Venting Imagine how differently people would treat you if they knew your days were numbered

[Dried_Ink]

Been living at my parents house due to an eviction. Depression has made it difficult to get out of bed and wake up before noon. This morning, mom rushed in like a bat out of hell and did her "when I was your age" spiel. She was legit furious that her day started at 6am and I laid in bed till noon. What she doesn't know is that sleep is my only peace from the daily mental anguish I endure. She doesn't know that over the past 2 months, I've tried and failed to overdose on fentanyl a total of 5 times. Or that I practiced hanging with a belt a dozen times, as far as having the chair below me but couldn't bring myself to kick it because of SI…If she knew I'd be gone by the end of the week, let's say of some incurable terminal illness, I guarantee she would treat me differently. Maybe let me stay in bed the whole day. Bring meals to me. Treat me with kindness and gentleness.

What's crazy is, I'm so at peace with my upcoming ctb (sn ordered, comfort meds gathered, plan in place) that I didn't play along like I typically would. What I mean is, I didn't let her attack get under my skin and make me feel more depressed/self-loathing. Instead, her outburst only strengthened my resolve to go through with it. It's hard to take anything seriously anymore when I probably won't see the end of August.

 

[Jrmull1993]

I understand your frustration, and at the same time I understand where your mother is coming from.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

By your own words, she doesn't know how you feel because you haven't told her. I'm sure she suspects that you have some mild depression going on, and from her own life experience, she thinks (has experienced) that getting up out of the bed and doing something helps (sometimes) to get someone out of a "funk" and back to living. I wouldn't be too hard on her. it seems her intent to help is genuine. Sometimes people attack, or are perceived to attack, out of exasperation. Maybe put yourself into her shoes and imagine how you would be if you perceived your child was suffering?

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine that it must be a relief to feel at peace with your decision and I agree that people would certainly treat you differently if you were dying from terminal illness. Suicide is just so stigmatised as well and many non suicidal people will simply never be able to understand what so many of us go through. It is understandable how you find it hard to take things seriously anymore as after all, nothing can matter to us once we are dead. In comparison to the eternity of death, life just seems so meaningless. Best wishes.

 

[JLP21]

yes sadly this is how the world works. It's not right

 

[Dried_Ink]

@locked*n*loaded You're absolutely right. Putting myself in her shoes helps me understand that, admittedly, it wasn't an 'attack' but a reaction from a concerned parent. Unfortunately, at this point, the call of the void outweighs any pain I imagine my absence will cause. The grief my loved ones will experience is not a deterrent for me anymore. Suicide is just an inevitability for someone like me.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Unfortunately, at this point, the call of the void outweighs any pain I imagine my absence will cause. The grief my loved ones will experience is not a deterrent for me anymore. Suicide is just an inevitability for someone like me.

I completely understand everything you're saying and greatly empathize with you. For me, though, I couldn't ctb while my mother was still alive. She needed help and I was it. I know my circumstances are different than yours. It wasn't so much I was worried about hurting her if I ctb, it was more about concern for how she would get along when there wasn't anyone else to help her. I'd still rather have her here right now, but her passing has freed me up to do what I need to do, and since she was the last family member I had left, I don't have to concern myself with how my ctb may affect anyone. That's a weight I'm glad I don't have to bear.