Nobody really gets that. They don't understand it. I can't really be a part of society because of how I behave, how I think, how I treat people.
I say something stupid to someone. They get visibly upset and scream at me. Instead of apologizing I scream back. But now I hold it in. I act nice until the personal inevitably blocks me. I've had that happen on facebook before. Rightfully so. But it still makes me angry to think about. I can't live like a normal person because I have to literally watch everything I do, everything I say. I can say ONE thing- just ONE- and that's enough to set someone off into full-blown rage. And I often for the life of me cannot figure out why.
But I deserved it. And it makes me angry to think about. Because I have a twisted sense of justice, because I'm a narcissist. I think I'm right when I'm not right. This is why no one can relate to me. Nobody understands what it's like. Even explaining it like this isn't enough. Because I GENUINELY think what I'm saying is ok. It's not but apparently I think it's fine. That's how fucked up I am.
And can't stop it. It happens automatically. That's why I bought my SN from IC when I had the chance. That's why I want to get out of here before it's too late. And also because I don't want to end up on the street. My mom wants me to go to school and get a job and go to college. I know that will never happen. I know I'll inevitably end up dropping out or failing my classes. The stress would be too great. I could barely manage highschool, what on earth makes her think I can handle college? And if I got a job I would end up being fired for various reasons. It would happen, I know it would and I would have no control over it but because I do these things it would be my fault. What my mom doesn't understand is people can go to school and get jobs- I can't do those things because of how I behave. I have no self-control.
Nobody understands what it's like to be me, to have to walk on eggshells every time you speak, to try to hold in your anger everyday because it's not justified. It never is. The rule is I'm wrong and they're right, I'm always the villain. I'm always the horrible person when it doesn't even feel like that. I don't know right from wrong anymore.
And I wake up and think about all the awful things I did. It was like I was in a mania. I was in a craze when it happened. It's like I blacked out but I did it and I was aware when I did it but I had no control over myself when it happened. And I think about it often, like how and why did I do that? And I realize how wrong it was of me to do those things.
But i can't take it back. I wish I could take it back but I can't. And I have to live with it, haunting me, tormenting me, over and over and over and over again. But they tell me to stand up for myself so I do. But when I do I'm the one doing something wrong. And I am the one doing something wrong but it just doesn't feel that way.
I'm too far gone. Let me die. Let me drink my SN and free you from whatever I am.
I say something stupid to someone. They get visibly upset and scream at me. Instead of apologizing I scream back. But now I hold it in. I act nice until the personal inevitably blocks me. I've had that happen on facebook before. Rightfully so. But it still makes me angry to think about. I can't live like a normal person because I have to literally watch everything I do, everything I say. I can say ONE thing- just ONE- and that's enough to set someone off into full-blown rage. And I often for the life of me cannot figure out why.
But I deserved it. And it makes me angry to think about. Because I have a twisted sense of justice, because I'm a narcissist. I think I'm right when I'm not right. This is why no one can relate to me. Nobody understands what it's like. Even explaining it like this isn't enough. Because I GENUINELY think what I'm saying is ok. It's not but apparently I think it's fine. That's how fucked up I am.
And can't stop it. It happens automatically. That's why I bought my SN from IC when I had the chance. That's why I want to get out of here before it's too late. And also because I don't want to end up on the street. My mom wants me to go to school and get a job and go to college. I know that will never happen. I know I'll inevitably end up dropping out or failing my classes. The stress would be too great. I could barely manage highschool, what on earth makes her think I can handle college? And if I got a job I would end up being fired for various reasons. It would happen, I know it would and I would have no control over it but because I do these things it would be my fault. What my mom doesn't understand is people can go to school and get jobs- I can't do those things because of how I behave. I have no self-control.
Nobody understands what it's like to be me, to have to walk on eggshells every time you speak, to try to hold in your anger everyday because it's not justified. It never is. The rule is I'm wrong and they're right, I'm always the villain. I'm always the horrible person when it doesn't even feel like that. I don't know right from wrong anymore.
And I wake up and think about all the awful things I did. It was like I was in a mania. I was in a craze when it happened. It's like I blacked out but I did it and I was aware when I did it but I had no control over myself when it happened. And I think about it often, like how and why did I do that? And I realize how wrong it was of me to do those things.
But i can't take it back. I wish I could take it back but I can't. And I have to live with it, haunting me, tormenting me, over and over and over and over again. But they tell me to stand up for myself so I do. But when I do I'm the one doing something wrong. And I am the one doing something wrong but it just doesn't feel that way.
I'm too far gone. Let me die. Let me drink my SN and free you from whatever I am.
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