Venting I'm Trying

[broken_stoic]

I really am. I'm in therapy with an actually amazing therapist. I'm playing the medication game again. I'm going to try TMS. But I don't know that I'll ever get back the life I lost, the life I was so close to having. and I'm tired of being me. My main thing is cptsd (but there are plenty others that come out of it and other things alongside it). This is one of those days when I just don't want to do it anymore. It's just too hard to know I might not have a future. I'm burning through savings I built up over the last ten years and will have nothing to show for it. I'm just surviving. And I don't want to be me anymore, it's just to heavy. I chose to try, but I want to be done.

 

[timf]

I knew a guy many years ago that had been a pilot for Air Viet Nam. When he and some friends were refugees in Hang Kong, he said, it looks like we aren't going to b pilots anymore. He then went to bartender school and subsequently worked his way through electronics school as a bartender.

Life can take twist and turns that were never anticipated. I don't know if this is something you are dealing with, but sometimes a person can become so fixated on a particular path that they are unable to adapt to changing circumstances.

It is great that you are attempting medications again, but you should remember that sometimes medications make things better and sometimes they make things worse. Since you used the word "again" I suspect your previous experiences have made you wise to keep an eye out for any negative effect.

A narrow focus can amplify a present situation. It can be helpful sometimes to add something to your routine unconventional so broaden your routine and thus take some of the intensity off things.

 

[pinstripe]

I really am. I'm in therapy with an actually amazing therapist. I'm playing the medication game again. I'm going to try TMS. But I don't know that I'll ever get back the life I lost, the life I was so close to having. and I'm tired of being me. My main thing is cptsd (but there are plenty others that come out of it and other things alongside it). This is one of those days when I just don't want to do it anymore. It's just too hard to know I might not have a future. I'm burning through savings I built up over the last ten years and will have nothing to show for it. I'm just surviving. And I don't want to be me anymore, it's just to heavy. I chose to try, but I want to be done.

I too suffer from cPTSD. I am on medication and in therapy. I did TMS. I feel the same way of "not wanting to be me".

I recently posted my story if you want to read it. It's so heavy choosing to try. I keep trying as much as I want to be done. It's so difficult being in this middle ground.

 

[broken_stoic]

I knew a guy many years ago that had been a pilot for Air Viet Nam. When he and some friends were refugees in Hang Kong, he said, it looks like we aren't going to b pilots anymore. He then went to bartender school and subsequently worked his way through electronics school as a bartender.

Life can take twist and turns that were never anticipated. I don't know if this is something you are dealing with, but sometimes a person can become so fixated on a particular path that they are unable to adapt to changing circumstances.

It is great that you are attempting medications again, but you should remember that sometimes medications make things better and sometimes they make things worse. Since you used the word "again" I suspect your previous experiences have made you wise to keep an eye out for any negative effect.

A narrow focus can amplify a present situation. It can be helpful sometimes to add something to your routine unconventional so broaden your routine and thus take some of the intensity off things.

Thank you, yes this is true. I do have alot of trouble letting go of certain things. I've actually let go of quite alot and am willing to make some pretty drastic changes. There are a few core things that really matter to me though, and not just because I want them, but for the purpose of long-term survival. I don't really have family/friends to rely on, so it's all up to me to make it work. I've been close to, and honestly still am depending on how things go, ending up on the street or ctb. When I'm functional I am very capable. When I'm not . . . well it's bad. Alot of the things I want are things that will keep me from ending up in this situation ever again. So we'll see how life goes I suppose.

I too suffer from cPTSD. I am on medication and in therapy. I did TMS. I feel the same way of "not wanting to be me".

I recently posted my story if you want to read it. It's so heavy choosing to try. I keep trying as much as I want to be done. It's so difficult being in this middle ground.

I'm sorry to hear that, but it's also always good to hear from someone else with the same struggle. Did TMS work for you? If so how long did the effects last? I'm just looking for any relief while I try to get my life back together. Pretty much my whole life has been about trying to find something to make it all worth it. Every so often I think I have . . . then things get bad again and I remember just how bad cptsd can be.

 

[pinstripe]

TMS didn't really work for me. I was going through ongoing trauma though so it felt a bit like trying to treat yesterday's stab wound while still being stabbed. It all feels like a Prometheus and the eagle eating my liver out situation.

If your trauma is mostly in the past, and it's about getting brain back to baseline it MIGHT help you. When things are settled down for me again I'd consider going to do it again just to try to have an honest shot at cPTSD recovery.

 

[broken_stoic]

TMS didn't really work for me. I was going through ongoing trauma though so it felt a bit like trying to treat yesterday's stab wound while still being stabbed. It all feels like a Prometheus and the eagle eating my liver out situation.

If your trauma is mostly in the past, and it's about getting brain back to baseline it MIGHT help you. When things are settled down for me again I'd consider going to do it again just to try to have an honest shot at cPTSD recovery.

Thank you for the explanation. Yeah I'm not sure if it will or will not help me. I'm out of some of my trauma, but definitely not all of it. Mainly just hoping for any help with depression/anxiety since meds give me so much trouble. Currently doing emdr, so that will probably be the biggest thing for me (I've done it in the past and it really helped).