rent" doesn't mean take nearly all my fucking paycheque and leave me completely broke.

I've genuinely done nothing to either of them to deserve it, I know I haven't. My sister also gives me shit, too. Whenever someone calls me pretty or says that I look good, she takes offence, because she makes it a point to tell me that she is better looking than I am. It's fact, and she gets many more compliments on her appearance than I do by a long shot. She likes to rub it in my face. When she's on FaceTime to her boyfriend, she will forcibly move me towards her and show him my arms and my legs by ragging my sleeves up my arms to show him how "revolting" I look. She also just tells him my secrets and traumas to him in my presence to humiliate me.

My mum also LOVES a good argument. She will push me and push me and push me until I snap, and then when we argue she acts like she's done nothing wrong and LOVES to scream at me. The other day she started an argument over the fact I drank one of MY PEPSI CANS. MINE. She said that I have too many, so she started SCREAMING at me.

I'm so, so thankful for your comment. Thank you for taking the time to respond to my shit ramble. Your words mean so much.
However, I do think my time has ran out. There's nothing left for me any more - I'm tired of being stuck in this monotonous cycle of waking up, being ignored or screamed at, having "urgent" doctor's appointments where they make me strip and weigh me, going to work and enduring a bunch of shit from either snotty customers from my second job or my cruel boss from my first job, and then going home to find that my brother or sister has completely trashed my room after I've cleaned it. This happens every. Single. Day.

I'm going to take a shit ton of paracetamol and ctb in my sleep.

Thank you for your kind words. (:

Thank you. I really appreciate you taking the time to leave such a kind comment.

Thank you. It's been hard trying to accept that I don't deserve their abuse. I appreciate your comment wholeheartedly.

Ah, I know that feeling well. I used to be stuck in this b/p cycle until I broke out of it and decided to not eat much of anything. That's how I got here. I eat maybe a few crackers, gum and sugar free Pepsi. That's all. Other people more worthy of food than I am deserve to eat.
My entire family used to give me the nickname "fatty" and "pig". They legit started to get my attention by referring to me as "oi, piggy!"

I wish you all the best, and I hope you know that you are definitely more than your weight. The number on the scale is absolutely not a testament to who you are as a person, and I'm sure you're probably super, super cool in real life. I hope you're well.

Your sister is the "Golden Child" in family systems like these. With the dogs we've had in my family unit and how my parents treated them I noticed a similar pattern, and I realized that what happens is that they usually lift the kid they relate to the most. And since they're so trashy and pushy, they probably relate to your more aggressive snobass sister and boosted her up from early on while devaluing you because you represent the more authentic, level-headed folks that would best them.

When I recommended "healing the shame that binds you," it was because this sort of stuff in family dynamics was really dissected within the first chapters of the book. You've had to fight so much, you've earned way more than just food, don't say you're not worth the food.
I'm also getting worried about your choice of CTB- I hope you realize that even if you're anorexic atm, you're still running huge risk of surviving paracetamol OD and that's irreversible. And I don't even want to think what BS your... Relatives would pull on you in an even more vulnerable state. Be real careful with that, it's a painful trip.

Your case actually brought me to tears. My life story differs but my dynamic with my mother is the same issue. It hurts to know you wouldn't chance to taste life outside of that.
Is there legit no chance of you to get a scholarship or something to at least have a few years at uni? No chance to move out? Even if you CTB down the road, finding a home environment that doesn't feel like a third job from your first two. I know it may not be luxurious but it would be something worth fighting for if you can score some found family so you get to see different sides of life before you CTB. We usually hear roommate horror stories but I've also seen amazing things.

If you ever feel like venting or just having someone to talk to about whatever (hobbies, killing time on the bus to work or something, etc) I can give you my Discord or something. Having someone around that understands/cares enough helped ease my pain and anxiety loads enough to think straight, and I'd offer any knowledge I have that could help from the power struggles with my own narcs.

 

[sk3let0n]

Your sister is the "Golden Child" in family systems like these. With the dogs we've had in my family unit and how my parents treated them I noticed a similar pattern, and I realized that what happens is that they usually lift the kid they relate to the most. And since they're so trashy and pushy, they probably relate to your more aggressive snobass sister and boosted her up from early on while devaluing you because you represent the more authentic, level-headed folks that would best them.

When I recommended "healing the shame that binds you," it was because this sort of stuff in family dynamics was really dissected within the first chapters of the book. You've had to fight so much, you've earned way more than just food, don't say you're not worth the food.
I'm also getting worried about your choice of CTB- I hope you realize that even if you're anorexic atm, you're still running huge risk of surviving paracetamol OD and that's irreversible. And I don't even want to think what BS your... Relatives would pull on you in an even more vulnerable state. Be real careful with that, it's a painful trip.

Your case actually brought me to tears. My life story differs but my dynamic with my mother is the same issue. It hurts to know you wouldn't chance to taste life outside of that.
Is there legit no chance of you to get a scholarship or something to at least have a few years at uni? No chance to move out? Even if you CTB down the road, finding a home environment that doesn't feel like a third job from your first two. I know it may not be luxurious but it would be something worth fighting for if you can score some found family so you get to see different sides of life before you CTB. We usually hear roommate horror stories but I've also seen amazing things.

If you ever feel like venting or just having someone to talk to about whatever (hobbies, killing time on the bus to work or something, etc) I can give you my Discord or something. Having someone around that understands/cares enough helped ease my pain and anxiety loads enough to think straight, and I'd offer any knowledge I have that could help from the power struggles with my own narcs.

This is, by far, the most heartwarming comment I've ever received in my entire life. This, too, brought me to tears; I can't thank you enough for the sweetest comments and anecdotes you've left me. Just..Thank you. I hope you're also well.

Scholarships work a bit differently here in the UK, as you have to have them if they're offered, and they're barely ever offered here. They usually get paid for by celebrities, such as footballers, and I don't meet the criteria for most of them. That means I'm just left with a massive amount of student debt.

The thing is, paracetamol is the only thing I have access to. I can't use any of the other methods because they're practically inaccessible.
I don't see my life getting any better outside of this - I've been told by people around me who pretend to care that it gets better, and it never has. I've waited five years for it to get better, and it never has.

I do have discord, if you'd like to talk. I'd be up for that. (:

Hey, I also grew up with narc parents (mom and stepdad) who were similar to yours (asking for money I didn't have for rent, not caring about me, caring for others, making me look like shit in front of other people or what have you etc.) I completely understand your will to CTB, I was exactly the same and attempted often, but I was a dumb kid (mostly due to the neglectful parents) and my methods didn't work. I'm 25 now, I left home the day after I turned 18 (I tried to leave earlier but they got the cops to bring me back, so they could get more out of me)

If you can hold out and maybe get to a shelter or somewhere safe, I would try that before CTB. Life is so much different once you're away from toxic parents. Even though I'm at a low point right now, I had a lot of really good experiences I wouldn't have had had I managed to CTB before, because I managed to escape. I hope you can too, but if you can't, I wish you the best either way. If I could get you out personally I would. You don't deserve this. I hope your evening is peaceful.

This sounds like something exactly like my parents would do. They'd probably call the police to bring me back so they could rinse me dry again. I want to see if I can try and get into university first before I go, and then if I can get accommodation. Even if I do, though, I'll probably end up doing it anyway because I am just so fed up. I can't do it anymore. I've spent every single day studying and working towards my life goals and making two people who will never love me happy. I am so, so tired. I work from the afternoon right up until 11pm some days, and I barely sleep.

I can't even live with any of my relatives because they all love both of my parents. They don't see what I see. Even my mum has been abused by him and she's threatened to kill herself, and then when he buys her something and tries to make up for it they go back to being all Lovey-dovey. I'm sick of it. I can't breathe in this house. I can't even leave because I have no money and nowhere I can go.

I really appreciate your message, though. Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. I'm so thankful that someone with a similar experience took the time out of their day to help me out, thank you so much.

When I hear the word stain it reminds me of a story of a girl whose ex would refer to black people as stain….

I remember in the story when the ex got into a physical fight with his dad ( and it said Somerset was the location of the parents house ). I remember in the story the ex would tell his then gf that his parents mainly his father never really cared for him like the way they cared for his little sister or his other two brothers ( the sister was studying at Bournemouth university at the time) and how he refused to help him after he got a driving ban and how he resented them that he had to flee to France to go and live with his then gf who he later said was a cheater ( something I even doubt now since he is a liar) and how when he came back from France the parents had charged the locks because they didn't want him back there because he was so troublesome.

I remember in the story how this ex had a report from the police for getting into a fight with someone over drugs that the other person threatened him with a knife and the knife was even pulled on his neck. The then gf was so shocked as she had no idea and that's what prompted her to search for his name online and behold he had a long history of criminality of stealing fuel at so many different stations and this later made so much sense when his mate later on referred to him as a thieving addict ( his name was called Dangy in the book) and how he later kicked him out because he was fed up of his antics again and he had to start lying on Dangy's name and fortunately Dangy's mates didn't believe all he was lying about that they had to ask him if it was true but Dangy's mates actually believed him because they knew he wouldn't be the sort of person to do or say as what the thieving addict was saying.

I remember from the story Dangy saying that police were at his door everyday looking for the thieving addict that Dangy had to kick him out and he had tried to lie to Dangy's mates but fortunately Dangy's mates saw right through him. I remember even in the story his mate Dangy mentioned how he was weird but still choose to give him the benefit of the doubt as people had warned about him before.

He even mentioned about him being a good liar ( which is true because he later on lied about the ex accusing someone of rape) so disgusting. The ex do remember though hearing a very different version of events from the ex bf as he painted Dangy as this lunatic who preyed on young girls and how he treated him poorly when they lived together.

In the story the ex even went back to read some of the old messages and there is messages of all these lies including the false rape allegations, I always wonder though why did the former friend denied it so much recently when asked about those allegations by this girl who is said to have made these allegations but he keeps on telling everyone that she made those rape allegations. This story is so twisted and everyone was looking for their own backs and there is a lot of lying, scheming and back stabbing. The line that stick in the story is when the former friend wrote "you are so stupid to be defending the coloniser, after he bragged to the whole world to kicking you out". There was so much back and forth that I had even forgotten about some parts of this story that I had to reread everything and there is a lot of things that didn't make so much sense then but they do make so much sense now.

OP I saw some things that were similar in your Post to some things I read from the story such as the former friend talking how bad it was his other former friend he had fallen out with had said his family eat too much, how he was disrespectful and looked down upon them, how he even called police on them, how he looked down upon his family because none of them had degrees, how he always claimed to be better and how loneliness kills and also so many pictures of people he would take from their social media accounts just making fun of their looks.

This former friend also spoke on how his sister was dating a physically abusive man that he even sent the friend the screenshots etc and that's not even something the friend had told anyone but the former friend is always running and telling everyone this girl's family business to everyone mind you he was also in a physically abusive relationship himself even before.

What a book was written for all of this and even so much more was there that was written.

All the best OP and I hope the story i read in the book can be a good read for you. From what i learned from this is that " They get so much joy when they do it to you but when do it to them they don't like it".

Kana motaura nevhedu zivai napamunogumira because tine zvenyuwo zvatinoziva. This quote is from a language that I didn't even want to translate because it is so deep in that language.

Thank you for your response, but I don't know how this relates to me..?

 

[BornHated]

This is, by far, the most heartwarming comment I've ever received in my entire life. This, too, brought me to tears; I can't thank you enough for the sweetest comments and anecdotes you've left me. Just..Thank you. I hope you're also well.

Scholarships work a bit differently here in the UK, as you have to have them if they're offered, and they're barely ever offered here. They usually get paid for by celebrities, such as footballers, and I don't meet the criteria for most of them. That means I'm just left with a massive amount of student debt.

The thing is, paracetamol is the only thing I have access to. I can't use any of the other methods because they're practically inaccessible.
I don't see my life getting any better outside of this - I've been told by people around me who pretend to care that it gets better, and it never has. I've waited five years for it to get better, and it never has.

I do have discord, if you'd like to talk. I'd be up for that. (:

This sounds like something exactly like my parents would do. They'd probably call the police to bring me back so they could rinse me dry again. I want to see if I can try and get into university first before I go, and then if I can get accommodation. Even if I do, though, I'll probably end up doing it anyway because I am just so fed up. I can't do it anymore. I've spent every single day studying and working towards my life goals and making two people who will never love me happy. I am so, so tired. I work from the afternoon right up until 11pm some days, and I barely sleep.

I can't even live with any of my relatives because they all love both of my parents. They don't see what I see. Even my mum has been abused by him and she's threatened to kill herself, and then when he buys her something and tries to make up for it they go back to being all Lovey-dovey. I'm sick of it. I can't breathe in this house. I can't even leave because I have no money and nowhere I can go.

I really appreciate your message, though. Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. I'm so thankful that someone with a similar experience took the time out of their day to help me out, thank you so much.

Thank you for your response, but I don't know how this relates to me..?

If anything I'm glad my concern is showing through and being felt! Solidarity matters more than we think it does for our mental health, I've found.
Honestly, the avoidance of debt is absolutely realistic fear considering your situation. If you do university for accommodations, you might not even need to do the whole degree. The first year alone, if there's financial aid for it (there is in the States for those with low income households), can be completed for credits and is usually all you need to start on better jobs. At least here in Spain it's all you need so that they don't filter you out on job search sites, and it would be a manageable form of debt instead of the full-degree insanity.
I've seen a few people without degrees make it out OK and alive, and yes it's a risk to end up with some shitty roommates but I think there's plenty of room for improvement even with a mediocre roommate for how you're living. and again, even if you do CTB later on anyways at least... Idk, at least you got to see an improvement before you went.

My user on discord is the same as here, claimed the username today so no number tag. Feel free to add me! You likely can't send PMs through this site yet until you post more so I decided to put it here.
Whatever you end up doing, I hope it goes smooth. I'm always down to try and help you find solutions or just to vent at cause God, ugh.

 

[sk3let0n]

If anything I'm glad my concern is showing through and being felt! Solidarity matters more than we think it does for our mental health, I've found.
Honestly, the avoidance of debt is absolutely realistic fear considering your situation. If you do university for accommodations, you might not even need to do the whole degree. The first year alone, if there's financial aid for it (there is in the States for those with low income households), can be completed for credits and is usually all you need to start on better jobs. At least here in Spain it's all you need so that they don't filter you out on job search sites, and it would be a manageable form of debt instead of the full-degree insanity.
I've seen a few people without degrees make it out OK and alive, and yes it's a risk to end up with some shitty roommates but I think there's plenty of room for improvement even with a mediocre roommate for how you're living. and again, even if you do CTB later on anyways at least... Idk, at least you got to see an improvement before you went.

My user on discord is the same as here, claimed the username today so no number tag. Feel free to add me! You likely can't send PMs through this site yet until you post more so I decided to put it here.
Whatever you end up doing, I hope it goes smooth. I'm always down to try and help you find solutions or just to vent at cause God, ugh.

Thank you, I've sent you a request. My discord username is gr3ysm0ke.
I meant student accommodation as in where you live while studying. Here in the UK you have to complete the whole degree or drop out and do something else. I have to complete the whole degree.
I want to study Law, if I ever end up actually getting to do that, but for now my life just doesn't seem to be getting any better.

Actually, mid-writing this, my mother has just decided to come into the dining room to scream at me, yet again, for eating the other half of the rice and throwing it back up again. Even though, I legitimately haven't. Lol. Like, I really haven't,. Yes, I ate the other half of the rice.
But that's because I haven't eaten all day. I'm HUNGRY. No, fuck that, I'm FUCKING STARVING.

I don't think there's any point to doing this anymore. I love my other job and I love my other boss, but I just can't get behind living anymore. My boss from the chippy I work at is the only adult who's ever shown me any form of kindness and has actually been interested in what I have to say. I mean, get this - that man asked me to send him some of the essays I have written from school because he wants to read them and read my work. My parents have not once asked me to do that. I had to beg my mum to proofread one of my essays to check for errors that I couldn't find. He even drove me home because my parents couldn't be bothered to pick me up, and he even offered it to me before I even started working at the place. He said if I wanted he could drop me off home from work after my shifts. Now that is kindness that I'm not used to.
I pay him back by getting to my job early and helping him set up for the day and buying sweets to make his daughter happy while we're getting prepared. I also help clean up before we start work and clean again before the shop closes. He acts like what I have to say means something, and that type of attitude is just completely unfamiliar to me.

I guess the only reason I still haven't gone through with it yet is because I like working for him. He even gave me a raise the day after I started (slightly above minimum) because I was so good at my job and I'm dedicated. Again, this completely blew me away. Of course, though, mother dearest took nearly all my fucking money from that day, so it all went down the shitter.

 

[BornHated]

Thank you, I've sent you a request. My discord username is gr3ysm0ke.
I meant student accommodation as in where you live while studying. Here in the UK you have to complete the whole degree or drop out and do something else. I have to complete the whole degree.
I want to study Law, if I ever end up actually getting to do that, but for now my life just doesn't seem to be getting any better.

Actually, mid-writing this, my mother has just decided to come into the dining room to scream at me, yet again, for eating the other half of the rice and throwing it back up again. Even though, I legitimately haven't. Lol. Like, I really haven't,. Yes, I ate the other half of the rice.
But that's because I haven't eaten all day. I'm HUNGRY. No, fuck that, I'm FUCKING STARVING.

I don't think there's any point to doing this anymore. I love my other job and I love my other boss, but I just can't get behind living anymore. My boss from the chippy I work at is the only adult who's ever shown me any form of kindness and has actually been interested in what I have to say. I mean, get this - that man asked me to send him some of the essays I have written from school because he wants to read them and read my work. My parents have not once asked me to do that. I had to beg my mum to proofread one of my essays to check for errors that I couldn't find. He even drove me home because my parents couldn't be bothered to pick me up, and he even offered it to me before I even started working at the place. He said if I wanted he could drop me off home from work after my shifts. Now that is kindness that I'm not used to.
I pay him back by getting to my job early and helping him set up for the day and buying sweets to make his daughter happy while we're getting prepared. I also help clean up before we start work and clean again before the shop closes. He acts like what I have to say means something, and that type of attitude is just completely unfamiliar to me.

I guess the only reason I still haven't gone through with it yet is because I like working for him. He even gave me a raise the day after I started (slightly above minimum) because I was so good at my job and I'm dedicated. Again, this completely blew me away. Of course, though, mother dearest took nearly all my fucking money from that day, so it all went down the shitter.

Oh my God, that's so much pressure. They don't let you pause after completing a year and then go back? It's not credit-based? The more I learn about the system there the scarier I find it.
The dynamic between you and your parents is gonna be hard to crack but I wonder if there's expectations that can be managed between them. Anything that can give you some leverage here.
See, though the connection with your boss is light, it's clearly something you value. I wouldn't be surprised if he senses that you're a good kid and actually wants to help you out. He's showing he cares by going that extra mile for you, it is quite uncommon for employers to go that mile. It's very possible he suspects your parents aren't the best around and is willing to pitch in however he can, though he doesn't know what it's actually like behind the scenes for you.

How are your parents taking your money? From what you've described you're close to legal adult age, so it should be possible for you to open an account. You don't have to tell them and maybe you can pocket change for yourself and give them just a portion. I hope they don't expect you to fork over all the cash as soon as you get home.

 

[sk3let0n]

Oh my God, that's so much pressure. They don't let you pause after completing a year and then go back? It's not credit-based? The more I learn about the system there the scarier I find it.
The dynamic between you and your parents is gonna be hard to crack but I wonder if there's expectations that can be managed between them. Anything that can give you some leverage here.
See, though the connection with your boss is light, it's clearly something you value. I wouldn't be surprised if he senses that you're a good kid and actually wants to help you out. He's showing he cares by going that extra mile for you, it is quite uncommon for employers to go that mile. It's very possible he suspects your parents aren't the best around and is willing to pitch in however he can, though he doesn't know what it's actually like behind the scenes for you.

How are your parents taking your money? From what you've described you're close to legal adult age, so it should be possible for you to open an account. You don't have to tell them and maybe you can pocket change for yourself and give them just a portion. I hope they don't expect you to fork over all the cash as soon as you get home.

Yes, in fact, as soon as I get home they take it - they know how much I earn an hour, and how many hours I work, so they take as much as they'd like as soon as I get home. It's quite literally a prison. If I don't like it, I'll get kicked out - the thing about that is, I can't afford to live on my own, especially with mounting student debt, so I'm trapped.

I'm very aware of the privilege of having an exceedingly good boss. My other boss is an absolute prick who is just out to get everyone at all times, and made a big song and dance when my doctor asked me to come in for an emergency appointment because of how low my weight has gotten. It was because I had to take the day off. One of the very few times I do take days off, and I will only take a shift off under absolutely dire circumstances.

I know. University shit here in the UK is absolute ass. In other European countries, they don't even have to pay to attend. It's free for them. I wish we were that lucky. :/

 

[BornHated]

Yes, in fact, as soon as I get home they take it - they know how much I earn an hour, and how many hours I work, so they take as much as they'd like as soon as I get home. It's quite literally a prison. If I don't like it, I'll get kicked out - the thing about that is, I can't afford to live on my own, especially with mounting student debt, so I'm trapped.

I'm very aware of the privilege of having an exceedingly good boss. My other boss is an absolute prick who is just out to get everyone at all times, and made a big song and dance when my doctor asked me to come in for an emergency appointment because of how low my weight has gotten. It was because I had to take the day off. One of the very few times I do take days off, and I will only take a shift off under absolutely dire circumstances.

I know. University shit here in the UK is absolute ass. In other European countries, they don't even have to pay to attend. It's free for them. I wish we were that lucky. :/

Only other idea I have is say you got a pay cut somehow (this is if they don't handle the paperwork regarding your employment) and come home to give them that new set amount while pocketing change. For the kind boss: Do you think you can explain parts of the situation to him? Maybe telling him you're trying to save up but your parents aren't letting you save up to move out. It could show up as a new change on the paper and he'd give the other part to you under the table.

The only other thing I can think of is finding a way to negotiate with your parents but I guess we both know they're doing this to you on purpose. Locking you down so you fear homelessness because you don't have any financial cushion to work with...
Gotta wonder if there's any abuse shelters in the UK out there, there's some here where you make an appointment and explain your situation and they try to find solutions. Here they also offer free accommodation for the cases really going through it until they can apply and get confirmation for reduced rent/mortgage housing.

 

[sk3let0n]

Thought I'd just update here.
Things in my house has seemingly gotten dramatically worse. My dad can't go a single day without shouting/screaming/physically intimidating me, because he just loves to do that SO much.

My friend has basically demanded that I stay at her house (we have recently gotten close again) for tonight, because she doesn't want me going home while he's there. That's the only positive thing that's happened this week. I love that girl. She would genuinely give me the universe if I asked her - I can't believe we ever drifted. She's so, so sweet and kind to me.

I've recently gained weight. This has made me want to kill myself more. Involuntarily recovering has driven me, quite literally, over the edge. I have no thoughts. I have actually just become a walking zombie. I'm terrified of myself.