I've been away from this website since the start of this year I think, and I've really really tired to find how life can be okay but I don't think I can. Today in particular was a completely demoralizing affair. I know that my activity on this website makes me seem like I really want to die, but... no? I put a question mark at that because I really don't know.
What I want is to be happy, to have everything go the way I want, every conversation to go exactly as according to the scripts I write in my mind, every life event to pan out exactly as I fantasize. Childish I know, in my mind I fantasize about deep and emotional conversations with someone I care about, constantly professing our love to a sickening degree, but then in reality we talk about farm animals and awkwardly exchange memes and say "ok".
I feel like a child throwing a tantrum when they aren't allowed skittles for breakfast, but the child's fantasy is much more realistic than word for word conversations and sub-atomically accurate control over the universe. Am I just being immature wanting to ctb because some impossible series of events I fantasized about didn't come true?
I really appreciated this post. I don't know where you are in the world, but it's 2AM where I live, and I'm crying tears of bitter disappointment and rage. So, when I saw your recent post about anger, I felt less alone. I also am not dead-set on CTB (pun not intended); I would love for things to go my way for a change. To find a dude who finds my clinging and oversharing to be adorable and fascinating...
That was funny what you wrote about farm animals. Unlike you, I'm not sure I have conversations mapped out in my head, but I definitely wish that I could proceed as usual -- no filter or guile, just being my unadulterated self -- and dudes would just go ape over my effortless charm.
I don't mean to engage in a gender conversation, but right now I am so angry at men. Mostly, I am angry about my thoroughly flawed approach to relating to men, and how it keeps getting me nowhere, but I never freaking change a thing. You know that Shakespeare quote about "the tale of sound and fury signifying nothing"? I forget what he was even referring to. Life, maybe? But, I feel like my whole life is just running around, trying so hard to right the ship of my life, attract a dude, get a good job, make friends...and it just blows up in my face. I'd be better off having done nothing at all. Sorry for going on this tangent. I'm so tired of running around doing sh*t for dudes, and in the end, they'd have liked me better if I'd played hard to get, and scoffed at their requests. I'm so tired of dudes being so damned inflexible. We women it seems --- or, at least I -- am so willing to extend second chances, accept people's quirks.. And, dudes, well, the dudes I meet, seem to have this cut-and-dry approach that, to me, just seems so unfair. I wish my effing libido weren't so effing out-of-control. I'm also tired of this never-ending dance to find the right medications; it's like an expensive hobby. "What are your hobbies?" "Oh, well, scheduling and coordinating appointments with my shrink and my therapist, spending hours scanning and calling my insurance company to have them reimburse me for said appointments, and being at the mercy of the pharmacist when one of the drugs is on back order or some other fun variable." That kind of money and time -- that's what normal people devote to hobbies. But, you can't talk about that with dudes--at least not dudes one meets at first.
I'm so sorry for this tangential rant. I, too, am angry and disappointed. I hate all the men who've rejected me and I hate myself for continuing to put myself in the line of fire when I should so CLEARLY be focusing on my effing self. This weekend I'm going kayaking with an elderly neighbor, but I so wish I was doing something with this d-bag who ghosted me. Have you heard the Smiths' song, "Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want"? Well, that's how I feel so often.
I can't even listen to the Rolling Stones or John Lennon anymore. Why not? Because I'm just so jealous of them. Apart from Lennon getting assassinated, it seemed like both of those dudes could pretty much do ANYTHING they wanted. I wonder what that would be like: to know no rejection, to never feel alone, to have people dying to spend time with you. Sleep with and marry whomever I want...however often I want. Buy what I want. DO what I want. You think either of those guys had to curb aspects of their personalities? Or, worry about sequestering themselves like GD monks to "work on improving themSELVES"? HELLS no. That's my dream life: doing whatever the flip I want and people going gaga for it. Never feeling lonely. People wanting to communicate with me and caress me for hours. I'm just the quintessential old and bitter woman, but I am very jealous of those two guys. People treated Lennon like a GOD. I would like that kind of power, and I will likely never have it, so therefore I can't enjoy their music anymore because of my jealousy and never-ending bitterness.
Sorry for writing so much. This inability to edit my communications is isolating me even further. I need to be on one of those drugs that just knocks people the flip out. The old-school mood stabilizers that make people fat and sedentary and zap the libido. I'd love a drug that could help freeze out my inconvenient libido. Thank you for posting, Koal, and again, I'm sorry for the tome.
