Venting im too much of a coward to ctb

[theanonymousssly]

i've tried to ctb roughly 8 or 9 times throughout my life, all of them (obviously) failed. i want to die so bad i can't even deal with it anymore.

what's even worse is that i have pretty bad bpd (in the sense that my symptoms are severe) and i can go from planning my suicide to wanting to live a long life in the span of a minute. every fucking time i make a new plan to ctb my manic episodes come and i end up never doing it. i'm so tired of this endless cycle and i just want to get over myself and fucking die.

also doesn't help that i'm terrified of disappointing my family, parents said they'd go absolutely mad if i died idk what to do anymore, but i just know it's a matter of time before i succeed in suicide

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Well, you are in pretty good company here in struggling with the fear. Yet countless people do find the courage required. Why some people and not others? That's a good question.

How close were the attempts?

Have you tried DBT for the BPD symptoms? Does it help to know the urges to die seem to be fleeting? The problem seems to be that the desire to live isn't really genuine and sustaining.

 

[アホペンギン]

It isn't cowardly to not be able to ctb, even after many attempts. Its just SI that drilled a specific way of thinking into your head which prevents you from actually ctb- life will get better, or, you'll hurt those who care about you. Or its BPD that is causing this which is uncontrollable. Hopefully you'll find relief from this. As someone with many attempts and they all obviously failed, I understand your situation and sincerely hope you can find a way out of this. Best wishes!

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I highly disagree, SI is just one hell of a survival mechanism to get past so to come second best to it is nothing yourself or anyone else should call themselves a coward for. I'm sorry for your BPD though

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't think that someone is cowardly if they struggle to ctb especially as we exist in this anti-suicide society where suicide is purposely made as difficult as possible for people. Suicide just simply isn't straightforward, I find it awful how people even have to suffer from failed attempts in the first place, all those who wish to be gone deserve the option to leave this existence reliably in peace.

 

[OnceThougtTwiceDone]

Don't consider yourself a coward for not wanting to CTB, it is a really hard thing to do for almost everyone. You might want to get medicine for your ADHD while you're in a manic episode, and start taking it as soon as you are out of it, so that you will stay in a depressive episode (I might be wrong about that working, I tried finding an answer online but after searching for around 10 minutes, I found no answers, but it is worth trying to see if it works.)

 

[SpiritualDeath]

Sorry you're suffering like this. You're not a coward for finding it hard to ctb because it IS hard.

 

[theanonymousssly]

Well, you are in pretty good company here in struggling with the fear. Yet countless people do find the courage required. Why some people and not others? That's a good question.

How close were the attempts?

Have you tried DBT for the BPD symptoms? Does it help to know the urges to die seem to be fleeting? The problem seems to be that the desire to live isn't really genuine and sustaining.

most attempts ended with the rope snapping after a few moments (for hanging) and stuff, only one in particular was serious because the docs said my heart stopped beating and i was lucky to not get brain damage.

and yeah, i've been in dbt for 4 years now. doesn't work at all, i've just been becoming progressively more suicidal

i feel like the fleeting suicidal urges makes everything worse. in a sense, i can see how it can be considered comforting, but not for me. i just want my mental state when i'm happy to be permanent, and if it's not, i want to die

 

[LaVieEnRose]

most attempts ended with the rope snapping after a few moments (for hanging) and stuff, only one in particular was serious because the docs said my heart stopped beating and i was lucky to not get brain damage.

and yeah, i've been in dbt for 4 years now. doesn't work at all, i've just been becoming progressively more suicidal

i feel like the fleeting suicidal urges makes everything worse. in a sense, i can see how it can be considered comforting, but not for me. i just want my mental state when i'm happy to be permanent, and if it's not, i want to die

How did you summon the courage when you made the serious attempt before?

The problem is DBT is applied very uniformly with little consideration for people's individual differing circumstances. What do you think has kept it from being effective? In fact it seems it is harmful.

My question was whether knowing it's a cyclical thing instead of being more consistently chronic was helpful at all. It is more cons Though I know it is still exhausting.

 

[Scribbilamarks]

I completley understand how you feel, ive attempted too many times to count ranging from when i was five, to about a month ago, but SI always gets in the way. All I can tell yoy from my experiance, is that its not cowardly to have failed. Loads of people fail, all the time, but loads of people succeed aswell, hopefully someday, (if thats still what you want) youll be able to find the peace you need