Imposter syndrome

[bessops1976]

I am struggling to adapt to work. I have been there 7 weeks and each day is as hard as the first. I don't feel I fit in, don't know what I should be doing and my depression is escalating. I got in from work at 6pm yesterday. By 6.30pm I had taken to my bed where I felt safe. It's now 8.26 the next day and due to start work at 9am (today I'm working from home). A few weekends ago I tried taking my life using the co method which nearly worked and I'm frustrated I didn't succeed. Today the weather is dire so burning charcoal again will not be possible. I want to die, but all my previous attempts have failed and I feel frustrated there's some kind of external force preventing my ability to successfully CTB. I have had some pretty significant attempts but none have yielded that exit. I tried overdose with mixed drugs (a lot, including lithium) and woke a day or so later covered in my own mess, I tried partial but I can't find that 'sweet spot' but the closest I have been was definitely co in a tent and I want to try this again, but the british weather is making that impossible today. I can't burn coals indoors, I risk burning the house down, unless I tried burning a few at a time gradually so there is not too many flames / too much smoke. I just can't manage life. Im trying to avoid anything impulsive and after the physical mess I got into after the last drug overdose in Jan this year, I'd never try overdose again, despite having a pretty impressive amount of drugs. Co is my option but im going to have to try to survive another day at a job I can't do with people I really have little patience for. Im on the spectrum and struggle to fit in. I don't feel I can. I want to end my existence but need to plan what to do next. No one here can answer that but me, the days a long and hard, I'd rather not live to see another

 

[puella]

I'm sorry everything has been so hard for you. Good luck with your next day. I'm so proud of you for doing your best, no matter how many days you can do it for.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be so tiring feeling trapped in that situation, I find it so incredibly dreadful how it's so difficult to cease existing on our own terms, it's cruel how we cannot just easily die in peace. But anyway I wish you the best.