Venting In limbo staring at the beautiful, solitary moon.

[BeautifulMosaics]

Staring at the moon from my room. Yesterday the wind was pushing the mist clouds past it in the most cinematic way. The void, the nothingness, the peace and profound beauty - it's like a visual metaphor for the afterlife. It's like the moon is calling me. I feel a belonging when I look at it in the dark sky. It makes me think of a special user Moonicide - I now understand her name.

I am SO split and undecided. I haven't taken my meds today and I've been listening to music, sex drive has appeared (usually deadened) and I feel like a living human being despite then underlying sadness and depression loneliness.

But I know the even greater inevitable negative consequences of not taking my meds. Music is my passion and purpose but I can't feel alive on my meds - however I can't feel alive with them either. Am I supposed to take meds, live a half alive life and just spend my whole life running from my sadness and apathy? Spending my whole life patching up holes in the ceiling so it doesn't flood? Who wants to live like that?

I don't even have enough faith that the things I want are worth it. Nevermind the fact that I don't feel capable of living the life I should be. It is overwhelming. I know it's not true but I feel like I have the most difficult, most complex decision in the history of the world to make.

 

[Peel_the_Banana]

I know exactly what you mean. One of the meds I used to take to help me focus used to destroy all my creativity. However without it, I couldn't manage through the mundane parts of my day. I also couldn't stay organized in some of my hobbies surrounding music that made life a little fun for me.

I understand the reasons celebrities such as Kanye dont take meds because it interferes with their livelihood. People don't understand its not just about making money. The ability to create in our own way is one of the things that's designed to make us feel alive on the inside.

For me once these things disappeared, and I was no longer able to gain pleasure from them, I no onger saw the point if living. These things even replaced shitty people and now I have nothing to keep me tied to this earth.

My last love although I'm currently engaged in it half heartedly is not sufficient. I'm hoping that at some point soon I can get a surge of impulse to finally close the door. Limbo sucks!

 

[FuneralCry]

I also like looking at the moon. It can be quite comforting. Night time is my favourite time of day. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I hope you find peace.

 

[chocolatebar]

I love the moon. There's something in it that really catches me. I love taking pictures of the moon.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

I know exactly what you mean. One of the meds I used to take to help me focus used to destroy all my creativity. However without it, I couldn't manage through the mundane parts of my day. I also couldn't stay organized in some of my hobbies surrounding music that made life a little fun for me.

I understand the reasons celebrities such as Kanye dont take meds because it interferes with their livelihood. People don't understand its not just about making money. The ability to create in our own way is one of the things that's designed to make us feel alive on the inside.

For me once these things disappeared, and I was no longer able to gain pleasure from them, I no onger saw the point if living. These things even replaced shitty people and now I have nothing to keep me tied to this earth.

My last love although I'm currently engaged in it half heartedly is not sufficient. I'm hoping that at some point soon I can get a surge of impulse to finally close the door. Limbo sucks!

A kindred artistic spirit who holds nothing above their lifeforce. You expressed me aswell as yourself

I see people who were able to pursue their dreams without these blocks I have and I hurt. I can't go through life seeing that and knowing I never achieved my destiny. I've been off meds for a day and felt like a human being once again and my old self as I said (albeit with more depressive moods and anxiety). Once I came out of the zombie fog I think how on earth am I going to get back to where I was when it comes to those skills and that inspiration period where lightning is captured in a bottle? I have so much stacked against me and the help available is not really for the specific issues I deal with.

I also like looking at the moon. It can be quite comforting. Night time is my favourite time of day. Whatever happens, I wish you the best. I hope you find peace.

Thank you FC, your words are so kind. Full moon in UK right now, it's beautiful isn't it.

I love the moon. There's something in it that really catches me. I love taking pictures of the moon.

Wow you must have a really good camera, that's a great hobby!

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

There are quite a few different meds available for most people with some type of anxiety/depression/whatever. After some trial and error I was able to find one that allowed me to feel okay and not so zombie-like. I even managed to make some of my best art while on it. So if you're not entirely happy on your current meds, I would see the situation as a kind of long-term project whereby you figure out what works for you and what doesn't, with the help of your doc/psych. At least it sounds like you can feel a bit more relaxed/unfazed even with the current meds. That's a positive if you've ever experienced the kind of panic and low mood I have at times.

 

[BeautifulMosaics]

I want to share this beautiful, haunting song by the amazing Phyllis Hyman who also dealt with lifelong sadness and ended her life after many attempts at the age of 45.

Now as I feel I'm possibly reaching the end of my life, when I hear songs denoting otherworldly love and bond; I think of children I know and my family who I want to meet me on the moon.