Imagining my mom caring

[Water-Lily]

So as I've stated numerous times here, my mom was my worst abuser. Following her death 4 years ago, I've unpacked a lot. Seeing previous "kind" gestures as warped abuse, or the things she did crossing intimate boundaries and violating my sense of safety in messed up ways. Things she likely justified doing as I was only an extension of herself, projecting her worst traits and then becoming jealous. To say I suffered through hell is an understatement when I look back at the reality of my life up until this point

Nonetheless, despite years of therapy and treatments and accepting the help of medication, I find that when I am suffering I imagine my mom wanting the best for me

I like to think that she wanted to care and love, but was sadly incapable. She was far too damaged. And when I find myself going through a rough moment in my personal life, I tell myself "I don't think mom wanted me to suffer" and I feel a little peace

Maybe it's some stupid coping mechanism but I feel guilty for feeling this way about her.

 

[timf]

Being able to see an abusive parent not as some monster but as a sad person who had no chance to escape the demons that drove them is a huge positive step.

You don't want to feed anger and bitterness as this keeps you tied to that which is best left behind.

 

[Water-Lily]

Being able to see an abusive parent not as some monster but as a sad person who had no chance to escape the demons that drove them is a huge positive step.

You don't want to feed anger and bitterness as this keeps you tied to that which is best left behind.

I'm not sure if it's that simple. A part of me wants to learn to be angry and be in tuned wirh the emotions I was expected to shut down to allow the narcissism to grow

On the other hand, I also don't want to be so angry and bitter than it's disrupting my life

Either way, in some sense (though she did make a choice at the end of the day) I do feel my mom felt "trapped". When I learn what she experienced and how the family talks about her trauma, it was as if she was abused and neglected and still expected to function normally. Even shamed for letting traumatic things "bother" her and that she was "stupid"

They're one to talk, being that their abuse and neglect was what morphed my mom into who she sadly became

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

First, I'm sorry you and your mum had to deal with such abusive environments. I agree with @timf that seeing an abusive parent as they really were—sad, broken, confused people—instead of as evil monsters is a good thing to be able to do. It does not absolve them or justify their behaviour in any way, but it is something you can do to take back control over your emotions related to them.

A part of me wants to learn to be angry and be in tuned wirh the emotions I was expected to shut down to allow the narcissism to grow

May I ask, what benefit do you think "learning to be angry" would bring you?

 

[Water-Lily]

First, I'm sorry you and your mum had to deal with such abusive environments. I agree with @timf that seeing an abusive parent as they really were—sad, broken, confused people—instead of as evil monsters is a good thing to be able to do. It does not absolve them or justify their behaviour in any way, but it is something you can do to take back control over your emotions related to them.


May I ask, what benefit do you think "learning to be angry" would bring you?

Allow me to separate from her and not carry around baggage I guess
I'm not exactly sure myself lol

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Allow me to separate from her and not carry around baggage I guess
I'm not exactly sure myself lol

Understandable. Anger is a natural emotional response when someone does us harm, especially someone who is supposed to be caring and protective instead. However, I'd argue that anger is not the way to go about freeing yourself from the burden your mum placed on you.

Anger poisons the mind. In dealing with a negative experience, the first step towards freedom is to develop a sense of equanimity—learning to be stable and undisturbed in the face of adversity. In your particular case, being able to think about what you went through without feeling angry. This is why being able to see your mum in a new light is a fantastic first step to take.

Freeing yourself from these experiences is a long process of learning and forgiveness. It's not easy, and "forgiveness" probably sounds wrong if the experiences are still quite fresh on your mind. It's fine. Just do yourself a favour and avoid the trap of cultivating anger. Everything else will follow.

 

[Water-Lily]

Understandable. Anger is a natural emotional response when someone does us harm, especially someone who is supposed to be caring and protective instead. However, I'd argue that anger is not the way to go about freeing yourself from the burden your mum placed on you.

Anger poisons the mind. In dealing with a negative experience, the first step towards freedom is to develop a sense of equanimity—learning to be stable and undisturbed in the face of adversity. In your particular case, being able to think about what you went through without feeling angry. This is why being able to see your mum in a new light is a fantastic first step to take.

Freeing yourself from these experiences is a long process of learning and forgiveness. It's not easy, and "forgiveness" probably sounds wrong if the experiences are still quite fresh on your mind. It's fine. Just do yourself a favour and avoid the trap of cultivating anger. Everything else will follow.

I always feel guilty for not always seeing my mom as the monster she is (I do when able)

I often compare myself to what I used to read on r/raisedbynarcassists. A subreddit dedicated to narcissistic parents and people rightfully feeling angry, being anti-forgiveness, etc

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I always feel guilty for not always seeing my mom as the monster she is (I do when able)

I often compare myself to what I used to read on r/raisedbynarcassists. A subreddit dedicated to narcissistic parents and people rightfully feeling angry, being anti-forgiveness, etc

You said you want to separate from your mum and get rid of the baggage she saddled you with, which I think is a good thing to want. Being able to move on and be yourself, without your mum's actions weighing you down and defining you. I'd argue that spending one's time on a subreddit dedicated to raging against abusive parents is the opposite of freeing yourself of the burden. It'd be one thing if it was a support group trying to be constructive—talking to people with similar experiences can be helpful—but, from what I've seen at least, r/raisedbynarcissists is not that.

Given the choice, would you prefer to free yourself, forgive, and move on; or would you rather learn to be angry and spend your life on places like r/raisedbynarcissists, constantly reliving and retelling the negative things you went through?

 

[Water-Lily]

You said you want to separate from your mum and get rid of the baggage she saddled you with, which I think is a good thing to want. Being able to move on and be yourself, without your mum's actions weighing you down and defining you. I'd argue that spending one's time on a subreddit dedicated to raging against abusive parents is the opposite of freeing yourself of the burden. It'd be one thing if it was a support group trying to be constructive—talking to people with similar experiences can be helpful—but, from what I've seen at least, r/raisedbynarcissists is not that.

Given the choice, would you prefer to free yourself, forgive, and move on; or would you rather learn to be angry and spend your life on places like r/raisedbynarcissists, constantly reliving and retelling the negative things you went through?

I don't want to relive my trauma all this time. I want to acknowledge what happened, accept that it has forever shaped me, and try to do better from it

 

[Pluto]

It is a fact that we are all born into this world, then shaped by our environment. Even the worst parents are victims of circumstance; dissociating from their own childhood trauma by severing the ability to empathise, somehow ending up parents themselves and having no one stop them from going on to traumatise others.

Hence, it is quite reasonable to sympathise with Nparents and know that it could have been totally different if the world were less screwed up. Those same parents could have been honest and loving, therefore the problem was circumstances rather than them.

However, facts are one thing, while emotions are another. Having an intellectual framework for explaining parental abuse does nothing to address the state of psychological suffering left behind.

Dealing with the difficult emotions like anger is a delicate balancing act. On one hand, indulging endlessly in a dark emotion will make it into an identity based around the story of what happened. On the other, trying to evade or repress the emotions because "she was just sick, therefore I shouldn't feel anger" will definitely not work.

The middle path involves welcoming, accepting and processing all emotions - both the comfortable and the uncomfortable - as they arise. See what the emotion actually is - perhaps some jarring bodily sensations fed by the mind as it eagerly brings up and then protests stories of historical events. The vicious circle of stories, judgements and feelings can only start to integrate when we go through the process of facing all feelings directly; neither repressing through evasion, nor making it into a victimhood identity. Each storm will pass and over the long term, greater peace will be felt.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

I don't want to relive my trauma all this time. I want to acknowledge what happened, accept that it has forever shaped me, and try to do better from it

Then don't feel guilty for not seeing a monster every time you think about your mum. Don't feel bad for not being angry. Letting go of anger is something that can take a long time to learn, but you haven't fallen into the anger trap yet. You can acknowledge what happened, come to terms with it, and move on to something better.

On the other, trying to evade or repress the emotions because "she was just sick, therefore I shouldn't feel anger" will definitely not work.

Just to clarify this point, I'm not arguing that one "shouldn't feel anger." Like I said earlier, it's an understandable and natural emotional response when someone harms us or betrays our trust. What I argue against is cultivating anger as a way to deal with the situation.

The middle path involves welcoming, accepting and processing all emotions - both the comfortable and the uncomfortable - as they arise. See what the emotion actually is - perhaps some jarring bodily sensations fed by the mind as it eagerly brings up and then protests stories of historical events. The vicious circle of stories, judgements and feelings can only start to integrate when we go through the process of facing all feelings directly; neither repressing through evasion, nor making it into a victimhood identity. Each storm will pass and over the long term, greater peace will be felt.

This, essentially.

 

[Water-Lily]

It is a fact that we are all born into this world, then shaped by our environment. Even the worst parents are victims of circumstance; dissociating from their own childhood trauma by severing the ability to empathise, somehow ending up parents themselves and having no one stop them from going on to traumatise others.

Hence, it is quite reasonable to sympathise with Nparents and know that it could have been totally different if the world were less screwed up. Those same parents could have been honest and loving, therefore the problem was circumstances rather than them.

However, facts are one thing, while emotions are another. Having an intellectual framework for explaining parental abuse does nothing to address the state of psychological suffering left behind.

Dealing with the difficult emotions like anger is a delicate balancing act. On one hand, indulging endlessly in a dark emotion will make it into an identity based around the story of what happened. On the other, trying to evade or repress the emotions because "she was just sick, therefore I shouldn't feel anger" will definitely not work.

The middle path involves welcoming, accepting and processing all emotions - both the comfortable and the uncomfortable - as they arise. See what the emotion actually is - perhaps some jarring bodily sensations fed by the mind as it eagerly brings up and then protests stories of historical events. The vicious circle of stories, judgements and feelings can only start to integrate when we go through the process of facing all feelings directly; neither repressing through evasion, nor making it into a victimhood identity. Each storm will pass and over the long term, greater peace will be felt.

I def want to hold space for everything. The anger, sadness, even the laughter

Allow myself cry when needed and feel angry, but not let it destroy my entire life or day