Venting I’m unsure of what to do with my life or how to fix my many mistakes & regrets.

[gardenofaphrodite]

New here, needa vent, I don't have a social circle or any real friends.

I tried to ctb in Jan. 2022 & failed miserably, painfully, & just overall it was a deeply traumatizing experience for myself & my family. Medical trauma + ptsd, hospitals freak me the fuck out now. I had just left an abusive relationship(Dec. 2021) (sexually assaulted repeatedly by him, after he knew I had a history of being assaulted in school, destroying my will to trust anyone for awhile), immediately after my nana fell & broke her femur+hip, then I tried to ctb, went to a mental hospital, got out, out-patient treatment, my special needs cat had to be put down (FIP complications + full body cancer, more illnesses, lots of vet bills I couldn't afford, put me into further debt), was taking a coworker home & a dumbass kid t-boned me on a hwy & nearly killed us, totaled the car. I then found out my entire life was a lie soon after being released from a mental hospital (from failed attempt). My mother had always told me I was a product of rape & that my bio was an awful person. My aunts on that bio's side contacted me, I got in contact with my biological father, found out all the lies she told, how she's a cheater & hid me from my family for 19 years, denied my right to my culture(made fun of that culture my entire life)& family. She doesn't know that I know, if I were to tell my family (her + step-dad) it would destroy their entire marriage & they're tied together financially so much it would destroy my siblings' lives as well. My bio doesn't really talk to me. My mom is a narcissistic mental/emotional abuser. I can't handle the stress much more. I quit my job in hopes of better opportunity, got fucked over. Been unemployed for over a month now. Financially in hell, $4k+ in debt, rent is late we're near eviction everyday, can't even really afford food or necessities, no car, no income for myself, & I feel like a piece of shit. I live with my partner who's experienced a close friend dying from suicide. I want to die, but idk how to go about it again & idk if I can deal with the guilt. I have two cats, I love my partner dearly- but I'm a mess & I've learned I can't be fixed. I've tried CBT, group therapy, multiple different meds, including sleep meds for my severe insomnia. I've even debated on trying the method I had chose the first time, but it's not a very good way to go & I feel like I would back out again due to the physical pain/other side effects & risk of living through it again, & risking permanent damage + mental hospital again & being on suicide watch again. I don't want to traumatize my family again, & I sure as hell do not want to traumatize my partner as I fear it would break him & may make a rash decision & try to ctb out of emotion, it is my worst fear.

Sorry this is so long, does anyone have advice of what my choices are? If it's even viable for me to try any ctb method now? I live with my partner, one bedroom & he works mornings, not very long shifts. I can't afford or have access to things like SN, & the thought of doing that scares me as well (taste/nausea). I have a severe fear of seeing my own blood as well, even pricking my finger causes me to have tunnel vision & pass out (especially IVs + any medical needles). Idk what options I have, if any.

 

[FuneralCry]

That just sounds really horrible what you've been through and the unfortunate reality is that suicide is just not straightforward, if someone has limited time alone then I believe that it's certainly very difficult to exit this cruel world. But anyway the thought of failing ctb is what terrifies me and I hate how we exist in a world where we cannot just pass away in peace without risks and complications. This world is undeniably such a hellish place and it's incredibly awful how people suffer so much all through no fault of their own.

 

[my-end]

Your situation must be truly difficult.
Let me know if I'm wrong but are you saying you can't traumatize your family or partner but are still seeking to ctb? Mind if I ask what method you tried in Jan 22?
Pardon me for saying please but it seems that although you've been dealing with depression, a failed attempt, family issues, and debt, you still managed to meet a partner and move in together. That's something...a spark of hope.
It's hard to tell if you're saying you want to go or stay. Best thing about ctb, we don't have to live with the consequences of it anymore and the imagined guilt of how it will affect others, only affects you now. Do you want to leave?

 

[gardenofaphrodite]

I was able to find a partner & move, but financially living on our own has been nearly impossible. We're both 20 (he turns 21 in May). I feel like I'm holding him back from enjoying his 20s. I just don't want to re-traumatize my family (they were the ones I sought help for when I did try to ctb). & I just feel like I will never get better. I've been struggling with depression, insomnia, anxiety, etc for a very long time but was only diagnosed after I had attempted. I know I've suffered with mental illness since I was very young & have struggled with suicidal thoughts/ideation for just as long (probably age 9 or 10, lot of shit was going on). I also feel like an incredible financial burden on my family & partner, I can't seem to hold a job for very long, I feel like I may have issues like my mom struggling to regulate my emotions, especially my anger, & one of my worst fears is becoming anything like her. I refuse to have children because of her, & recently my partner told me he had lied about whether he wants kiddoes or not- so now I feel like everyday we stray further & further apart from being compatible. We never argue really, we communicate really well- but I do feel like he's losing interest. I would get more in-depth on that but its complicated.

I attempted by taking down 100+ tablets (well over that I just genuinely don't remember the amount) of 200mg ibuprofen, the entire bottle, was one of those really big great value(Walmart brand) ones, but had originally taken a very large dose of extra strength Tylenol, then realized I was short of the lethal dose- it's the reason I took such a large amount of Tylenol. I also was really high (weed) to hopefully help with the symptoms/calm me down, I knew I would experience some kind of pain- but the physical pain is what made me seek help. & I can get into the whole process of the ER but it's gross & being intubated hurts (also liquid charcoal is incredibly disgusting) & it caused immense medical trauma & made my fear of hospitals so much worse/I feel like I get PTSD anytime I need an IV or something, thinking about it freaks me out.

That just sounds really horrible what you've been through and the unfortunate reality is that suicide is just not straightforward, if someone has limited time alone then I believe that it's certainly very difficult to exit this cruel world. But anyway the thought of failing ctb is what terrifies me and I hate how we exist in a world where we cannot just pass away in peace without risks and complications. This world is undeniably such a hellish place and it's incredibly awful how people suffer so much all through no fault of their own.

I really wish it was easier. I don't handle pain well, & the sight of my own blood makes me go into a panic (even pricking my finger). I'm learning of other methods just to have some options for sometime in the future. I just don't want to risk my partner finding my body or finding me alive, it would absolutely break him, & I feel like I finally helped him to stay on track with caring for himself & loving himself, he has ADHD & I think meds really would help him & he's been considering it. I'm good at helping others just not myself, I feel like I'm the therapist a lot within my relationship & previous ones, & with friends, & my mom only really calls me to vent or blame me for things out of my control. I've tried so many things, therapy (CBT), group therapy, I've been in-patient, I've been on so many different meds. If I could afford escitalopram I think it would help some, but it made me not feel great a lot (felt sick or nauseous sometimes). It's just like $300+ & I can't afford that. The sleep meds I feel like made things a lot fucking worse, but I do have most of those medications still in my possession. My mom thinks I threw them away or got rid of them, but I'm keeping them as an option/method.

I also have two cats that, I know he would take care of, I just feel awful thinking about leaving them sometimes. I have siblings (ages 20, 17, 16, 11), that I also feel like I may traumatize again. The 11yr old I feel like would spiral, I know she deals with a lot of anxiety & I think depression, but my mom doesn't really believe in that stuff. The 16yr old was the first one outside of my mom & step-dad to see me after immediately after I changed my mind about my attempt, I think about her reaction a lot. I think about my step-dad's reaction even more & talk about it sometimes. When I woke them up (4am) I vividly remember what he said "I can't believe you're doing this when you know I have work in the morning, god damnit [my name] are you seriously doing this right now?" It sticks with me a lot. Makes me think a lot that I really am just the fuck up in my family, mental illness, financial issues, rough past with relationships, just a lot of shit.

I also suffer with I feel are a lot of undiagnosed issues. I think I may have endometriosis or pos as it runs in the family. I struggle with some immense joint pain & suspect I may have arthritis, when I get sick I get really fucking sick. I've had bronchitis, multiple sinus infections (one causing an ER visit), I've had Covid so bad I honestly should have gone to the ER, & I've had the Flu pretty bad that also caused an ER visit all within like a year. I've also had some pretty bad depressive episodes & just struggling in general with my depression & anxiety has been way harder lately. I'm tired of the cycle of bad things happening. I don't even seek happiness, I just want to be content & not struggling in every aspect of my life. I can't even enjoy my hobbies without feeling guilt or just having no motivation to do anything. My plants are dying, & that usually means I'm not doing good & hitting a really low, low. I can't tell my partner how I feel because I just fear he'll tell my siblings, & then get sent back to a mental hospital again.

This is such a long reply I'm so sorry