NoOneLovesMiMi
Just Me
- May 27, 2023
- 114
I haven't been here in awhile.
I've been doing my usual routine of surviving.
My weekend is Thursday and Friday so usually I sleep in on Thursday.
Lay in bed for hours scrolling on reels.
Then I make breakfast.
Then I try to think of all the things I want and need to do that day just to end up going back to sleep.
Wake up eat and watch TV.
Go to bed and wake up the next day to get as much done as possible So I can get ready to go back to work.
In bed I constantly think about how can I get passed my fear of another passing attempt.
I become angry and sad because I really can't do it.
I begin to question why did covid skip me.
I never even gotten so much as a cold during covid.
I was jealous of people who passed away during covid.
My 2 methods are my last hope.
I've even considered if it's possible for me to hire a hit man for myself.
I'm tired all the time.
I worry about everything.
I've created these bad habits of coping.
I procrastinate on things I need to do because I don't know what I'm doing.
My right eye jumps alot.
My body aches always.
I go back and forth between being grateful to God and being angry with God.
And all these thoughts rush in and it all leads to I just want to die.
I don't want to be here anymore.
Why can't I do this.
Why am I this way.
What did I do to deserve this.
Why can't I fix it.
I just want to dissappear.
It's so bad that I cried on the phone to a customer service representative while discussing my shitty insurance that covers nothing because I just felt overwhelmed.
I usually don't cry.
But I did that day and 5 other times.
So I would say that's the most I've cried in the last 2 years.
I'm trying to figure out what I'm gonna do.
I need to plan and stick to the plan.
I have 2 big responsibilities that I'm trying to focus on and once I get those put of the way I think I can try to get a plan implemented.
I'm just over this life.
I don't want it.
I accepted all I can.
I did all I could to fix it.
And enough is enough.
I've been doing my usual routine of surviving.
My weekend is Thursday and Friday so usually I sleep in on Thursday.
Lay in bed for hours scrolling on reels.
Then I make breakfast.
Then I try to think of all the things I want and need to do that day just to end up going back to sleep.
Wake up eat and watch TV.
Go to bed and wake up the next day to get as much done as possible So I can get ready to go back to work.
In bed I constantly think about how can I get passed my fear of another passing attempt.
I become angry and sad because I really can't do it.
I begin to question why did covid skip me.
I never even gotten so much as a cold during covid.
I was jealous of people who passed away during covid.
My 2 methods are my last hope.
I've even considered if it's possible for me to hire a hit man for myself.
I'm tired all the time.
I worry about everything.
I've created these bad habits of coping.
I procrastinate on things I need to do because I don't know what I'm doing.
My right eye jumps alot.
My body aches always.
I go back and forth between being grateful to God and being angry with God.
And all these thoughts rush in and it all leads to I just want to die.
I don't want to be here anymore.
Why can't I do this.
Why am I this way.
What did I do to deserve this.
Why can't I fix it.
I just want to dissappear.
It's so bad that I cried on the phone to a customer service representative while discussing my shitty insurance that covers nothing because I just felt overwhelmed.
I usually don't cry.
But I did that day and 5 other times.
So I would say that's the most I've cried in the last 2 years.
I'm trying to figure out what I'm gonna do.
I need to plan and stick to the plan.
I have 2 big responsibilities that I'm trying to focus on and once I get those put of the way I think I can try to get a plan implemented.
I'm just over this life.
I don't want it.
I accepted all I can.
I did all I could to fix it.
And enough is enough.
