Venting I'm tired.

[skulkingbaron]

Hey ya'll!

This evening has me pensive. I am. So, so very tired with life. I'm not old by any means (21), but I recently went through a few disheartening events, and I feel like I keep finding myself back at square one. Even when I have so many things to be thankful for- I simply can't find the energy to be happy. I have snippets in my day to day. Things I hold onto dearly but easily lost and I always find myself falling back into the pits.

The hardest reconciliation I have with kms is that... I do have people in my life who I love dearly. Who have had similar struggles, but they keep moving forward? I just feel out of breath trying to keep up. I've always looked at suicide as a way to achieve eternal sleep. A way to finally get the rest my body craves- I don't want to wake up, I just want to rest endlessly.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I understand this is a decision I have to come to on my own, but sometimes I want to just get these feelings off my chest without having them feel like a dirty secret.

 

[ncmxm]

I just feel out of breath trying to keep up. I've always looked at suicide as a way to achieve eternal sleep. A way to finally get the rest my body craves- I don't want to wake up, I just want to rest endlessly

This is exactly how I feel sometime too. I just want to sleep forever, sometimes it feels like the only way to get enough rest.

If you're asking how I got out of it, well I haven't exactly gotten out of it ahah
What helps me is just sleeping for really long periods of time to make it feel like a mini death

As for being unable to keep up with other people and not being able to cope with the difficulties as well as other people, do you know this feeling of when you're so late after a certain point you start getting ready within rushing because you're late anyway? This is how I deal with it. I'm already "late", so I might as well take my time.

And please don't blame yourself for not being able to keep moving forward as easily as other people, if you could choose you'd choose to be able to go on no problem so it's not like you're doing it by choice.

Hope things get better for you soon

 

[FuneralCry]

I am also very tired of life. I am also 21, but I believe that at this point I have suffered enough. I know that it can be a hopeless feeling when things just get worse, this life can be very exhausting and depressing. It also comforts me, the thought of sleeping forever. I never want to experience anything ever again. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[allesistgut]

lately i've been feeling more and more exhausted. i'm quite young as well (20) and i just can't imagine living for x many more years, even thinking of my future in the coming weeks is taxing. i mean i've had periods before where i've considered ctb, but this time feels much different, i feel very certain.

i'm aware that some of my friends are dealing with or have had periods of depression, but they seem to be able to still function (like going to school, working a full time job and actually moving forward in their lives). though not to take away from what they're dealing with in any way, it's just i can't seem to do either.

I always find myself falling back into the pits.

yeah i get that feeling as well. it's like i'll have moments (though lately not much at all) when i feel somewhat better, but i always eventually end up back with how i felt before.

in the past i've had periods where i felt "good" or like i had some hope for a future, but there was always a part of me that was just waiting for when i would feel bad again, idk. because i knew that the thoughts would eventually return or something?

 

[GreenTree]

I'm 44. I feel sorry for 20 year olds who are tired with life. I'm exhausted. It's bad enough being exhausted with life at my age but my heart goes out to younger members. You don't deserve to feel this way so young. Any age is bad enough wanting to die but 20 is awful to feel this way.

 

[skulkingbaron]

lately i've been feeling more and more exhausted. i'm quite young as well (20) and i just can't imagine living for x many more years, even thinking of my future in the coming weeks is taxing. i mean i've had periods before where i've considered ctb, but this time feels much different, i feel very certain.

i'm aware that some of my friends are dealing with or have had periods of depression, but they seem to be able to still function (like going to school, working a full time job and actually moving forward in their lives). though not to take away from what they're dealing with in any way, it's just i can't seem to do either.

yeah i get that feeling as well. it's like i'll have moments (though lately not much at all) when i feel somewhat better, but i always eventually end up back with how i felt before.

in the past i've had periods where i felt "good" or like i had some hope for a future, but there was always a part of me that was just waiting for when i would feel bad again, idk. because i knew that the thoughts would eventually return or something?

I can understand the feeling of always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It does make it hard to stay optimistic when life events continue to stack against you- our world is very much pay-to-play. Your situation is also based on luck (In my opinion- I do not personally hold religious beliefs based in reincarnation). I have known people who were incredibly happy with their lives as well as vice versa. I would not say you're lacking functionality, but that our current system benefits only a specific set of people.

I'm 44. I feel sorry for 20 year olds who are tired with life. I'm exhausted. It's bad enough being exhausted with life at my age but my heart goes out to younger members. You don't deserve to feel this way so young. Any age is bad enough wanting to die but 20 is awful to feel this way.

I am not sure if this a personal belief you hold, but I do feel the way that current systems are going, it only contributes to the exhaustion our people (In reference to the working class) feel. No matter what we do, we always end up back in the rat race that is life. I dream of community-based support, the ability to take breaks when needed. Part of my exhaustion has definitely stemmed from the fact that it feels impossible to have the rest I need unless it is permanent. I don't have the luxury to keep myself afloat while I work through my personal grief.

I likewise am sorry that you share our solidarity but am glad you have found a safe space.

 

[BreakingTheHabit]

I feel the same way. I'm also 21 and already worn out from life. I've done almost everything that I can to help: eating healthy, exercising, therapy, meditation, easing up on myself, but none of it seems to help substantially. It's good that you feel comfortable talking about your feelings at least here. Personally, it seems like bottling up your emotions only lets them fester. With those that you love and have had similar struggles, have you reached out to them? Though, only do it if your comfortable doing so. Maybe they have some tips that they can share and help you out more than we can.

 

[skulkingbaron]

I feel the same way. I'm also 21 and already worn out from life. I've done almost everything that I can to help: eating healthy, exercising, therapy, meditation, easing up on myself, but none of it seems to help substantially. It's good that you feel comfortable talking about your feelings at least here. Personally, it seems like bottling up your emotions only lets them fester. With those that you love and have had similar struggles, have you reached out to them? Though, only do it if your comfortable doing so. Maybe they have some tips that they can share and help you out more than we can.

I have spoken strongly about my feelings but have only brought up my suicidal ideations briefly. When I discussed them with my parents, I was told to not speak about it further by my mother as 'it was upsetting my father to hear this'. As for my friends, I think with our age, many talks of suicide end up turning humorous. While we do try and support each other we are all suffering. I tend to attract friends who are also struggling with their mental health (Likely due to the safe space we have created). While I am open to tips and help, I feel that the deep healing I crave is long-term, and not one that can be achieved currently without putting myself out there into the unknown. Tiresome as well, but it is what I am currently attempting. I don't have active plans to CTB, but it continues to linger, and weighs my thoughts as well as actions down.