Impulsivity or planned?

[Lostnotfound]

Reading the forum everyone seems against ctb on impulse. I just wanted to explore this a little further.

My situation is not going to change (unless some miracle happens) and I am 100% definite that I do not want to go on the way things are. I cannot change things to the way I want them to be so my choice is to ctb. I have the means (I believe - see other thread) and keep telling myself it will be this date or that date etc. I want to do it at a time when I would naturally go to sleep to give my body that additional edge so I am looking at a nighttime regimen. Anti-emetics about 1pm, then again about 5pm and again about 9pm. Some form of sleep enhancer around 10pm and then to start taking the pills as my preferred choice doesnt start working for about an hour and then works at peak about 6 hours after ingestion. So I have a method, the means and a plan.

So on the date that I have decided, I start the regime but by evening I am distracted by tv or reading or something to keep calm and dont feel ready to do it. In the morning I wake up in a state of panic that I didn't do it, regret not doing it and then spend all day in a state of anguish that I am still alive. I cannot emphasise how strongly I am upset that I didn't do it, and at that stage and throughout most of the day everyday I am in a state where I could do it impulsively but by the time that I have got the antiemetic in my system I am not in a place to do it. What on earth is going on? If I do it impulsive I am worried I will just be sick as I've done it before without the antiemetic and I was sick and I survived.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I've tried impulsive and also tried planned. Impulsive attempts I regretted immediately after and had this 'oh shit what have I done' type of feeling. Planning an attempt gave me time to think it over, make sure it was 100% the right thing to do, get everything in order, actually enjoy my last days/weeks/months. So for me, planning over impulse any day.

 

[TheSuicidalEccentric]

I keep putting my head in the noose and refuse to pass out, even though partial suspension hanging is so easy. I need my situation to get a bit worse, then I will go all the way through. It's literally just the last-minute thought of death that is stopping me from hanging.

 

[Melkus2020]

I keep putting my head in the noose and refuse to pass out, even though partial suspension hanging is so easy. I need my situation to get a bit worse, then I will go all the way through. It's literally just the last-minute thought of death that is stopping me from hanging.

Hanging takes some serious will. I will take a poison so I can't back out.

 

[TheSuicidalEccentric]

Hanging takes some serious will. I will take a poison so I can't back out.

That's a good idea. Even though hanging partially is minimally painful, it takes will indeed.

 

[Lostnotfound]

I've tried impulsive and also tried planned. Impulsive attempts I regretted immediately after and had this 'oh shit what have I done' type of feeling. Planning an attempt gave me time to think it over, make sure it was 100% the right thing to do, get everything in order, actually enjoy my last days/weeks/months. So for me, planning over impulse any day.

Twice I attempted on impulse, once with morphine and once with sleeping pills. The sleeping pills put me unconscious in under 5 mins and I was out for 3 days before I woke up covered in vomit. Didn't have chance to think about it and only regretted that it didn't work. The Morphine I wasn't alone and was with someone I loved very much so we were talking and I was explaining what i was feeling etc so again no regrets until I was sick, and then again regret it didn't work. Now I have no one around me and it all seems prolonged. I just want to go BAM and it be done. I dont want to know about it or think about it, i just want it done.

That's a good idea. Even though hanging partially is minimally painful, it takes will indeed.

I'm not sure I have the will in me. I am scared of pain and it sounds painful even if its not. I get those flashes where I have the strength to take the medications and then its gone and i regret not taking the opportunity. I dont think I would be able to do anything that didnt allow me to go to sleep and not know about it

 

[TheSuicidalEccentric]

Twice I attempted on impulse, once with morphine and once with sleeping pills. The sleeping pills put me unconscious in under 5 mins and I was out for 3 days before I woke up covered in vomit. Didn't have chance to think about it and only regretted that it didn't work. The Morphine I wasn't alone and was with someone I loved very much so we were talking and I was explaining what i was feeling etc so again no regrets until I was sick, and then again regret it didn't work. Now I have no one around me and it all seems prolonged. I just want to go BAM and it be done. I dont want to know about it or think about it, i just want it done.

I'm not sure I have the will in me. I am scared of pain and it sounds painful even if its not. I get those flashes where I have the strength to take the medications and then its gone and i regret not taking the opportunity. I dont think I would be able to do anything that didnt allow me to go to sleep and not know about it

Yes, there is some pain with partial suspension as the rope cuts into your neck a bit and squeezes. I have a pretty good pain tolerance though, which could be why it works for me. Or you may just need to practice getting used to the pain

 

[Montmorency_1]

I've always wanted control over how I leave. I want to make sure I say everything I want to say and people know everything. Doing it impulsively, is, by its very nature, uncontrollable, so whether you want to or not, it's not really in your control. Unless, however, you come up with distraction techniques. Not the best coping mechanism, but i find sometimes cutting takes the edge off and I just sleep the thoughts away.

 

[Yomyom]

Twice I attempted on impulse, once with morphine and once with sleeping pills. The sleeping pills put me unconscious in under 5 mins and I was out for 3 days before I woke up covered in vomit. Didn't have chance to think about it and only regretted that it didn't work. The Morphine I wasn't alone and was with someone I loved very much so we were talking and I was explaining what i was feeling etc so again no regrets until I was sick, and then again regret it didn't work. Now I have no one around me and it all seems prolonged. I just want to go BAM and it be done. I dont want to know about it or think about it, i just want it done.

I'm not sure I have the will in me. I am scared of pain and it sounds painful even if its not. I get those flashes where I have the strength to take the medications and then its gone and i regret not taking the opportunity. I dont think I would be able to do anything that didnt allow me to go to sleep and not know about it

What kind of morphine did you took? Pills? And how much?
I read in final exit that 7 pills of 30 mg, is a leathel overdose, although and all the other books that I read they said morphine is Not reliable

 

[Lostnotfound]

What kind of morphine did you took? Pills? And how much?
I read in final exit that 7 pills of 30 mg, is a leathel overdose, although and all the other books that I read they said morphine is Not reliable

I drank an unopened bottle of liquid morphine 200ml. The reports I read said that 200ml should be enough to ctb few times over and it was working - I could feel the loss of feeling in parts of my body as it started to take over within about 15 mins but then I was violently sick. I did drink half a bottle of southern comfort with it but wasn't drunk - not even giddy or anything. Clearly my stomach didnt like it

 

[Yomyom]

I drank an unopened bottle of liquid morphine 200ml. The reports I read said that 200ml should be enough to ctb few times over and it was working - I could feel the loss of feeling in parts of my body as it started to take over within about 15 mins but then I was violently sick. I did drink half a bottle of southern comfort with it but wasn't drunk - not even giddy or anything. Clearly my stomach didnt like it

That's interesting, I always prefer pills and not liquid, because when I taste something bitter my throat coach up, and I can't swallow

 

[Lostnotfound]

That's interesting, I always prefer pills and not liquid, because when I taste something bitter my throat coach up, and I can't swallow

It was what was to hand. The sleeping pills were pills. I think the morphine i was able to down in one go so didnt notice it.

 

[YukiFox]

I'm pro choice so I respect both of them. I think some people are against the impulsivity for that theory that are "less" justifiable CTB than others, when I personally believe that every person has the right to choose. Example: an unemployment crisis or break up versus a advanced cancer, each one decided to CTB. Who's going to be more "justified"? I don't judge anyone of that scenarios. Comfort isn't a privilege. If someone do it by impulsivity has the right to be respected as much as the one who planned their date fate carefully. One of the objectives of this forum - almost I think that way - is to debunk all this prejudices against CTB.