Venting I'm useless

[Nyanpasuu]

On Tuesday I have to do my Uni schedule, but I can't go back to school, I'm no ready, I'm really afraid and anxiou, this anxiety is eating me from the inside, but I've to something because I've being a NEET for 8 months now, and I can't continue like this, I was supposed to ctb two weeks ago, but I don't want to hurt my mom, I already made her suffer once and I can't do it again.
I don't know what to do, I really don't feel ready for Uni yet, but I need to graduate if I plan on leaving my really transphobic country. Wish I had the strength to try to ctb again, but I'm a useless coward, who is afraid of everything.
Sorry for my stupid vent, I just needed to get it out.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

Don't ever be sorry for the need to vent. Even if this forum is one of the few safest places on the net to do it, then you do it. Hell, if anything, you might get a response that gives you a grand idea, and if not, then at least you know it hasn't fallen of deaf ears.

I wish you the best and hope that you at least feel better, in this moment.

 

[realjunes]

Hi Nyanpasuu,
I just read your post and I found nothing stupid about it, so let's set that comment aside. I am truly sorry for the way you feel about your present life and circumstances. Your fear and anxiety and circumstances are overwhelming your mind, making it impossible to think for yourself what is in your best interests.
Your lofty, farther away, goal is to leave your country, but you must finish school to do that, right? You have said as much. Why don't you right now begin to prepare your school schedule, a small goal, but one you have done before and one you can complete, within a deadline, correct? That could be your first goal, and it will be an accomplishment for you, and maybe set you up for the next goal, which could be to return to school
You describe yourself as a NEET (I had to look that up), but since it means a person who is unemployed and not in school/training, you have the opportunity to change things and that kind of self-loathing description will no longer apply to you if you take the next step, and get back in school. Remember your larger goal is to be able to move from your country, and you need the school to do that. So why not get started again? Then set a goal of making it through a semester at a time, and begin to plan and visualize in your mind what your post-uni life could be like. Research and plot where you will go, how you will get there, what do you need to accomplish those goals. Taking and performing these steps will force you a bit out of your head, and focus on something outside your mind and will direct you to life-changing circumstances, that you can't even imagine right now.. Taking action and forcing yourself to get going is a great way to relieve anxiety.
I know all of this is extremely difficult, but you can do it, you were already in school before. And another favorable result is in the time it takes you to finish and plan the next chapter of your life, you will be able to assuage your mom's concerns and she will improve as she sees you take steps, one at a time, to move out of despair and into an organized life of accomplishments, and I know you want her to feel that way.
Good night, and please keep us up to date on your life and your concerns.

 

[Nyanpasuu]

Don't ever be sorry for the need to vent. Even if this forum is one of the few safest places on the net to do it, then you do it. Hell, if anything, you might get a response that gives you a grand idea, and if not, then at least you know it hasn't fallen of deaf ears.

I wish you the best and hope that you at least feel better, in this moment.

Thanks

Hi Nyanpasuu,
I just read your post and I found nothing stupid about it, so let's set that comment aside. I am truly sorry for the way you feel about your present life and circumstances. Your fear and anxiety and circumstances are overwhelming your mind, making it impossible to think for yourself what is in your best interests.
Your lofty, farther away, goal is to leave your country, but you must finish school to do that, right? You have said as much. Why don't you right now begin to prepare your school schedule, a small goal, but one you have done before and one you can complete, within a deadline, correct? That could be your first goal, and it will be an accomplishment for you, and maybe set you up for the next goal, which could be to return to school
You describe yourself as a NEET (I had to look that up), but since it means a person who is unemployed and not in school/training, you have the opportunity to change things and that kind of self-loathing description will no longer apply to you if you take the next step, and get back in school. Remember your larger goal is to be able to move from your country, and you need the school to do that. So why not get started again? Then set a goal of making it through a semester at a time, and begin to plan and visualize in your mind what your post-uni life could be like. Research and plot where you will go, how you will get there, what do you need to accomplish those goals. Taking and performing these steps will force you a bit out of your head, and focus on something outside your mind and will direct you to life-changing circumstances, that you can't even imagine right now.. Taking action and forcing yourself to get going is a great way to relieve anxiety.
I know all of this is extremely difficult, but you can do it, you were already in school before. And another favorable result is in the time it takes you to finish and plan the next chapter of your life, you will be able to assuage your mom's concerns and she will improve as she sees you take steps, one at a time, to move out of despair and into an organized life of accomplishments, and I know you want her to feel that way.
Good night, and please keep us up to date on your life and your concerns.

Thanks, you're right, I need to force myself to keep trying and start with small steps. If I want to break the cycle, I need to start doing things differently and although it seems impossible to me right now, I have already done it once so I should be able to continue doing it and not be afraid to fail, although it sounds easier said than done.

 

[realjunes]

Thank you N, for your quick reply. I am so happy you are taking another look at your situation and motivating yourself. I can detect a change already from your original post to your reply to us. I am pleased to see a bit of optimism in your writing, and yes you can do it again. Good news, keep us posted as you can or as you wish.

 

[Guizin239]

I'm a NEET too, have been for almost two years now.

 

[Moonicide]

Hey, love. I'm also a NEET as well... You are not a coward and you are not useless. You are valid, your emotions are valid, and it is okay to be scared. There is nothing wrong with that. How much left do you have until you graduate? I hope one day you can leave that country as you deserve to be free. Keep holding on, love. You can come here and talk to us when you feel yourself slipping. Ctb will always be there if you have exhausted every option there is for you to live a life that suits you.

Take care of yourself~
Sending you all the love and hugs.

 

[Nyanpasuu]

Hey, love. I'm also a NEET as well... You are not a coward and you are not useless. You are valid, your emotions are valid, and it is okay to be scared. There is nothing wrong with that. How much left do you have until you graduate? I hope one day you can leave that country as you deserve to be free. Keep holding on, love. You can come here and talk to us when you feel yourself slipping. Ctb will always be there if you have exhausted every option there is for you to live a life that suits you.

Take care of yourself~
Sending you all the love and hugs.

Thanks for your kind words, they mean a lot to me.
I'm halfway through, this year was my generation graduation so that's one thing that made me feel worse.
I was able to find the courage and select my classes, I now need to overcome the hard part, that is going to them and be able to pass them, but to be honest I don't think I will be able to do it, I have tried my best so many times, and all those times I have failed. I'm tired, I just want to disappear without hurting anyone.

Again thanks, I don't know what would I do without this forum and the support you all give

 

[realjunes]

Thanks for your kind words, they mean a lot to me.
I'm halfway through, this year was my generation graduation so that's one thing that made me feel worse.
I was able to find the courage and select my classes, I now need to overcome the hard part, that is going to them and be able to pass them, but to be honest I don't think I will be able to do it, I have tried my best so many times, and all those times I have failed. I'm tired, I just want to disappear without hurting anyone.

Again thanks, I don't know what would I do without this forum and the support you all give

Let's look at what you have accomplished already in just a week since your first post, and try to overcome the fear of what you think you cannot do. Being halfway through school, means you have half of that behind you, being halfway through school means you are halfway to your goal of graduating and being able to start your new independent life. Just a week ago you were reluctant to even select your class, yet within this short period of time you summoned the courage, as you wrote, to get accomplish that goal, and that issue is behind you. Your anxiety makes you feel you won't be able to attend and pass your courses, but your anxiety is wrong. It is already an established fact you can pass courses, you have done it before. Do everything you can to work on each of these tasks, get back in school. The time that it would take to complete your study will pass anyway, wouldn't it be wonderful if when that time passes, you will be prepared to care for yourself in a new life and in a new place, if that is still what you want. I somewhat know how you feel, I was in school for years, and so many times wanted to quit, to fade away. But I knew I had to finish that school in order to get a job in a particular profession. With some encouragement, I kept going, finished and got a good job, and a much better life than I expected, with benefits. If this education is required, in order to get a jump start on the life you desire, then keep that life in your mind and focus on your goal of a better life for yourself, where these particular anxieties are pushed aside by your actions, action will improve your life and your outlook.
I wish you the best and was encouraged to read you were making great strides, however difficult for you, to get going on your future. It was good to hear from you and I hope you will post your progress, and when you feel anxious post anyway as many of us know those feelings and this is a good place to put it out there.

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

USELESS is a word you should USE LESS

Repeat this every morning when you wake up. Paste it on your refrigerator, on your bedroom wall. :-)

 

[realjunes]

USELESS is a word you should USE LESS

Repeat this every morning when you wake up. Paste it on your refrigerator, on your bedroom wall. :-)

Oh, man, that is Brilliant and terrific instructive and constructive advice. "Use less"....YES.

 

[LittleJem]

I would try and get anything you can that might treat the anxiety in case it will help you feel better.... There are two things I have recently heard of that I've not tried yet. I don't know if they work or not, but I am going to try them soon. If they work, it will be life-changing.....:

Bromantane -

There is also Etifoxine.

Other than these, there is also Lyrica or Gabapentin which help some people. They do have some potential side effects, but they have just got my friend out of psychiatric hospital, so could be worth looking into for anxiety. Also Propanolol.

I don't know if these work, but I do think it is worth looking for something that helps. You might want to look into Kratom and Kava as well. I have tried Kratom, it did nothing for me, but some people say it's life-saving/life-changing. Kava I have also tried, it was somewhat helpful.

 

[Nyanpasuu]

Let's look at what you have accomplished already in just a week since your first post, and try to overcome the fear of what you think you cannot do. Being halfway through school, means you have half of that behind you, being halfway through school means you are halfway to your goal of graduating and being able to start your new independent life. Just a week ago you were reluctant to even select your class, yet within this short period of time you summoned the courage, as you wrote, to get accomplish that goal, and that issue is behind you. Your anxiety makes you feel you won't be able to attend and pass your courses, but your anxiety is wrong. It is already an established fact you can pass courses, you have done it before. Do everything you can to work on each of these tasks, get back in school. The time that it would take to complete your study will pass anyway, wouldn't it be wonderful if when that time passes, you will be prepared to care for yourself in a new life and in a new place, if that is still what you want. I somewhat know how you feel, I was in school for years, and so many times wanted to quit, to fade away. But I knew I had to finish that school in order to get a job in a particular profession. With some encouragement, I kept going, finished and got a good job, and a much better life than I expected, with benefits. If this education is required, in order to get a jump start on the life you desire, then keep that life in your mind and focus on your goal of a better life for yourself, where these particular anxieties are pushed aside by your actions, action will improve your life and your outlook.
I wish you the best and was encouraged to read you were making great strides, however difficult for you, to get going on your future. It was good to hear from you and I hope you will post your progress, and when you feel anxious post anyway as many of us know those feelings and this is a good place to put it out there.

Thanks, it's easy to forget how much I've done until now and you're right the time will pass anyway, it would be better if by then I'm already finished, so I will try my best again, if it wasn't for your words last time, I would not have found the courage to even select my classes

Hope you have a nice day.

USELESS is a word you should USE LESS

Repeat this every morning when you wake up. Paste it on your refrigerator, on your bedroom wall. :-)

This is brilliant, I will make this my mantra, thanks for the advice

I would try and get anything you can that might treat the anxiety in case it will help you feel better.... There are two things I have recently heard of that I've not tried yet. I don't know if they work or not, but I am going to try them soon. If they work, it will be life-changing.....:

Bromantane -

There is also Etifoxine.

Other than these, there is also Lyrica or Gabapentin which help some people. They do have some potential side effects, but they have just got my friend out of psychiatric hospital, so could be worth looking into for anxiety. Also Propanolol.

I don't know if these work, but I do think it is worth looking for something that helps. You might want to look into Kratom and Kava as well. I have tried Kratom, it did nothing for me, but some people say it's life-saving/life-changing. Kava I have also tried, it was somewhat helpful.

I will look into this, thanks for the advice, I've been in alprazolam, but it never helped and only worsen my memory, it's good to know some alternatives

 

[realjunes]

Good N. Yes it is hard when you are the one under pressure and full of anxiety to see outside that. But again, this is an issue behind you now, and everyone here is pleased that you will pursue your life improvement plan, and look forward to hearing from you as you can, to let us know your accomplishments along the way. Congratulations on your future.