Venting I’m trapped in a living hell

[wannawayout]

I couldn't care less how my parents would ever feel about my decision to end my life . They are terrible and selfish people that have treated my siblings and I terribly our whole life. My mother especially has done nothing but abuse and neglect me in every way you can think of my entire life. It was my responsibility to take care of my younger brother and sister from a young age because my parents never did. It felt as though my moms only intention was to make me feel as though I had no self worth. Like I was just her punching bag and free labor . I have never once felt any love from her and honestly hate her for the countless cruel and unforgivable things she's done and said to me. We were always poor and it didn't help that my father is a heavy gambler yet they decided have 5 kids. I find that so fucking selfish. I've always taken care of my little brother and sister but now I can't even take care of myself anymore. Since I was like 11 is was cooking and cleaning for everyone and I was never really able to focus on myself. Pretty much every single day when my parents were married (divorced when I was 14) they would fight like maniacs. Cps and the police were always coming by but nothing ever changed. When I was 12 she beat me because I asked her why she was making my little brother cry and hurting him and after I told my older brother he called the police and she went to jail. When she got out she treated me so much worse than before. She always blamed me for putting her in jail and made my life even more miserable than it already was. The emotional and verbal abuse got worse. Words cannot describe how miserable she's made me feel. She cares more about talking to random men then her own children. She seriously causes nothing but harm. I have no will to live and I seriously cannot bear living my miserable life anymore . I spend everyday in this depressing and tiny house that's falling apart just thinking of ways I can end my life without it traumatizing my little brother and sister. I can't go a day without breaking down and it's way too much to handle. My little brother and sister already have to deal with having an absent and careless father along with a neglectful and abusive mom and I feel like a terrible person for leaving them. I'm not mentally stable enough to work so I've never been able to hold a job so if I don't end things now I'm just going to end up homeless very soon and there's no way I can do that. I haven't left my house in months because I fear being out in public and I feel like I'm just rotting away. Im sorry this sounds all over the place. I just wish I could find a way to end this already and not feel like a terrible person for leaving my little siblings behind. I don't know what to do .

 

[conflagration]

I am so sorry that this happens to you, life is just so cruel and unfair for some. Maybe look for shelter for victims of abuse? And don't feel guilty about leaving your parents, they should feel guilty about making your life living hell.

 

[Euthanza]

That's so unfortunate not to have parents that you can hold on to. I think you should find a safe place somewhere

https://www.samaritas.org/fostercare

 

[wannawayout]

I am so sorry that this happens to you, life is just so cruel and unfair for some. Maybe look for shelter for victims of abuse? And don't feel guilty about leaving your parents, they should feel guilty about making your life living hell.

Thank you. The thing is would be expected to improve my life going to a shelter but I don't want to get better. I just want my life to be over. I just feel guilty leaving my little siblings behind.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you are going through. Some people really are so cruel and to me it's terrible the way that many people treat others. None of us should have to endure such suffering. I hope that you find freedom from your situation.

 

[brokensea]

That's so horrible. No one should have to experience that. It's understandable to feel like life will never get better and you're on your own. We don't have any good support systems to help people in your situation. I'm not sure about how you feel if your siblings are still under age if they could be taken to foster care if you call CPS so that they are in better care. It's really tough to make it out in the world alone with no family support and few resources. It really can feel not being here is the only option because trying to make your way alone in the world is nothing anyone should have to do.