Venting I’m tired

[BecomingTired]

Why am I so useless at everything I set my mind to, I'm such a horrible person and just make everything worse; I shouldn't at all have existed and wish there could be someone who could replace me and genuinely make everything better in my place. It was never about anyone else or my life or any of that cope I would tell myself it was all me I ruin everything ever since I was born im such fucking trash i dont deserve any amount of sympathy; i need to kill myself to even atone a semblance of pain i cause to others.

I can't even figure out the most basic of things that others could easily handle and never say the right stuff, I genuinely cannot comprehend certain things like a fucking robot programmed to do only certain tasks; i ruined my family, my friends, my life I ruined it all by my sole hands. I'm a major fuck up with no understanding of anyone else to the point I pretend to be someone else to feel even slightly feel included in society, every moment I exist is just another moment someone else feels worse than they already feel. I was born to die, neither of my biological parents wanted me yet I still exist. As soon as I was born I was already hurting my own mother binding her to her life long abuser and eventually making us homeless due to his arrest, she didn't hate me because of her suffering but because I CAUSED her suffering; I miss the days when I was completely alone crying in my broken down room because atleast then I was completely isolated from the world and was unable to realise how horrible I really am, I fucking hate living I can't stand my own utterly useless and ignorant existence I can't stand the constant need to feel wanted and to feel understood. It can't be explained with just autism, insomnia or a unknown mental disorder I'm not aware of, it's my existence itself thats an enigma; I exist to die, my life is worthless. I'm such trash it hurts so much, I want to claw my arms off until I bleekd out. I feel so bad how utterly helpless I am at helping others who genuinely mean a lot to me, I genuinely fucking suck as a human being.

My whole life has either been my own suffering or causing the suffering of another, even my own brothers blame me for any amount of suffering they get now. It's so fucking awful how easily someone get mentally or any of the sort worse the more they interact with me whenever I'm not faking my entire identity, I'm literally a plague to anyone who gets near the "real" me yet I starve for that sort of connection whats wrong with me. I understand how much I hurt others yet whenever someone allows me to feel alive I get addicted to that feeling like a selfish prick, I watch their descent due to me yet I still crave to stay their friend or whatever more and more.

I don't even have goals, dreams, ambitions; I quite literally strive for nothing unlike others, I genuinely do believe as long people are able to even dream of something they are absolutely able to recover but I'm not that, I genuinely can't. I got nothing.

Any form of "comfort" I'm given just hurts me even more, it never makes sense to me, it all stems from the fact I'm completely innocent or a "good" person that was the one hurt.

Let me ask you this: If there's someone for all their life hurts others, bring about pain and is a self-loathing fuck all the while who simply can't understand how they are causing it; what gives them any right to exist? Nothing.

There's no greater evil than ignorance.

The best I can do for others is to die soon before I hurt anyone else.

Even if I manage to figure things out, then what?

I'm still stuck with my mind and i'll always be suffering. Whenever I make a post or vent, people slap all sort of serious mental disorders on me and tell me that I need therapy it makes me feel even worse; it's clear even if I was never homeless, abused, broke or anything I would've suffered anyways and certainly would've still hurt others, just less likely I would've actually realise I wad doing it.
My mind is constantly chaotic with so many issues running at the same time, I only just realised the reason I been so emotionally disconnected is me noising out all the mess that is running rapidly. I'm an utter disgrace for every sense of the word: I'm a horrible son, a horrible brother, a horrible friend and a horrible person.

I was genuinely just born an evil person, completely selfish and deserving to die in every sense of the term.

I don't want words of comfort, I just wanted to post this somewhere to feel less regretful later on.

 

[aespa]

Am here for you even if you don't want comfort just know that :D I Don't know you but honestly just the fact that you feel this way proves you have good morals (also the pfp is nice)

 

[Alpenglow]

I don't believe you should hold yourself accountable for causing suffering to your mother. When you say you 'caused' her suffering, it is the position you were in, her child, not you, the person, who caused it. Assuming you exist, which you had no choice but to, she was bound to be in a bad situation. So I don't think it's reasonable or logical to put that as your fault.

Humans naturally want social contact, it's somewhat of a basic need, you will become severely anxious and stressed if you perceive yourself as isolated. It was dangerous to be alone several millennia back so now we're stuck with it. So it is normal for you to desire a connection with others.

It is also normal to not have other aspirations, much like starving, being severely lonely focuses your mind on whatever you lack. Someone who's starving isn't thinking about love, sex, money, or whatever else, they think about food and that's it. Blame evolution for that too.

Now does any of this change how you feel? Probably not, but you should know that this isn't necessarily a problem you can solve by yourself, at least not entirely. It's in my opinion not reasonable to expect you to be a fully helpful and kind person, even functional people don't pull it off so expecting it out of your circumstances is unreasonable imo

Regardless I wish you all the best ^^

 

[UnnervedCompany]

Your mindset to yourself is very similar to the mindset I have of myself.