In need of advice

[ALN98]

I'm writing this text because I thought this would be the best place to do it, and seriously, I'm feeling very lonely.

Yesterday, I attempted suicide using a bottle of sodium nitrite that I had kept in my closet as an "escape plan". In case I realized that I would no longer be able to deal with my problems, and with the abusive relationships I have with some people around me. I was eventually discovered and, as I began to vomit, I was taken to the emergency room and admitted there. I couldn't breathe, I almost fell into a coma.

I had the displeasure of meeting a doctor who was profoundly insensitive to me. Who, in addition to calling me crazy for trying to kill me, also threatened to arrest me if I didn't reveal where I bought the nitrite. I wasn't treated very well by the nursing team either, but here comes my private life story, which, seriously, is a nightmare.

In a nutshell, two years ago I was vilified by my family and this brought unwanted attention to me. I began to suffer harassment in the streets that turned into violence, with several declarations of hate of a homophobic and prejudiced nature. They've tried to kill me when they run over and today, bizarre as it may seem, I'm made fun of for it. Strangers laugh at me and call me a "loser".

After all this, I'm wrecked. I have depression and suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I have triggers when someone gets too close to me, when I hear a very loud noise, horns, high lights, car headlights, intimidating looks. The people around me take advantage of this, that is... I live in a state of alert all the time. I suffer from a problem that no one else in the world suffers from, I feel that no one understands me and that makes me bitter.

I wanted to leave this for the better, but after that very traumatic attempt... which is preceded by other very painful ones... I'm afraid of trying to commit suicide again. If anyone feels empathy for my story, I would like some light... What do I do with my life?

 

[Zegers]

I am sorry that life has turned its back on you. The first thing you should think about is whether you want to go on or leave.

 

[etherealgoddess]

I remember after I attempted suicide, literally no one gave a shit about me. It was just looks of, "Damn, she's crazy. Why did she do that?" I am so sorry you had to go through that. I had a similar experience where I felt misunderstood.

I would suggest going to some websites and finding some online friends. Possibly go into Discord servers based on your interests. For the moment, online friends may be your best bet. Try to look through Discord, IMVU, SecondLife, even video games if you can afford it.

Can you leave the country? Possibly go to a more liberal country and start a new life? It sounds difficult, but you can do it. Your family sounds like absolute assholes, insensitive pieces of trash. I don't think you want them in your life at all.

 

[Lucilius]

Assess all your options. Is there no way at all for you to flee to a location where nobody knows you? Are you economically dependent on your family? It's hard to get a full grasp of your situation and what your options are just from your post.

 

[ALN98]

I am sorry that life has turned its back on you. The first thing you should think about is whether you want to go on or leave.

I don't know how to answer your question. Like, honestly I wanted to go back to living a normal life. But, after everything I've lived through, I can't take the weight and darkness out of my worldview anymore.

So I don't know if I can live with my traumas. I hope I was understandable, .

I remember after I attempted suicide, literally no one gave a shit about me. It was just looks of, "Damn, she's crazy. Why did she do that?" I am so sorry you had to go through that. I had a similar experience where I felt misunderstood.

I would suggest going to some websites and finding some online friends. Possibly go into Discord servers based on your interests. For the moment, online friends may be your best bet. Try to look through Discord, IMVU, SecondLife, even video games if you can afford it.

Can you leave the country? Possibly go to a more liberal country and start a new life? It sounds difficult, but you can do it. Your family sounds like absolute assholes, insensitive pieces of trash. I don't think you want them in your life at all.

I'm sorry that you also went through similar experiences. Like, seriously. Society fails a lot to understand and deal with a suicidal person. It is a very difficult state, of pain and mourning, which keeps us trapped in a feeling that seems to be the abyss itself. But not. Anyone who has never experienced this has the nerve to simply describe it as madness, because they don't understand it. Simply because of that.

I'll take your advice. It can do me good. Yes, it is a valid option. I live in a country where violence is being super naturalized, as if it were "the solution to everything". It suffocates me sometimes. About my family, I won't lie they are insensitive. But at least they were the ones who "saved" me from dying this time. Believe me, I suffer much more for people who don't share my blood ties.

Assess all your options. Is there no way at all for you to flee to a location where nobody knows you? Are you economically dependent on your family? It's hard to get a full grasp of your situation and what your options are just from your post.

So, about my economic question. Yes, I depend on my family. I'm too depressed to even get out of bed, and trust me, people are pretty mean to me around here. They almost run me over every day on the street, cursing me and telling me to "work". I know I should be independent in that sense, but I can't. I'm shit, I know.

I'm very maligned too, I don't know how far people don't know me. I have a reputation for being "the unfortunate person attacked for any reason". So I don't know how far this fame goes.

 

[Lucilius]

Is there some way you could do some light part time job? Maybe get something through some family connections. Maybe move to a different city.

Is there anything that provides you the slightest distraction from your situation? Books? Videogames? Do you have friends online?

 

[ALN98]

Is there some way you could do some light part time job? Maybe get something through some family connections. Maybe move to a different city.

Is there anything that provides you the slightest distraction from your situation? Books? Videogames? Do you have friends online?

So it would be something I should still study. To see if there are those options available, and at least try.

Well, lately I've been investing more in reading to pass the time, in addition to music. It's been fun at least!

 

[Lucilius]

So it would be something I should still study. To see if there are those options available, and at least try.

Well, lately I've been investing more in reading to pass the time, in addition to music. It's been fun at least!

What stuff have you been reading?

 

[ALN98]

What stuff have you been reading?

I like to read about subjects in the area I have training in, Psychology. As ironic as it may seem, I always read a lot about suicide, the various mental disorders and forms of violence.