crescentmoonisland
Viser la lune, ça me fait pas peur
- Apr 1, 2024
- 6
It's been a while since I've been here. Truth is, I loved this site a little bit too much and I ended up dipping because while I'm actively suicidal, I can't CTB yet for multiple reasons, and since I feared the site would encourage me, I thought it'd be best to stop coming here. Except I'm still finding myself checking in once in a while, so at this point, I feel like it's useless to run away. So, here I am, once again...
(By the way, to the Algerian bro I've been speaking to in DMs, if you're somehow reading this: I'm sorry for disappearing like that without telling you first. Please forgive me. I can't even check my DMs because I'm super ashamed and because I'm a coward. Super sorry. Tahia djazair and allat.)
Anyways, not sure how to start this; hell, I don't even know if someone will read this, but I'm glad to be able to vent either way, even if it's to the void.
I have a multitude of flaws, but without a doubt, one of my worst ones is that I'm too overly sensitive and I don't know how to fix that. Literally everything makes me want to cry.
For example, today, I bawled my eyes out because I failed two exams in a row and I'm terrible when it comes to handling failure.(But also because I can't allow myself to fail my course of study since I can't repeat a year). A month ago or so, my teacher had berated me harshly in front of the whole class because I was struggling with things, and even though my class didn't really take this seriously because it's just how he is, I ended up crying uncontrollably on my way home then cried some more as soon as I got home. Then, I started daydreaming about being hit by a train. I know, it's dramatic, but it's what happens most of the time.
It doesn't stop at studies, though. It affects my everyday life. If someone raises their voice at me, I get teary-eyed and super, super upset. I end up thinking about it for days. And even after, I still hold a grudge. My cousin and I had an argument years ago over some small little thing, and I still can't forget about it to this day.
I can't handle criticism, either, because it hurts my feelings. From harmless criticism to harsh ones. If something doesn't go my way, I get so upset I genuinely want to end it. Every single failure makes me want to kill myself. And boy, do I fail super, super often. (I can't even remember a recent success. Or a success in general.)
Because of all those factors, I'm struggling to have good days nowadays. I mean, if I'm on this site, I'm obviously having super bad days, but it's made worse tenfold because of my hypersensitivity. This suscks.
I feel like it's because I've always been criticized as a kid, no matter what I did. I was isolated by my peers but that didn't exempt me from verbal bullying, too. I grew wanting to protect myself, I suppose… It's crazy how, almost a decade later, it still impacts me to this day. My self-esteem has been extremely low because of it. Maybe that's why I want to protect myself? Because I'm already having trouble with myself as it is? Then again, maybe I'm looking too far into it. Maybe I'm just trying to find excuses for being a baby at my big age... I don't know.
Anyways, it makes me wonder how I'll fare in life. I don't think I'll survive if I keep getting extremely upset by everything. I can't keep living like this, because I know I won't be able to live a good life if I'm already crying every day for no reason… but it's not like I expected a good life anyways haha. But I'm young, so I have a few decades ahead of me, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to CTB, even if I dream of it everyday, so, I'm not sure it's a good thing to be so sensitive. I dread the future because of that. The work scene is obviously going to eat me alive. That, plus the fact that I'm a pushover, is already proving to be a terrible combo for my future.
Obviously, such trivial things such as being yelled at are not the true reasons I want to kill myself even if they do negatively affect me. If I had to list the real reasons, we'd be here all day, but seriously, since it's so trivial, why is it affecting me so much? It's tiring to live like that, to be honest. It's seriously not helping my situation...
(By the way, to the Algerian bro I've been speaking to in DMs, if you're somehow reading this: I'm sorry for disappearing like that without telling you first. Please forgive me. I can't even check my DMs because I'm super ashamed and because I'm a coward. Super sorry. Tahia djazair and allat.)
Anyways, not sure how to start this; hell, I don't even know if someone will read this, but I'm glad to be able to vent either way, even if it's to the void.
I have a multitude of flaws, but without a doubt, one of my worst ones is that I'm too overly sensitive and I don't know how to fix that. Literally everything makes me want to cry.
For example, today, I bawled my eyes out because I failed two exams in a row and I'm terrible when it comes to handling failure.
It doesn't stop at studies, though. It affects my everyday life. If someone raises their voice at me, I get teary-eyed and super, super upset. I end up thinking about it for days. And even after, I still hold a grudge. My cousin and I had an argument years ago over some small little thing, and I still can't forget about it to this day.
I can't handle criticism, either, because it hurts my feelings. From harmless criticism to harsh ones. If something doesn't go my way, I get so upset I genuinely want to end it. Every single failure makes me want to kill myself. And boy, do I fail super, super often. (I can't even remember a recent success. Or a success in general.)
Because of all those factors, I'm struggling to have good days nowadays. I mean, if I'm on this site, I'm obviously having super bad days, but it's made worse tenfold because of my hypersensitivity. This suscks.
I feel like it's because I've always been criticized as a kid, no matter what I did. I was isolated by my peers but that didn't exempt me from verbal bullying, too. I grew wanting to protect myself, I suppose… It's crazy how, almost a decade later, it still impacts me to this day. My self-esteem has been extremely low because of it. Maybe that's why I want to protect myself? Because I'm already having trouble with myself as it is? Then again, maybe I'm looking too far into it. Maybe I'm just trying to find excuses for being a baby at my big age... I don't know.
Anyways, it makes me wonder how I'll fare in life. I don't think I'll survive if I keep getting extremely upset by everything. I can't keep living like this, because I know I won't be able to live a good life if I'm already crying every day for no reason… but it's not like I expected a good life anyways haha. But I'm young, so I have a few decades ahead of me, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to CTB, even if I dream of it everyday, so, I'm not sure it's a good thing to be so sensitive. I dread the future because of that. The work scene is obviously going to eat me alive. That, plus the fact that I'm a pushover, is already proving to be a terrible combo for my future.
Obviously, such trivial things such as being yelled at are not the true reasons I want to kill myself even if they do negatively affect me. If I had to list the real reasons, we'd be here all day, but seriously, since it's so trivial, why is it affecting me so much? It's tiring to live like that, to be honest. It's seriously not helping my situation...
I still remember being berated by my teacher for being too excited when I was 11.
