I’m too broken for love

[Water-Lily]

Yesterday I spent some time with one of my friends and her bf. She invited me to eat brunch together. Though I liked being in their presence (we've been friends for the past few months) it has me reflecting on my current state of relationships

I compare myself to my friend, who is well into her healing journey (CPTSD, therapy, group therapy, etc) and has managed to heal enough to be in a healthy committed relationship

Meanwhile, I find that being so vulnerable and connected with someone isn't something I feel comfortable doing. I find hooking up/non committal relationships easier to manage right now in my life. Making more casual/platonic friendships is why makes me content rn

But, to the fact that I am so screwed up I can't be with someone (I don't want to drag anyone into my mental mess) makes me feel less than and broken

Something is wrong with me fundamentally that I can't connect with someone romantically

I hate who I am

 

[The anhedonic one]

I have always had difficulty being able to connect to others on a social or romantic level.
I suffer from bpd and a little bit of Asperger's so this makes forming and keeping relationships very difficult.
So sorry you are going through this.

 

[Water-Lily]

I have always had difficulty being able to connect to others on a social or romantic level.
I suffer from bpd and a little bit of Asperger's so this makes forming and keeping relationships very difficult.
So sorry you are going through this.

yeah. I have a bucket load of trauma and likely CPTSD too. Seeing my friend who also has the disorder but has managed to land a job, be in a healthy relationship, etc, is suffering

I know comparison is not healthy but I can't help it. She's better than me in every way

To the point where, later in the day yesterday, I was shocked when she wanted to accompany me on my exercise walk. She had to leave with my bf so it didnt happen, but the fact that she wanted to go with me is unbelievable

 

[The anhedonic one]

yeah. I have a bucket load of trauma and likely CPTSD too. Seeing my friend who also has the disorder but has managed to land a job, be in a healthy relationship, etc, is suffering

I know comparison is not healthy but I can't help it. She's better than me in every way

To the point where, later in the day yesterday, I was shocked when she wanted to accompany me on my exercise walk. She had to leave with my bf so it didnt happen, but the fact that she wanted to go with me is unbelievable

It's only natural to feel that way about your friend. I have felt exactly the same way about other people in the past.
So sorry you are going through this. Life and our messed up brains are so damn cruel to us.

 

[Water-Lily]

It's only natural to feel that way about your friend. I have felt exactly the same way about other people in the past.
So sorry you are going through this. Life and our messed up brains are so damn cruel to us.

yeah. it makes me not want to be around her because her success reminds me of how behind and fucked up I am because of my circumstances

 

[MrDarkness]

The best you thing I heard is you can't love someone else if you can't love yourself, I've given up on both, I don't desire such things, I don't deserve it

 

[The anhedonic one]

yeah. it makes me not want to be around her because her success reminds me of how behind and fucked up I am because of my circumstances

I can definitely relate. Dumped most of the people in my life because of this.

 

[Water-Lily]

I can definitely relate. Dumped most of the people in my life because of this.

but doesnt that make you more isolated?

 

[AerialBoundaries]

I'm sorry for being a dickhead. I'm a bad person. I love you all.
I might see you all on the other side, if there is one..

 

[Water-Lily]

I'm sorry for being a dickhead. I'm a bad person. I love you all.
I might see you all on the other side, if there is one..

Did something happen? I'm confused

 

[The anhedonic one]

but doesnt that make you more isolated?

Yes. That's how much of a messed up person I am. I'm a borderline personality sufferer and we are well known for pushing people away. I truly hate my dysfunctional brain.