in public i can act happy and upbeat but in private im extremely depressed and suicidal

[WildAtHeart]

anyone else like this? makes me feel wrong for feeling like this.

 

[DeathSleep]

I can relate. It makes me feel like people don't believe that I'm depressed sometimes. I don't go out much but when I do I act quite different.

 

[bloomingsicklecell]

Yes, I also feel like this. Sometimes I can't tell if I feel genuine joy or just subconsciously pretend in front of others. I barely feel joy when I'm by myself, so idk. It's all really confusing and it makes me feel stupid

 

[WildAtHeart]

I can relate. It makes me feel like people don't believe that I'm depressed sometimes. I don't go out much but when I do I act quite different.

Yes, I also feel like this. Sometimes I can't tell if I feel genuine joy or just subconsciously pretend in front of others. I barely feel joy when I'm by myself, so idk. It's all really confusing and it makes me feel stupid

yea it feels very de-validating

 

[painoflife]

It's called masking and it gets so tiring. I also do the same and I'm exhausted after a few hours having to "be normal"

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

I feel the same way. It's exhausting, but I don't want to be seen as a burden by expressing my true feelings. I'm happiest when I'm alone because that's when I don't have to act to keep others happy

 

[-Link-]

Why do you put on an act?

It could be something to do with the stigma against depression -- guilt, shame -- not wanting people to see you as weak, or as if you're a burden, or as if you need to just "get over it" or "be happy" or "stop complaining," or as if you're exaggerating or lying.

Or it could be a protective thing on your part where you feel like if you told people the reality of your depression, you'd make them feel stressed or sad or worried for you.

Or it could be a self-preservation thing -- maybe worried about being treated differently or the idea of people needing to "supervise you" or trying to talk you into unwanted treatment.

makes me feel wrong for feeling like this.

One thing is for sure... You're definitely not "wrong" for feeling like this, and your suffering is as valid as anyone else's.

 

[WildAtHeart]

Why do you put on an act?

It could be something to do with the stigma against depression -- guilt, shame -- not wanting people to see you as weak, or as if you're a burden, or as if you need to just "get over it" or "be happy" or "stop complaining," or as if you're exaggerating or lying.

Or it could be a protective thing on your part where you feel like if you told people the reality of your depression, you'd make them feel stressed or sad or worried for you.

Or it could be a self-preservation thing -- maybe worried about being treated differently or the idea of people needing to "supervise you" or trying to talk you into unwanted treatment.


One thing is for sure... You're definitely not "wrong" for feeling like this, and your suffering is as valid as anyone else's.

friends know im depressed for sure. have scars all over my arms. just confuses me why i still try keep an act

 

[Kai_Txn]

I do this too. It's normal to hide it behind a smile. Theres some times where I am genuinely happy and suddenly I get that pang of depression and I cant get away from it. Its always a reminder that depression never goes away and its harder than faking a laugh yk. Id rather be aware of my depression all the time then forget about it for a few minutes and have it stab me in the gut again out of nowhere. But don't feel wrong for it. You're not lying to people about your depression. It is there. You're not faking depression. But sometimes it can feel that way because you smile. Let it happen. Everything in this place ebbs and flows and changes and most importantly is temporary yk.

 

[hopscotch]

me too. that's just how i am, though. like my natural extroverted disposition. i can't help it. it's pretty funny -- i dont think most people would suspect i'm depressed, let alone suicidal.

 

[Sutter]

Masking, new term/idea for me.

I figure dont want to draw attention. Makes sense as mask or not there will be social awkwardness. Not really any friends for me and the random public never asks questions. So that just leaves work, for 90% if they bother me I just talk about real issues, that shuts them down fast. My work crew is the ostrich herd, heads in sand so to speak. I do have a small percentage that have decided I am an interesting fellow and they are not scared off with a real discussion. Those guys I just dead pan and say its an off day. There is only one fellow that seems to pay closer attention to me but that is not for a caring interest but more of a I will save you with my religion.

That leaves my immediate family, my wife knows. Been together long enough she reads my whiskers from across a room, there is no hiding there. Although I am to be turfed after 25 years she knows there is no stopping me, so no need to mask. She knows I love her and that is enough.

Now, we get to the nitty gritty, my daughters are not to know. If masking is what it is I put on five costumes. They are young adults but not ready for this. Perhaps they are but my name is Dad, so they arent.

At SaSu I just trot around buck naked and brutal, should probably not do so but it is more than pleasant to have a few words to say and for once have a free listner.

No matter if someone is masking or not, would be my hope they didnt feel guilt. Suicide is an all encompassing deeply personal and dripping with gravity issue to be mulling over. If you want to mask to deal with that, it is your business. If people are upset about that, well then I am sure they wont mind giving a blow by blow detail of their weekly bowel movements to the masses heading to Walmart, at the top of their lungs.

Mhmm masking is fine, talk when you are ready or not at all.

 

[painfree]

I think it's normal, it is definitely a mask. It's stigma, protection and avoiding supervision. People get awkward as soon as I mention the word 'depressed' never mind suicide. I am very good at lying which is terribly sad. And lonely. I've already had one wellness check, so I don't trust anyone to know the truth. Hence the mask.