I'm turning into a monster

[FoxInWaiting]

I've felt this, my whole life, slowly and surely building up.

It all makes sense, I know why I'm here, how I got here, where it will lead if I keep going, I know it all.

I've always known, it just took me this long to accept and realize.

This selfish person that I am, that I've embraced in the last 3 or so years and just let run wild in my mind, snowballing at will, is finally starting to reach its crescendo.

I'm starting to take my true form.

Sickness and depravity that used to bring me shame I'm now starting to enjoy and only want more of.

All the unvented anger, all the times I couldn't fight back, and still can't, all the unresolved fights, all the burns from people I thought cared about me, the absence of anything or anyone to truly love and care for in my life, all the selfishness and prioritizing of self satisfaction, its starting to take shape.

It still in its infancy, but the monster has finally taken form, and will only grow stronger from here.

And I want it to. Its been hollow, but its been so damn fun at the same time. And thats all I have, thats all I'll ever have, fun.

The weak, frail, juvenile, gentle soul I once was is dying.

All he wanted to do was love and be loved, but the village never took him in, and now he must burn it to feel its warmth.

I just wanted to love someone, thats ALL I EVER WANTED

And I never got it. The only joy and satisfaction I've ever experienced in life is from being lazy and selfish. I love being lazy and selfish! More than I will ever love any human being at this point.

Humans have been ruined by thier own culture anyway. A culture i will never fit into, or want to fit into, its a culture of denying reality, where good goes unrewarded and bad goes unpunished. Morality, integrity, bravery, equality, realism, understanding, respect, hospitality, all dead. Deemed obsolete by today's soulless, upside down culture.

I never asked for much, or maybe I did?

Either way, I'm only here for the fun now. I want every mental high I can get my hands on.

I want to feel the greatest pleasures this earth has to offer.

I want to FEEL!!!!!

Even sickness and shame, I'll take anything!

Maybe its best if I kill the monster before they're big enough to leave the womb, I still don't really want this path, but if its all there is I'll take what I can get. Every human needs a purpose, even a bad one, its still a purpose.

There's a select few things keeping the monster at bay, or at least slowing its growth, but maybe I should kill it before its big enough to leave the womb. Or not, we'll see.

 

[Manfrotto99]

What you say speaks to my soul. I get it. Its a choice though. Do we let society turn us into the monster it has created, let it loose and embrace it for what it is or do we kill it? Thats the situation im in too. The only choice. I once thought there was another choice, in God but it seems that God to has turned on me and played the same game as the culture we live in. The one that rewards the powerful at all costs and treads on the weak no matter what. Im tierd of the lies, tierd of struggling against society, against myself, against God. I just want out.

 

[Last dance]

I feel the same way you do. Just look at the profile picture and ask; what would be worse, to live as a monster or to die as a good man

 

[alltoomuch2]

I've felt this, my whole life, slowly and surely building up.

It all makes sense, I know why I'm here, how I got here, where it will lead if I keep going, I know it all.

I've always known, it just took me this long to accept and realize.

This selfish person that I am, that I've embraced in the last 3 or so years and just let run wild in my mind, snowballing at will, is finally starting to reach its crescendo.

I'm starting to take my true form.

Sickness and depravity that used to bring me shame I'm now starting to enjoy and only want more of.

All the unvented anger, all the times I couldn't fight back, and still can't, all the unresolved fights, all the burns from people I thought cared about me, the absence of anything or anyone to truly love and care for in my life, all the selfishness and prioritizing of self satisfaction, its starting to take shape.

It still in its infancy, but the monster has finally taken form, and will only grow stronger from here.

And I want it to. Its been hollow, but its been so damn fun at the same time. And thats all I have, thats all I'll ever have, fun.

The weak, frail, juvenile, gentle soul I once was is dying.

All he wanted to do was love and be loved, but the village never took him in, and now he must burn it to feel its warmth.

I just wanted to love someone, thats ALL I EVER WANTED

And I never got it. The only joy and satisfaction I've ever experienced in life is from being lazy and selfish. I love being lazy and selfish! More than I will ever love any human being at this point.

Humans have been ruined by thier own culture anyway. A culture i will never fit into, or want to fit into, its a culture of denying reality, where good goes unrewarded and bad goes unpunished. Morality, integrity, bravery, equality, realism, understanding, respect, hospitality, all dead. Deemed obsolete by today's soulless, upside down culture.

I never asked for much, or maybe I did?

Either way, I'm only here for the fun now. I want every mental high I can get my hands on.

I want to feel the greatest pleasures this earth has to offer.

I want to FEEL!!!!!

Even sickness and shame, I'll take anything!

Maybe its best if I kill the monster before they're big enough to leave the womb, I still don't really want this path, but if its all there is I'll take what I can get. Every human needs a purpose, even a bad one, its still a purpose.

There's a select few things keeping the monster at bay, or at least slowing its growth, but maybe I should kill it before its big enough to leave the womb. Or not, we'll see.

Every word you've written speaks to me. I know it's the truth but I still don't want it to be. I don't want to be that monster but omg how much easier it would be. But don't you feel fear about the repercussions of letting it grow? The mountains more hurt people will pile on that monster in revenge? And they've been doing it far longer than we have so they'll give it back in spades.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

I'm surprised to see someone feels more or less like me but at the same time if I think about it it's not too surprising to not be just me.

I feel the same as you. However I think to add onto that I have some identity issues causing me to feel more confused about who even am I to begin with.

All my existence yearned for so far was to be able to find someone I could blindly trust that in return would blindly trust me. Someone I could love and even sacrifice my life to protect. There's good people and bad people in this world and nothing would've made me feel better than to protect people weaker than me or even just a single person. I know how much it hurts to be discriminated, to fail, to feel bad, to constantly be in pain because of others and I don't want more people to endure pain IF I can do something to protect them.

However I am not superman, this isn't a cartoon or a fairy tale but the harsh reality where not always does everything go as you wanted it to. And it's understandable for someone to shift from wanting to love to... Becoming something entirely different as a result. It's... Saddening for me...

 

[alltoomuch2]

I'm surprised to see someone feels more or less like me but at the same time if I think about it it's not too surprising to not be just me.

I feel the same as you. However I think to add onto that I have some identity issues causing me to feel more confused about who even am I to begin with.

All my existence yearned for so far was to be able to find someone I could blindly trust that in return would blindly trust me. Someone I could love and even sacrifice my life to protect. There's good people and bad people in this world and nothing would've made me feel better than to protect people weaker than me or even just a single person. I know how much it hurts to be discriminated, to fail, to feel bad, to constantly be in pain because of others and I don't want more people to endure pain IF I can do something to protect them.

However I am not superman, this isn't a cartoon or a fairy tale but the harsh reality where not always does everything go as you wanted it to. And it's understandable for someone to shift from wanting to love to... Becoming something entirely different as a result. It's... Saddening for me...

The identity thing I can relate to. I think of myself as kind but I believe myself to be evil. When something reminds me of how horrible and rubbish I am, I crash severely. It's one of my major triggers. I have BPD. Don't know if you do too but I know it doesn't help with that sort of thing often

 

[SoulWhisperer]

The identity thing I can relate to. I think of myself as kind but I believe myself to be evil. When something reminds me of how horrible and rubbish I am, I crash severely. It's one of my major triggers. I have BPD. Don't know if you do too but I know it doesn't help with that sort of thing often

I have no official diagnosis as of now but I have like all the major symptoms of BPD. All my relationships are extremely fragile and often intense. And my experience with others telling me how I am has been not too crazy on my me. I got some broken relationship and ppl calling me anything, usually a manipulator or snowflake but that doesn't really affect how I feel about myself because nobody knows myself more than me. I know what's evil within me and what's simply a sequence of fuck-ups that simply led ppl to hate me.

Deep inside I'm unsatisfied and broken.

 

[divinemistress36]

It's hard not to become selfish when the world has been cruel to you

 

[colorlesstsukuru]

I've felt this, my whole life, slowly and surely building up.

It all makes sense, I know why I'm here, how I got here, where it will lead if I keep going, I know it all.

I've always known, it just took me this long to accept and realize.

This selfish person that I am, that I've embraced in the last 3 or so years and just let run wild in my mind, snowballing at will, is finally starting to reach its crescendo.

I'm starting to take my true form.

Sickness and depravity that used to bring me shame I'm now starting to enjoy and only want more of.

All the unvented anger, all the times I couldn't fight back, and still can't, all the unresolved fights, all the burns from people I thought cared about me, the absence of anything or anyone to truly love and care for in my life, all the selfishness and prioritizing of self satisfaction, its starting to take shape.

It still in its infancy, but the monster has finally taken form, and will only grow stronger from here.

And I want it to. Its been hollow, but its been so damn fun at the same time. And thats all I have, thats all I'll ever have, fun.

The weak, frail, juvenile, gentle soul I once was is dying.

All he wanted to do was love and be loved, but the village never took him in, and now he must burn it to feel its warmth.

I just wanted to love someone, thats ALL I EVER WANTED

And I never got it. The only joy and satisfaction I've ever experienced in life is from being lazy and selfish. I love being lazy and selfish! More than I will ever love any human being at this point.

Humans have been ruined by thier own culture anyway. A culture i will never fit into, or want to fit into, its a culture of denying reality, where good goes unrewarded and bad goes unpunished. Morality, integrity, bravery, equality, realism, understanding, respect, hospitality, all dead. Deemed obsolete by today's soulless, upside down culture.

I never asked for much, or maybe I did?

Either way, I'm only here for the fun now. I want every mental high I can get my hands on.

I want to feel the greatest pleasures this earth has to offer.

I want to FEEL!!!!!

Even sickness and shame, I'll take anything!

Maybe its best if I kill the monster before they're big enough to leave the womb, I still don't really want this path, but if its all there is I'll take what I can get. Every human needs a purpose, even a bad one, its still a purpose.

There's a select few things keeping the monster at bay, or at least slowing its growth, but maybe I should kill it before its big enough to leave the womb. Or not, we'll see.

Based