Improved and don't think about suicide much anymore,but now what?

[miseryh8scompany]

I found a bunch of medications, mostly not conventional, and am doing much better. The problem is I still can't do a meaningful job and am haunted by what I've suffered. I collect disability and am quickly becoming an alcoholic and drug addict. It's like there's no coming back from what I've been through. Can anyone relate to this? I live overseas and tend to get along with pssd veterans in similar situations.

I still have hope, if I get away from the drugs. It's just hard to see much of a future.

 

[novem]

The answer is hiding behind why you cannot have a job and can you survive without it?

 

[freedompass]

I do feel you kind of answered your own question there by saying you need to kick the drugs (maybe alcohol too). I'm on disability myself for 'severe enduring' mental health problems, since I was 30. 30 years later, well. I'm still here and if anything my mental health has improved over time. I don't know what suffering or trauma you have been through, but I'd say definitely start with kicking the drugs. Good luck!

 

[wljourney]

First of all: congratulations.
If your meds are helping to improve your Quality of Life right now then that's a really big win.

Living with a chronic illness is challenging. It's a bit of a dance - back and forth - using the times when you are doing a bit better to put guardrails into place for when things may deteriorate again.

For many that's connection. Friendships. Finding something they enjoy doing. Meaningful occupation (not necessarily work).

I hope the current meds can also help you to avoid slipping into addiction. Or at least give you the clarity needed to actively steer away from that cliff.

Living with disability takes a lot more "active decision making" in my experience. The road we travel on is much more narrow than that of healthy people. So it's even more important for us to have guardrails in place.

Best wishes.

 

[waitingforrest]

I'm glad to see you on the path to recovery, nice work! The parth to recovery is filled with relapses every once and a while, so don't blame yourself for returning to old habits. Bad habits I have oddly bring me a sense of familiarity and comfort despite them being bad in the long run.

Trauma is always there in the background and there are some things that are too much to forget. If possible try to minimize the amount of reminders that you have control over until you feel ready to process the trauma.

I do hope the best for you, it takes a long time to recovery, but you have done a great job getting to this point. I'm sure it wasn't easy.

 

[Julgran]

I found a bunch of medications, mostly not conventional, and am doing much better. The problem is I still can't do a meaningful job and am haunted by what I've suffered. I collect disability and am quickly becoming an alcoholic and drug addict. It's like there's no coming back from what I've been through. Can anyone relate to this? I live overseas and tend to get along with pssd veterans in similar situations.

I still have hope, if I get away from the drugs. It's just hard to see much of a future.

You could try seeing every day as a major accomplishment.

As for myself, I have been using alcohol for the past two and a half years to dull my emotions, but it has only resulted in sleepless nights and a hyper-active mind during daytime, so I have slowly weaned myself off from it - it's such as diabolical crutch, which works well with bad sleep in the short term, but it only does damage in the long run.

Now, I don't know much about you, but you could see your situation as you did the best that you could - in other words, you didn't do any better since you didn't need to do better, or you didn't know how to do better. What I'm trying to say that we, humans, often do the very best that we can while being faced with the circumstances that we are being faced with, so there's not much use in blaming ourselves for how we react to those circumstances. Sure, there probably is way past those circumstances, but that's the next step, and not something that you may need to spend any energy to face right now.

 

[miseryh8scompany]

Thank you everyone for your insights. Amazing how much more helpful people on here can be than therapists. I do feel like connection is what I need to find. Group therapy, a girlfriend, keeping in contact with old friends, etc

 

[Sister of the Moon]

I can relate. I'm currently using copious amounts of weed and Xanax to cope with a recent devastating loss. I've gone through Xanax withdrawal cold turkey before and it sent me cuckoo. I was already trying to recover from lifelong trauma and this is a new layer of trauma to work with. I am also haunted by all sorts of traumatic events.
Just wanted you to know you're not alone. I hope you are able to find the right path for you. May your quality of life improve. Bless.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I understand you perfectly. I'm also taking medication and it helped me a lot. But now I feel like I'm stagnating. I know that pills only help to a certain extent and I should supplement with therapy but I haven't been able to start yet. I feel mostly numb or sad. I'm definitely not happy. I feel alone, misunderstood and unhappy.

 

[cooldude420]

I skimmed through the previous posts. Hobbies, build skills, contribute somewhere/somehow are also options. It sounds like you are stabilizing but don't know how to get to self actualization.