Story I'm trying so hard

[k75]

I don't know what I expect here. I guess it's just that I need to vent a little. I'm just so frustrated. And scared. The way things are now, I'm reaching out for help as much as I can and despite that, I'm afraid they're going to just allow me to kill myself.

I know my problems, and I've done enough self-reflection to know what needs to be done about them. I just don't have a clue about HOW to do any of it. And I can't find anyone else who knows, either.

I'm searching for a new therapist. I don't know how to find one that might be able to help. But I do know my current one is halfassing everything.

I've been overlooking a lot, but today might have been the last straw. I constantly have to try and redirect her focus to my actual problems, and away from what she thinks are the causes of my depression like being away from family, isolating, whatever. She assumes I'm lonely, though I'm not. She assumes a lot.

I have to tell her every other session I'm not depressed because I am cooped up in my house. I don't mind quarantine. I won't be fixed by volunteer work or sitting in a park being around people.

The truth is, I do not want to exist to other people. I don't want them to ever see me. I want to be as small and anonymous as possible and not have an impact on anyone's life. And I tell her this explicitly, every time she says I have great things to offer the world and need to interact with people. It actually makes my anxiety spike to think of something like volunteering, but she's convinced I should and that's why I'm depressed.

I tell her I'm depressed because I'm chronically sick and mutilated and lost the only future I wanted. I'm depressed because I can't stop grieving anything ever, and I'm depressed because I'm plagued by flashbacks and memories. And every time I say it, she's surprised. And really... Is volunteering somewhere or petting baby animals going to fix these things?

Today, we had a session over the phone as usual since covid crap hit. And she was on her boat, doing chores. She was distracted. It was not good. We talked about the surgery that destroyed me, and she seemed to honestly not realize this was the number 1 issue I have. The reason I started therapy. She didn't remember me ever telling her I'd rather never have done it and be dead than be here living with the aftermath. She knows I'm suicidal, too, but she never seems to comprehend it.

How do you forget being told something like that? How do you hear that and not think it's important enough to maybe try to center some therapy around?

And it's not like she's the first therapist to fail me. I lost count at some point, but there were at least 11 before her. I've had good ones who admitted I needed more than they could offer. But I've also had a lot of awful ones, like the one that actually told me to stop being a Negative Nancy.

I need someone who knows how to deal with real problems. I need a specialist of some sort. I wish I knew how to find one. They've got to exist.

 

[Disappointered]

I hear that my friend. I've never had a decent therapist, ever. I just stopped even considering going to one several years ago after going through a bunch, ranging from GPs with 'counseling' specialties to psychologists and psychiatrists. They were all terrible. For example, to varying degrees they got paid to have me repeat things that they couldn't be bothered to keep track of...which often took up most if not all of every 50 minute hour. This incident on her boat would really push me over the edge. I'd probably be looking for another one or just giving up on them altogether. There has to be a way to find specialists but for some reason that option is also somewhat occulted where I live. Hopefully you'll find out and find one who actually helps you.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

All I can say is that i think she's clearly a shit therapist, who doesn't listen. She appears to be shoe-horning you into her own preconception of you, regardless of the facts. If that's what is happening, people like her do more harm than good. You need someone else, but I guess you've had that experience and know how hard it is to find someone that will listen and understand. Being a qualified therapist doesn't mean you are any good at it. Listening is a rare quality, even in those who are meant to do it for a living.
I don't know if there is a trick to finding a good one, a way of going of local personal recommendations? Maybe someone more experienced in this will have some good ideas.

 

[k75]

Honestly, I'm so fed up at this point, I'd rather just stop going to therapy completely. But I can't, and it really sucks. I need to actively be in treatment for my disability and also my insurance requires me to have a therapist in order to see the psychiatrist for meds.

@Underscore I completely agree. She does seem to have this idea about me that is just so wrong.

The boat is just the latest ridiculous thing from her. One session, she started off immediately telling me all about the food she had in the slow cooker for dinner. She overshares personal details all the time. To the point where I sometimes wonder who the therapist is here. I often just let her ramble, because it's easier than having to come up with things to talk about.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read my post. I just needed to talk about it all. It sucks to be trying to save myself but not even be heard. I'm doing all the things to survive, but I've definitely got one foot out the door. The worst part is I see what's going on. Either I get help or I die. And help just seems so out of reach. My brain is like, ok, I'll just be over here making plans so whenever you're ready to give up...

 

[LittleJem]

Therapists in my experience can think they know better than you about yourself. Your one sounds kind of thick and insensitive. My recent one was pure arrogance. He made assumptions rather than ask questions and also ignored how suicidal I am. Which risked my life ( though I would rather be dead in any case). I call the Samaritans now to help me cope. They are better listeners than therapists in my experience and better trained to speak with suicidal people. I am never ever getting therapy again.

 

[k75]

Mine fixates on the weirdest things. Like my best friend, which she knows is a complicated, sensitive subject. But she constantly asks and jumps to conclusions about him. Like recently, I said he was coming to visit for my birthday (he lives out of state). And she asked if he was spending the night, even though I told her his girlfriend wouldn't like that much every other time this came up. (Yes, she asks every time I see him.) And I mentioned not even wanting him to because I was too depressed to get out of bed even and it was for my birthday, which I didn't want to be happening.

She asked if he'd want to sleep with me and if I was upset about that. Like... whaaaa? Where did that come from?
And she asked if he was moving back here and if he did, could he live with me? I told her absolutely not, none of that's ever going to happen and she knows why. And her response was a mystified, "Oh."

That's a lot of very specific assumptions, especially when I told her the real reason, that I was too depressed to function, in the beginning.

I feel like I'm her only "friend" that she talks to and not like a client. I'm not interesting, but I think she tries to live vicariously through me.

Am I right in thinking this is not healthy or normal?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Am I right in thinking this is not healthy or normal?

Errr...yes? From what you say she sounds like she needs her own therapist...and that's you!

 

[VivaldiBR]

Try to change your therapist with some urgency. But try to go after more intelligent, careful and modern ones. Nor too much young (inexperienced), nor too much old (traditionalist).

You can ask a friend if he likes his psychologist, then ask him to send her to recommend other professionals for you. Other professionals she or he trusts.

That's what I did. And im very happy with my new one.

You need attention and care. Dont stay with a psychologist you dont like. And dont give up in this search.

I believe there are good and bad professionals in any area. Psychology is not different.

 

[Weary Soul]

Oi - and I thought I had severe memory problems after a brain injury.

O.O

Am I right in thinking this is not healthy or normal?

Yes.

It has been my experience that for every 1 good therapist out there, there are 10+ who need to find a new job in an industry as far away from health care as possible. Not to say that there are no good therapists, there are, it has just been difficult in my experience to find one that matches my particular psyche.

It is really a pet peeve of mine when people tell me what is in my head instead of listening to me and actually hearing me. Or assuming they know what is right for me (even though I have said otherwise), and ignoring me. Drives me nuts.

I hope that you keep searching!!

<3

 

[Midnight]

Things like this is why i never went to see a psychologist or therapist or other types of mental health professionals in the near 20 years that i've been depressed. I fail to see how they could ever help me. I'm well aware of my issue's by now and there is no amount of talk or medication that fixes any of my issue's. I understand that i'm the kind of person that does not want to be helped but thats because i feel that i don't need to be "fixed". I just need this goddamned life to be worthwhile or just plain step out of it cause it clearly doesn't work out.

I apologise that i don't have advice to offer. Only that can understand your problem and wish you could find someone that can help you.

 

[AutoTap]

Yeh my therapist wasn't doing a good job either so now I'm getting a new one. My anxiety is soo bad and it doesn't help I have multiple anxiety disorders :/

hope we get better!!

 

[k75]

Thank you! I really appreciate that you all took the time to read and comment.

I believe therapy can work, but I'm just so discouraged right now. If my benefits didn't require me to go, I'd probably stop.

It probably makes a big difference going to a counseling clinic vs private practice. My friend says I'm stuck with the McDonald's of mental health. Their clinician turnover rate is pretty high. I've had some good ones there, but they moved on quickly.

I have found a couple that sound really promising who specialize in grief disorders and PTSD, which is what I need. Of course, they are private, and they are either not taking new patients or don't take my insurance. Stupid roadblocks.

Why can't I have a tv show psychologist with a fancy private office and genius IQ who fixes anything?! LOL

Yeh my therapist wasn't doing a good job either so now I'm getting a new one. My anxiety is soo bad and it doesn't help I have multiple anxiety disorders :/

hope we get better!!

I hope so too! Good luck.

 

[Symbiote]

You have a shit therapist. Her concern towards you is nonexistent and that she was on a boat, therefore distracted. She should've rescheduled your appointment at a time when she wasn't on vacation or doing chores so she could focus her attention on you. As one therapist told me before I fired them, "You like to inconvenience people with your problems." Your therapist thinks you're the same way. Good luck finding a new one and hopefully they care.

 

[mr.smileysad]

I don't know what I expect here. I guess it's just that I need to vent a little. I'm just so frustrated. And scared. The way things are now, I'm reaching out for help as much as I can and despite that, I'm afraid they're going to just allow me to kill myself.

I know my problems, and I've done enough self-reflection to know what needs to be done about them. I just don't have a clue about HOW to do any of it. And I can't find anyone else who knows, either.

I'm searching for a new therapist. I don't know how to find one that might be able to help. But I do know my current one is halfassing everything.

I've been overlooking a lot, but today might have been the last straw. I constantly have to try and redirect her focus to my actual problems, and away from what she thinks are the causes of my depression like being away from family, isolating, whatever. She assumes I'm lonely, though I'm not. She assumes a lot.

I have to tell her every other session I'm not depressed because I am cooped up in my house. I don't mind quarantine. I won't be fixed by volunteer work or sitting in a park being around people.

The truth is, I do not want to exist to other people. I don't want them to ever see me. I want to be as small and anonymous as possible and not have an impact on anyone's life. And I tell her this explicitly, every time she says I have great things to offer the world and need to interact with people. It actually makes my anxiety spike to think of something like volunteering, but she's convinced I should and that's why I'm depressed.

I tell her I'm depressed because I'm chronically sick and mutilated and lost the only future I wanted. I'm depressed because I can't stop grieving anything ever, and I'm depressed because I'm plagued by flashbacks and memories. And every time I say it, she's surprised. And really... Is volunteering somewhere or petting baby animals going to fix these things?

Today, we had a session over the phone as usual since covid crap hit. And she was on her boat, doing chores. She was distracted. It was not good. We talked about the surgery that destroyed me, and she seemed to honestly not realize this was the number 1 issue I have. The reason I started therapy. She didn't remember me ever telling her I'd rather never have done it and be dead than be here living with the aftermath. She knows I'm suicidal, too, but she never seems to comprehend it.

How do you forget being told something like that? How do you hear that and not think it's important enough to maybe try to center some therapy around?

And it's not like she's the first therapist to fail me. I lost count at some point, but there were at least 11 before her. I've had good ones who admitted I needed more than they could offer. But I've also had a lot of awful ones, like the one that actually told me to stop being a Negative Nancy.

I need someone who knows how to deal with real problems. I need a specialist of some sort. I wish I knew how to find one. They've got to exist.

Please feel free to dm me, I'm not a therapist but I would like to be able to help you.