If you died in the night from this, how many of your fears and worries would go on mattering? Those are the only ones that do matter. Everything else is a waste of a high.
You'll either survive this, or you won't. That's it. Everything else is juggled by you. Put the balls down. Sink in the high. I can't say everything will be alright, but christ, I really want to.
My worries.... honestly? Just how my friends & family would feel but if it's a natural death then maybe they'll feel less but also everyone will look it at in a lot of ways. One of em being that I didn't try hard enough with my health so its my fault. Which shouldn't even matter in death but ig it matters in life.
I just wanna be understood. I want someone in my life to understand how overwhelmed I am & how the overwhelm blocks me from making lasting changes. I wanted to go back to 6 months ago when I was functioning and had good things to share. I wanna not be consumed by health issues & debilitated.
I like the concept of dropping the balls tbh... I would loveeee to just spend just 1 day without health blocking my way/impacting me so mmuch.But as it gets worse I need to try harder & I'm at max capacity so I crash and can't do the things for improvements...
I want to hold on to my dreams and get through things but I also want to let go of everything...
Rambles but thnxx. I can't say it'll be alright either but eh.
My friend is going to ask her cousin about the symptoms but ik whats going on.
Im now just wondering how long it'll take me to die from this and how painful it is.
I'm pathetic or learned helplessness or whatever negative bullshit term I can throw on myself.
Truthfully I'm tired. Come out of this suicidality into sickness.
I just told friend ima go myself. That's a lie.
Im a loser who just gives up. No. Nevermind im not gonna lie and demean myself. Im gonna be honest here. I am so fucking tired of everything.
Every single issue I have taken it in and said " ok I will understand and try my best" I get frustrated but im only human.
I try my best to rise and it feels like in this world I'm just falling.
I've been working through this cloak of suicidality to get to a place of acceptance and start doing joyful things more. Too sick to do em most of the time but I try.
i accepted being home bound rn. I accepted being less capable. I accepted that everyone is out having fun and I'm here hating myself hating my body hating my life.
I've been working on accepting my disabilities but struggling.
I am really sorry to say but I'm at max caavpcity. My Dad will tell me I am worrying myself and causing myself stress. He'll tell me in so many words that im a fucking loser. That he sees me as this ball of stress. He cant be here physically and I just wanted someone to cry to.
my brother will think that I am negative, self defeating, stressful and selfish. Im glad he is starting to live his life. Hes been going out more lately and im so happy for him. I mean that.
my friend is always trying her best to support and I appreciate it all but I'm tired of being a mess to others. To need to be supported tbh. I feel like a burden.
Anyone can look at me and call me stupid, lazy, pathetic, self sabotage, defeatist etc etc
Truth is I'm just overwhelmed and shutting down.
I'm going to just leave everyone alone now. I'm sick & such. It's been a hard time accepting or adjusting. Crisis often lately. Everyones tired and so am I.
I'm gonna just sit here like the stupid fuck up I am and just let this kill me. Im a dumbass but ya kno I've been hoping for something to be fatal tbh.
I've been hoping for something to be fatal and to be able to just give up and let something kill me.
I guess im not as strong as anyone or even myself thought
Fuck up everyone with my existence tence and will fuck em up with my death.
At least in death though I won't have to suffer through all of this and feel so alone. At least I won't be fighting for my life only to be dumped with another problem.
That's all. I'm done now. Everyone can go on with their lives bc like my Dad said he's tryna live and I'm just trying to die & wanting people to convince me otherwise.
I never wanted convincing. Just love, compassion and comfort.
Ii thought I tried my best to be there for my Dad and brother. I guess I didn't do enough. Without me here they can go on living their best lives and I wish that for everyone.
I hope I die this week. I'll be waiting for it. I am pathetic but at least this'll be over soon hopefully.
Update:
Honestly I hope this will kill me but tbh if it was probs would've been by now? Tho it is getting worse so? I dunno.
No one believes me that this is a thyroid storm even tho my doctor literally warned me about this. Even though my throat is visibly swollen. Even tho all those symptoms have been that and more for me. Whatever. Usual perspective of being viewed as being over concerned instead of aware. I ignored it too long anyway so I'm sure I'll be fine.. for now.
I have a doctors appointments Thursday so im just gonna wait. Fuck hospitals. They trigger me and I hate needing others help. I hate how much help I need. I hate that I am trying my best and it isn't enough.
Im just gonna isolate. "Reach out" for fucking what? To have relationships change, to be demeaned, ignored, a constant stress? Fuck this shit. Existing with things that consume everything and blocks me from mundane life things well... it comsumes and I'm tryna climb out but its one thing after the other.
I'm just gonna ignore my health issues for like 2 days and do whatever I want/ if that's possible/ if im not too sick...
I just want a fucking break from sickness. But it's not possible... I'm sick of being sick. Im sick of the guilt that comes with concerning people. Im tired of being something that needs so much care.
Tonight is the first night in like a year where I was about to cut all over me and not care.
Tonight I felt a drive within me to finally say goodbye to the word with hope still in my heart.
I just wanna scream but im too tired. I just wanna yell I'VE HAD ENOUGH. This week I'm kinda just over trying. Its like im drowning while tryna swim ams getting further from shore.
Im hoping I die in my sleep tbh. I'm feeling veryyyy weird? Tremors, tired/sleepy but in a brain fading kinda way and yee my heart is wack rn. My breath feels slow. But this is probs just actual sleepiness.
Anyway that's where I am at rn.
If something is fatal I'd like to just take the easy wsy out and ignore it till I die but I also really wanna live too.
That's what I'm coming to terms with. I want death & life equally now. Which one will win/I choose. I dunno.
Today was triggering. Will probs barly sleep and again I don't have energy to care rn. Im over it for now.
my.clevelandclinic.org
