anhedonicNfoggy
i don’t know
- Aug 7, 2023
- 97
I know that objectively my life is okay and nothing bad has happened recently. I'd say even my self esteem is not that bad bc I'm not filled with guilt over staying in bed. I guess I just don't feel I lack energy. There's no negativity that draining me like many others on this site. I could sleep late and still feel ok with waking up early and I'd rather not stay in bed bc I'll be alone with my thoughts. Or I eat one meal at 4 pm and yet I don't feel dizzy and lethargic.
Idk I guess I'm at the point of my reason for suicidal ideation is not that I'm not able to cope or adjust to daily life. I am fortunate for that but I just feel everything I do whether it's a cup of chocolate milk or hangout with friends, I always have this feeling of it's all temporary. For example, with chocolate milk, I notice my friend likes refilling and drinking it a lot. Whereas me, I somehow feel what's the point when it's just 1 second of feeling a tiny bit good and not even that good and if u get a refill again and again, you'll miss it and have to come to terms with you have to stop that right now and just come to terms with reality - just boring, bleak life. It's not a big deal to others but all I just feel is we're only filled with distractions like even watching videos to make us forget momentarily life sucks. I don't like watching videos not just bc it's boring but I'm also aware of the purpose of why I and everyone do it - to distract ourselves. Or even nowadays, my social life is better. I got some people I guess I talk to or go to places to. It sounds good on the surface but I'm merely the observer. Sure, the activities are entertaining but I'm more like an Extra like another random character was needed to fill the scene. I'm not fun to be around. I can't laugh genuinely or come up with humor. I can't casually use slang or do cool handshakes. I'm not even good at one-to-one conversations. I'm kinda like a robot. I got nothing going on in my life other than college and chores. I try to change but it's hard to force myself if I have no passion. It's just no matter what I try to explore, I don't have anything that I think - oh, that's my thing - or smth I won awards in. I'm completely unremarkable in everything - slightly below average in all. I guess it's good I don't stand out as being terrible but idk I just feel like an NPC. People might not hate me but they'd rather look at Tiktok on their phone than look me in the face and converse. I may have friends ig like people I contact to schedule hangout but I merely just follow the group and participate. I'm not really part of the group ever. Other people they're so into stuff they memorize a whole dance routine or they've played a 1000 games etc. I just have nothing ig. When I leave to go back to my dorm or walk around campus or lay in bed, I more vividly remember I'm just all alone and that I don't connect with anyone and the world is so boring that at times, I am scared to be a wage slave to a mega-corp but then another time, I feel glad work is a thing bc the mandatory-ness of it at least helps distract me from how life sucks and I rationalize at least I am productive so it's ok that it's a distraction.
I also feel even if I have the opportunity to die how I would want to, I feel like I'm under a leash or smth by my parents. They're not terribly controlling but the one decision that means the most to me - wanting to die - I feel like I won't be able to do it. I'm just worried my parents will be like - what did I do wrong as a parent, how could she do this to us, we've financially supported her etc etc. I don't want there to be chaos. I'm also worried bc I read of smth called takutsubo syndrome. It's about how normally healthy people have their heart shape changed bc of grief. My mom already has high blood pressure. I don't want her to get a serious heart condition or a heart attack. I know my mom does a lot for me and tries the best she can. But still I think even with that, I can't just get rid of these feelings I have. The best I can do is zip my mouth and give her a smile. There's really no solution for these feelings. Therapy has done nothing and never will.
Part of me has this weird thought that maybe if I don't die by suicide but bc someone did smth to me, maybe my parents will accept it more like no one was expecting the circumstance and it is not within anyone's control. I just think if there's anyways so many mass shootings in usa, this morbid insensitive thought I have is what if there could be invites like if that person is anyways going to shoot ppl and no one can change their mind given shootings happen so often, then why can't I at least get the chance to be killed. Not in a scary way like jumped on in the night. But in the mall around people.
That's all I gotta say I guess.
Idk I guess I'm at the point of my reason for suicidal ideation is not that I'm not able to cope or adjust to daily life. I am fortunate for that but I just feel everything I do whether it's a cup of chocolate milk or hangout with friends, I always have this feeling of it's all temporary. For example, with chocolate milk, I notice my friend likes refilling and drinking it a lot. Whereas me, I somehow feel what's the point when it's just 1 second of feeling a tiny bit good and not even that good and if u get a refill again and again, you'll miss it and have to come to terms with you have to stop that right now and just come to terms with reality - just boring, bleak life. It's not a big deal to others but all I just feel is we're only filled with distractions like even watching videos to make us forget momentarily life sucks. I don't like watching videos not just bc it's boring but I'm also aware of the purpose of why I and everyone do it - to distract ourselves. Or even nowadays, my social life is better. I got some people I guess I talk to or go to places to. It sounds good on the surface but I'm merely the observer. Sure, the activities are entertaining but I'm more like an Extra like another random character was needed to fill the scene. I'm not fun to be around. I can't laugh genuinely or come up with humor. I can't casually use slang or do cool handshakes. I'm not even good at one-to-one conversations. I'm kinda like a robot. I got nothing going on in my life other than college and chores. I try to change but it's hard to force myself if I have no passion. It's just no matter what I try to explore, I don't have anything that I think - oh, that's my thing - or smth I won awards in. I'm completely unremarkable in everything - slightly below average in all. I guess it's good I don't stand out as being terrible but idk I just feel like an NPC. People might not hate me but they'd rather look at Tiktok on their phone than look me in the face and converse. I may have friends ig like people I contact to schedule hangout but I merely just follow the group and participate. I'm not really part of the group ever. Other people they're so into stuff they memorize a whole dance routine or they've played a 1000 games etc. I just have nothing ig. When I leave to go back to my dorm or walk around campus or lay in bed, I more vividly remember I'm just all alone and that I don't connect with anyone and the world is so boring that at times, I am scared to be a wage slave to a mega-corp but then another time, I feel glad work is a thing bc the mandatory-ness of it at least helps distract me from how life sucks and I rationalize at least I am productive so it's ok that it's a distraction.
I also feel even if I have the opportunity to die how I would want to, I feel like I'm under a leash or smth by my parents. They're not terribly controlling but the one decision that means the most to me - wanting to die - I feel like I won't be able to do it. I'm just worried my parents will be like - what did I do wrong as a parent, how could she do this to us, we've financially supported her etc etc. I don't want there to be chaos. I'm also worried bc I read of smth called takutsubo syndrome. It's about how normally healthy people have their heart shape changed bc of grief. My mom already has high blood pressure. I don't want her to get a serious heart condition or a heart attack. I know my mom does a lot for me and tries the best she can. But still I think even with that, I can't just get rid of these feelings I have. The best I can do is zip my mouth and give her a smile. There's really no solution for these feelings. Therapy has done nothing and never will.
Part of me has this weird thought that maybe if I don't die by suicide but bc someone did smth to me, maybe my parents will accept it more like no one was expecting the circumstance and it is not within anyone's control. I just think if there's anyways so many mass shootings in usa, this morbid insensitive thought I have is what if there could be invites like if that person is anyways going to shoot ppl and no one can change their mind given shootings happen so often, then why can't I at least get the chance to be killed. Not in a scary way like jumped on in the night. But in the mall around people.
That's all I gotta say I guess.
