Venting Imagination therapy.

[Anxieyote]

The following is an imaginary scenario I made up in order to cope with my feelings. There is no appropriate place to post something like this. It is therapeutic, so please forgive me. I spaced out for awhile, and this is the scenario that played out in my my head.

"What did you spend the day doing? Tell them."

Luka grabs me by the throat, and throws me against the kitchen cabinet with brutal force. The wood splinters into a million pieces as I fall to the floor, gasping for breath.

"What did you do today?" she asks again, digging her claws into my skin.

"Nothing! I didn't do anything!!"

"Exactly!!" she says, slicing a deep gash into my arm.

"AUUUUGGHH!!!" I cry out. "Why the fuck did you you do th—"

All of sudden, I'm flying through the air again. My body crashes against the television, and I feel glass shards piercing into my back.

"Please stop. Please…" I say, struggling to stand up.

"How do you think it feels??" Luka says, marching towards me. "How do you think it feels to watch you do the SAME THINGS in the SAME BED every fucking day?!!"

"I didn't do anything wrong. I swear to God, I didn't do anything wrong."

"You have no one to answer to but me." Luka says, as her voice quakes.

"Who can help you?" she says, lifting the couch with inhuman strength. "Who can help you??"

She effortlessly tosses the couch through the sliding glass door with a sickening crash.

"YOU!!!" She says, pointing her twisted claw towards me. "Yoooouuu." she pleads, with a quivering voice.

And in that moment, I see the terror in her eyes. "You aren't angry." I whisper. "…you're afraid."

Time seems to freeze, as we look into each other's eyes. Neither of us move for what seems like an eternity. Luka slowly lowers her arm, as both of us gasp for breath.

"We'll both die." she says. "We'll die without knowing what true satisfaction feels like."

"Stop, Luka. Please stop. Don't say anything else."

"I want to have a loving partner. And a family. And dogs. And a house."

"…"

"You're going to kill us. Please don't."

"I don't know what else to do. I'm sorry."

"Please don't kill us. Please."

"That's SI; survival instinct. That's what it's called."

"It's hope."

Silence fills the room again. I slowly rise to my feet, still staring at Luka in disbelief. "I'm 28."

"And?"

"And there's nothing there. There's no legacy. There's no future. Nothing."

"You can't just kill us though."

"You said it yourself—what did I spend the day doing?"

"…nothing."

"Nothing."

A quiet falls once again.

"I spent the day doing nothing. I spend most days doing nothing."

Luka doesn't answer. We continue to stare at each other, and only the sound of our breathe punctuates the silence.

 

[Trilucid]

Wait, is Luka like a dark passenger or inner demon? This is an interesting method of coping.
My imagination is sadly mostly clouded. Except when I sleep, then all sorts of mixed up dreams appear.

 

[problematicblue]

I've never met anyone else who did this. I've got a similar thing except her name is Annie and she's a bit less volatile

 

[Anxieyote]

Wait, is Luka like a dark passenger or inner demon? This is an interesting method of coping.
My imagination is sadly mostly clouded. Except when I sleep, then all sorts of mixed up dreams appear.

A demon tonight, but usually she is benevolent. Today got really lonely and sad, so I'm not too surprised to see a delusion like this one. I thought that spending the whole day in bed might have been therapeutic, but it kind of broke me if I'm being honest. The loneliness just got to be too much

 

[rationaltake]

Luka says you have hope.

 

[Trilucid]

A demon tonight, but usually she is benevolent. Today got really lonely and sad, so I'm not too surprised to see a delusion like this one. I thought that spending the whole day in bed might have been therapeutic, but it kind of broke me if I'm being honest. The loneliness just got to be too much

I understand. It's interesting how sometimes a person's demon can be their biggest friend. You and Luka, you need to fight. Whatever it takes in my opinion.
Being alone, it is trying to keep you down. Both of you.
This, it reminds me of a dream once I had. In it a person in a jacket kept following, wanting to talk to me while I neglected them.
In the end, it was revealed that the jacket is the same one as mine, so when I looked up, I saw it was me all along.
Perhaps her temporary violence towards you that you described is what may move you two forward in the end.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

Let me share a secret with you. What you're doing is a way the human mind works through problems. A lot of people would call it schizophrenic behavior, but there are many different ways these sort of thoughts manifest.

Forgive me if I step over a line. I wanted to tell you that you are not crazy.

 

[Trilucid]

Let me share a secret with you. What you're doing is a way the human mind works through problems. A lot of people would call it schizophrenic behavior, but there are many different ways these sort of thoughts manifest.

Forgive me if I step over a line. I wanted to tell you that you are not crazy.

Basically this! The mind trying to repair itself. The brain being aware of what is going on. Very well said.

 

[hopelessdreams]

wow. i loved the passage you wrote. the whole scene already played out in my head.

i have one myself. not so dark as yours, but i thought i'd share it:

"the sunset is amazing today" he says

we're sitting in the sand, sunburnt and tired. our first vacation together. i still can't believe i'm here, with him.

"i know, it's perfect" i say back. staring at the sunset, i lose myself once again. my thoughts wander to all the issues that are waiting for me back home. they even followed me here; in my head, in the text messages, in my guilt that is telling me i don't deserve to be here.

"are you even listening to what i'm saying?" he says. i snap out of my thoughts and immediately feel guilty. i've been doing this everyday. the thoughts never leave my head.

"yeah, sorry, i got lost in my thoughts" i say as i give him a fake smile. he knows it's fake. he doesn't even try to hide the disappointment.

"it hurts me seeing you like this. even away from everyone you can't seem to relax. you're broken, beyond repair."

"i'll be okay" i tell him. i've said it so many times now that we both know it's a lie. it's a promise that gets broken the moment it comes out of my mouth.

my smile slowly fades as i realize what i'm doing: i'm taking him down with me like this. everything i touch gets destroyed, including him. i can't keep doing this to him. i've got to let go.

 

[Anxieyote]

Let me share a secret with you. What you're doing is a way the human mind works through problems. A lot of people would call it schizophrenic behavior, but there are many different ways these sort of thoughts manifest.

Forgive me if I step over a line. I wanted to tell you that you are not crazy.

I really hope not. The longer I'm by myself, the easier it gets to disassociate and experience things like that vision.

I definitely feel a sense of doom about things to come. My life isn't panning out how I thought it would. I'm the pilot of an airplane that's going up in flames, and that creature Luka is shaking my shoulders and saying, "What are you doing???"

I just want her and everyone to know that I'm really sorry. I can hear it in my voice, and people can see it in my eyes. I don't think I have much longer. In a lot of ways, I've already been dead.

What I said about doing nothing is true. Losing my bf at age 25 was a catalyst for a drinking problem that has persisted for the last 3 years. Never recovered from losing that person, and never moved on. Kept forming toxic attatchments with random people I bumped into on the internet, and had to experience loss all over again with those friendships (that I really wanted to turn into relationships). I got too attached each time.

After I lost my most recent friend, I started needing to do stuff like this. Create imaginary friends, and talk to myself, and make up imaginary places. Very dysfunctional coping mechanism that's taking its toll on my mental health very fast. My memory's been getting worse, I can't focus, I can't do basic daily tasks.

Someone in the main chat yesterday said, "There is no rock bottom when it comes to how bad a person's life can get." and after all that's happened, I can see that it's true.

I'm terrified. I'm terrified of losing my life, and I'm terrified of seeing how much I never really lived it or appreciated it while I did have it.

I think I need to say sorry to myself. There were a lot of things I could have done or should have done—but I just didn't. I kept waiting to be saved by someone, but that help never came. Luka always tells me "I'm so sorry." during my episodes, and I think it is me trying to forgive myself for the years I neglected to address my personal issues.