softfuzzyman
Rot
- Aug 17, 2020
- 77
Random edit number 2 to say: i see soo many goodbye/CTB threads set for today... if youre reading this and still stuck here like me today with this grief and sorrow and loss and stress, i hope you're able to sleep well if youre close to sleep, and if youre starting the day i hope it's an okay day for you. Take care of yourself today if you're stuck here. It's officially Monday here in the us and goodness what a hard day, huh? What a hard weekend we've just gotten over, going into another likely hard week... i hope you can at least have something nice today, i hope to those kf us still living starting this week and having to go through it all again thjs week, thdt we can find some small peace for even one moment
First of all pardon if I have any typos my phone keyboard has been acting very strange and dismissing the keyboard whenever i try to backspace so its just such a hassle to try to type with that and its just easier to leabe stuff than try to fix it.
Anyway in the past 2 months there's only been a couple nights where i HAVEN'T planned to CTB thst night, meaning every single night i plan to end it. And every time im just a combination of too depressed and not having enough energy to do it, and too weak and afraid to do it. Im constantly anxious and still constantly think about it all day every day from the instant i become conscious... im constantly suffering and in pain and full of feelings of dread and doom and misery. But i just cant actually work up the energy and nerve to do anything about it. Despite how badly i want to.
Tomorrow i am supposed to start a job and i just dont know. I have a solid hunch im going to get overwhelmed and have panic attacks within the first few days becayse i can barely take basic care of myself let alone be a functioning human in a crappy food service job but im praying maybe some miracle happens and i actually feel good about it and having to do something throughout the day helps lift my depression some. I dont know. Most likely ill still want to CTB but that was kinda the deadline id been wanting to do it before and in failing tonight i feel like ive missed my chance and now i feel so miserable and weak. I just hate feeling like this and knowing it isnt goingg to get better and knowing i cant do anything about it and knowing i have to suffer eternally
I just dunno im just venting. Id give anything to have some magic button to push that just makes my brain work , id equally give anything to have a magic button to push that just makes me quietly fade out of existence without the difficulty of having to actually kill myself. It's all fucked.
Random edit to add more venting. I wish i could afford ketamine treatment. Fuck, i wish i could find a way to get psychadelics, honestly maybe having a fucked up mind bending trip would shift something. Also im such a stupif ass doomer that i dont see any hope for humanity at large anyway so its just shfhhfdh why dk i have to fight to stay alive only to live in a miserable painful doomed world anyway
First of all pardon if I have any typos my phone keyboard has been acting very strange and dismissing the keyboard whenever i try to backspace so its just such a hassle to try to type with that and its just easier to leabe stuff than try to fix it.
Anyway in the past 2 months there's only been a couple nights where i HAVEN'T planned to CTB thst night, meaning every single night i plan to end it. And every time im just a combination of too depressed and not having enough energy to do it, and too weak and afraid to do it. Im constantly anxious and still constantly think about it all day every day from the instant i become conscious... im constantly suffering and in pain and full of feelings of dread and doom and misery. But i just cant actually work up the energy and nerve to do anything about it. Despite how badly i want to.
Tomorrow i am supposed to start a job and i just dont know. I have a solid hunch im going to get overwhelmed and have panic attacks within the first few days becayse i can barely take basic care of myself let alone be a functioning human in a crappy food service job but im praying maybe some miracle happens and i actually feel good about it and having to do something throughout the day helps lift my depression some. I dont know. Most likely ill still want to CTB but that was kinda the deadline id been wanting to do it before and in failing tonight i feel like ive missed my chance and now i feel so miserable and weak. I just hate feeling like this and knowing it isnt goingg to get better and knowing i cant do anything about it and knowing i have to suffer eternally
I just dunno im just venting. Id give anything to have some magic button to push that just makes my brain work , id equally give anything to have a magic button to push that just makes me quietly fade out of existence without the difficulty of having to actually kill myself. It's all fucked.
Random edit to add more venting. I wish i could afford ketamine treatment. Fuck, i wish i could find a way to get psychadelics, honestly maybe having a fucked up mind bending trip would shift something. Also im such a stupif ass doomer that i dont see any hope for humanity at large anyway so its just shfhhfdh why dk i have to fight to stay alive only to live in a miserable painful doomed world anyway
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