In so much pain

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I really wish I could make myself do partial hanging, but it seems so painful and I do not want to use such a risky method especially not when I am already in so much agony.

I do not see why the pro-lifer/anti-choice government wants to take away my autonomy to make decisions about my own body.

Would they want to live everyday with crippling chronic fatigue, neuropathic pain, irritable bowel, ptsd, autism, not to mention other issues like tinnitus and TMJ that while aren't very painful for me, are incredibly annoying??

I am sick as soon as I wake up everyday. I wake up tired and aching. Even if there were possible solutions I had not tried (which trust me, I've tried nearly every single one of them) there is usually a sort of dual innervation where one issue may improve but it makes the other problem worse. Damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

I'm 21 years old. I should be worrying about having a good time with friends, studying, exploring, and learning new things. Instead I get to be in pain everyday and treated like a burden by the world because I can't just "snap out of it". Do these people know how hard it is to force yourself to go to university when your cognitive abilities declined significantly with the onset of chronic fatigue?

At university I get treated so badly despite having an individualised learning plan that states I am disabled and need extra support and attention from my lecturers. Do they care? No.

One of the lecturers in my department pulled up a presentation I had done in front of 200 people on an online meeting and said it was not great, simply because he didn't like the look of it. He said looking a someone else's work was a waste of time and not even worth the attention.

I am barely hanging on wanting to CTB everyday only to get told my best efforts are no good. I'd like to see these people try to live one day in my shoes and see how impaired my functioning truly is.

Why the fuck am I not allowed to die? It is so cruel to keep me here when things only get worse and there's no true adjustments in school or the workplace if you have significant impairment.

 

[WornOutLife]

I can't believe how mean people can be even at university!
I'm so sorry you're suffering so much.

I'm in the same dilemma with partial hanging. It's no easy at all. I wish there was an easy-peasy way to leave.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I can't believe how mean people can be even at university!
I'm so sorry you're suffering so much.

I'm in the same dilemma with partial hanging. It's no easy at all. I wish there was an easy-peasy way to leave.

So many people at uni seem to have some sort of superiority complex because they are either prestigious researchers or seem to get off on creating a stressful competitive environment. I don't understand it either.

I've tried compression and found it deeply uncomfortable, partial seems to be a similar kind of sensation, and I agree with you it is really not easy at all.

 

[drwt]

Forcing yourself to go to university and trying to live a normal life and compete with their lifestyle if you have so many problems seems near impossible. Does your country not support benefits for disabilites? Could you not instead do online courses?
I don't think real life is cut out for some people but there are ways to adapt to it. I know that it sucks that you can't have what normal people have but trying to squeeze yourself into a hole into which you do not fit will only make you more miserable (and wanting to cbt).
The real world is super competitive and fast and designed for the strong to prevail, it doesn't care about people like us.

 

[bornfree]

to be shot in my head while i sleep so i get the perfect sleep with no dreams or noghtmares or tomorrows

I really wish I could make myself do partial hanging, but it seems so painful and I do not want to use such a risky method especially not when I am already in so much agony.

I do not see why the pro-lifer/anti-choice government wants to take away my autonomy to make decisions about my own body.

Would they want to live everyday with crippling chronic fatigue, neuropathic pain, irritable bowel, ptsd, autism, not to mention other issues like tinnitus and TMJ that while aren't very painful for me, are incredibly annoying??

I am sick as soon as I wake up everyday. I wake up tired and aching. Even if there were possible solutions I had not tried (which trust me, I've tried nearly every single one of them) there is usually a sort of dual innervation where one issue may improve but it makes the other problem worse. Damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

I'm 21 years old. I should be worrying about having a good time with friends, studying, exploring, and learning new things. Instead I get to be in pain everyday and treated like a burden by the world because I can't just "snap out of it". Do these people know how hard it is to force yourself to go to university when your cognitive abilities declined significantly with the onset of chronic fatigue?

At university I get treated so badly despite having an individualised learning plan that states I am disabled and need extra support and attention from my lecturers. Do they care? No.

One of the lecturers in my department pulled up a presentation I had done in front of 200 people on an online meeting and said it was not great, simply because he didn't like the look of it. He said looking a someone else's work was a waste of time and not even worth the attention.

I am barely hanging on wanting to CTB everyday only to get told my best efforts are no good. I'd like to see these people try to live one day in my shoes and see how impaired my functioning truly is.

Why the fuck am I not allowed to die? It is so cruel to keep me here when things only get worse and there's no true adjustments in school or the workplace if you have significant impairment.

Anyone with the capacity to feel should want the protection of assisted suicide to be there to save them from facing what you are going through.

It sounds beyond awful what you are going through and your needs are clearly not being met instead it feels like your needs are being ignored. You're living like i am - without the most basic empathy and understanding to protect you. You're being owned not being cared about by being denied access to assisted suicide.

Have you tried antidepressants or do you fear going to a doctor to talk about your suicidal feelings? Sorry but as a user of legal, illegal and prescribed drugs for the mind i know they can help some feel happier and have good mental experiences but you need to find the right one that's best for you.

 

[constant_grief]

I really wish I could make myself do partial hanging, but it seems so painful and I do not want to use such a risky method especially not when I am already in so much agony.

I do not see why the pro-lifer/anti-choice government wants to take away my autonomy to make decisions about my own body.

Would they want to live everyday with crippling chronic fatigue, neuropathic pain, irritable bowel, ptsd, autism, not to mention other issues like tinnitus and TMJ that while aren't very painful for me, are incredibly annoying??

I am sick as soon as I wake up everyday. I wake up tired and aching. Even if there were possible solutions I had not tried (which trust me, I've tried nearly every single one of them) there is usually a sort of dual innervation where one issue may improve but it makes the other problem worse. Damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.

I'm 21 years old. I should be worrying about having a good time with friends, studying, exploring, and learning new things. Instead I get to be in pain everyday and treated like a burden by the world because I can't just "snap out of it". Do these people know how hard it is to force yourself to go to university when your cognitive abilities declined significantly with the onset of chronic fatigue?

At university I get treated so badly despite having an individualised learning plan that states I am disabled and need extra support and attention from my lecturers. Do they care? No.

One of the lecturers in my department pulled up a presentation I had done in front of 200 people on an online meeting and said it was not great, simply because he didn't like the look of it. He said looking a someone else's work was a waste of time and not even worth the attention.

I am barely hanging on wanting to CTB everyday only to get told my best efforts are no good. I'd like to see these people try to live one day in my shoes and see how impaired my functioning truly is.

Why the fuck am I not allowed to die? It is so cruel to keep me here when things only get worse and there's no true adjustments in school or the workplace if you have significant impairment.

That sounds awful. I can relate in that I have health problems that make me depressed. Like you I should be worrying about normal things but instead I am constantly distressed by tinnitus and visual snow, I have hormonal/fertility problems, and other issues. I'm also hanging on and I can't imagine my problems improving with age.

 

[Leiden]

I am so, very sorry you have to go through all of this. You don't deserve it.

You probably know this but TMJ can cause T,maybe you can correct that and maybe your T might go away.


Sending you all my love

That sounds awful. I can relate in that I have health problems that make me depressed. Like you I should be worrying about normal things but instead I am constantly distressed by tinnitus and visual snow, I have hormonal/fertility problems, and other issues. I'm also hanging on and I can't imagine my problems improving with age.

Im so sorry @constant_grief

 

[EnnuiCat]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this waking nightmare each day. People in general can be cruel and heartless. They lack empathy and compassion as a rule. Illnesses that don't present as physical disability such as chronic fatigue, anxiety and depression are mostly dismissed out-of-hand. Our society is not set up to help us but rather disregard us. It's beyond sad.

I hope you're able to find peace.

 

[VisionsOfHell]

Sorry you have to through so much suffering.
I can really emphasize with your post. At the beginning of my illness, my family was pushing me to stay in university but it was much too stressful for me to keep up with. All of a sudden, tasks I could finish in a few hours before getting ill, would take days to complete. Seeing fellow students move ahead of me was very frustrating.

In regards to partial, it seemed very scary to me at first aswell but it is really not risky if you prepare properly. You need to find a high anchor point though, so you get enough pressure then you'll black out quickly.

Best wishes.

 

[bornfree]

we respect your pain here. I'm sorry if you feel i disregard your pain by asking if you take antidepressants. You deserve better in life and infinite kindness but you live amongst the monsters who call themselves the human race and they care about their self interests and that's why you don't have access to assisted suicide.

That sounds awful. I can relate in that I have health problems that make me depressed. Like you I should be worrying about normal things but instead I am constantly distressed by tinnitus and visual snow, I have hormonal/fertility problems, and other issues. I'm also hanging on and I can't imagine my problems improving with age.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

we respect your pain here. I'm sorry if you feel i disregard your pain by asking if you take antidepressants. You deserve better in life and infinite kindness but you live amongst the monsters who call themselves the human race and they care about their self interests and that's why you don't have access to assisted suicide.

Thank you for showing compassion and understanding <3 I have tried many antidepressants from all different classes- except MAOIs which I couldn't obtain even when I was looking online to try and buy them. I was told ADs could help with Neuropathic pain and I've been cycled on many different ones since I was around 13 years old.

The only drug that helped any of my pain, specifically my IBS was Mirtazapine, but it caused my fatigue and brain fog to get worse, I believe because the mechanism of action of that drug is acting as a potent antihistamine rather than a serotogenic agent.

The hardest thing about getting to the stage I'm at is that you have to take things into your own hands if you want to try a new treatment because doctors are so incredibly unhelpful. The person who traumatized me the most was a doctor and even seeing a medical setting on tv triggers me.

I always feel humiliated and stupid for having such a dumb ptsd trigger, as I know if I ever tell anyone with sectioning power that I'm suicidal and they end up putting me in the psych ward- my ptsd would likely increase tenfold.

It's paradoxical that the people who are supposed to help you are the ones that hurt me. At least on this forum there are kind people who understand. Anybody I know in person tries to pressure me to see more doctors when I have tried almost 20 different drugs and I know theres not anything they can do anymore especially when my blood tests don't show much of anything, but people in the real world still seem to want to hurt me more and more because they don't believe my pain is unexplainable by the standards of modern medicine.

 

[constant_grief]

Thank you for showing compassion and understanding <3 I have tried many antidepressants from all different classes- except MAOIs which I couldn't obtain even when I was looking online to try and buy them. I was told ADs could help with Neuropathic pain and I've been cycled on many different ones since I was around 13 years old.

The only drug that helped any of my pain, specifically my IBS was Mirtazapine, but it caused my fatigue and brain fog to get worse, I believe because the mechanism of action of that drug is acting as a potent antihistamine rather than a serotogenic agent.

The hardest thing about getting to the stage I'm at is that you have to take things into your own hands if you want to try a new treatment because doctors are so incredibly unhelpful. The person who traumatized me the most was a doctor and even seeing a medical setting on tv triggers me.

I always feel humiliated and stupid for having such a dumb ptsd trigger, as I know if I ever tell anyone with sectioning power that I'm suicidal and they end up putting me in the psych ward- my ptsd would likely increase tenfold.

It's paradoxical that the people who are supposed to help you are the ones that hurt me. At least on this forum there are kind people who understand. Anybody I know in person tries to pressure me to see more doctors when I have tried almost 20 different drugs and I know theres not anything they can do anymore especially when my blood tests don't show much of anything, but people in the real world still seem to want to hurt me more and more because they don't believe my pain is unexplainable by the standards of modern medicine.

It's not a dumb trigger at all. A lot of people find hospitals/medical environments disturbing.

I guess a lot of healthy people live under the illusion that modern medicine has an answer for everything, so they just assume you haven't tried hard enough.

 

[bornfree]

Thank you for showing compassion and understanding <3 I have tried many antidepressants from all different classes- except MAOIs which I couldn't obtain even when I was looking online to try and buy them. I was told ADs could help with Neuropathic pain and I've been cycled on many different ones since I was around 13 years old.

The only drug that helped any of my pain, specifically my IBS was Mirtazapine, but it caused my fatigue and brain fog to get worse, I believe because the mechanism of action of that drug is acting as a potent antihistamine rather than a serotogenic agent.

The hardest thing about getting to the stage I'm at is that you have to take things into your own hands if you want to try a new treatment because doctors are so incredibly unhelpful. The person who traumatized me the most was a doctor and even seeing a medical setting on tv triggers me.

I always feel humiliated and stupid for having such a dumb ptsd trigger, as I know if I ever tell anyone with sectioning power that I'm suicidal and they end up putting me in the psych ward- my ptsd would likely increase tenfold.

It's paradoxical that the people who are supposed to help you are the ones that hurt me. At least on this forum there are kind people who understand. Anybody I know in person tries to pressure me to see more doctors when I have tried almost 20 different drugs and I know theres not anything they can do anymore especially when my blood tests don't show much of anything, but people in the real world still seem to want to hurt me more and more because they don't believe my pain is unexplainable by the standards of modern medicine.

it is cruel what you are going through. i hate them for what they are putting you through.

You see my signature. I call the human race the monsters who call themselves the human race. You talk about paradox but knowing the truth about human nature explains why it is not a paradox. They are brutal barbaric savages competent at making things even worse than becoming suicidal and taking away the protection of assisted suicide to give more reasons to die.

I want to die like you do. The monsters who call themselves the human race have done so much harm too me instead of killing me. I wish i could kill myself. I've tried lots of times but failed. Every failure to kill myself i regret. I take prescribed drugs but nothing makes me want to live. Every day i look forward to dying and i want no more tomorrows. They don't feel for me so they don't feel the harms i face because of their utter failures and incompetency to care so they continue to think it's okay that i will keep on feeling suicidal. They are brutal barbaric savages.

Doctors are so lucky they know how to kill themselves and have a good death and they can get access to the best methods. Many doctors have killed themselves instead of accessing care because they know their profession has nothing to offer suicidal individuals. They fail so badly at caring about suicidal individuals that doctors don't access care when they're feeling suicidal. This is how poor their care is for suicidal individuals.

They fail to recognise that assisted suicide saves. Because they see mental illness and incompetent minds instead of feel empathy for suicidal individuals. We're not all like Stephen Hawkings - i don't know how he lives without feeling suicidal.

I can't help you die a good death. You seem in all sorts of physical and mental pain and you beat yourself up a lot and take a lot of responsibility for yourself. You're facing the worst thing and that's your suicidal thoughts and feelings are an acceptable consequence - i hate them for this.

I came across a drug called palmitoylethanolamide and it may have pain relieving properties with few side effects. The research into it is not great. I use an ultra micronised version for my cat but most of the research on this drug is in humans and rats.

Palmitoylethanolamide for the treatment of pain: pharmacokinetics, safety and efficacy

Palmitoylethanolamide (PEA) has been suggested to have useful analgesic properties and to be devoid of unwanted effects. Here, we have examined critically this contention, and discussed available data concerning the pharmacokinetics of PEA and its formulation. ...

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

Gingko Biloba might improve your cognition and St Johns Wort might help you feel happier. They're both herbal remedies and there's some research into St Johns Wort demonstrating it's effectiveness however it can interfere with the absorption of certain other medications. Gingko i think improves blood flow and circulation and that's how it improves cognition. Obviously you'll read up on these and trial one at a time if you want to try something than go straight to dying.

I'm sorry these are utterly shit solutions for the enormity of the awfulness of what you are going through. I understand why you want to die and these shitty solutions are nothing that beats the value of assisted suicide.