Venting I'm tired of trying

[LogicalConclusion]

Sure, things have "gotten better," but I still want to die. I still can't take care of myself on my own. And I'm worried that my psychiatrist's office is going to try and force me into another Group Adult Foster Care program even though I don't want strangers in my house after what's happened all the other times. Plus I don't need someone here everyday and have to make up excuses when I finally ctb. When I saw my psych today I told her all the reasons I want to ctb (not telling her that part though) and explaining how I'm doing everything I know to do and am not able to get help. Here's where this gets fucking dumb:

I tried going to a day group that did DBT and other therapy stuff. It was somewhat helpful, but it was 45min away. Then there's dealing with the insurance transportation. So you can safely assume that it would be 1-1.5hrs there, and the same back. That's already 3hrs of my day gone, then three groups to maintain active status in the program, so we'll call that 4hrs. And I already can't take care of house stuff, so adding 7hrs of stuff 5 days a week, and then having my home health aide who is supposed to come every day for an hour...not possible. Also, none of this accounts for psychiatry, doctor or therapist appts. So I had to drop the program. It's the closest group of that type and based on my needs, it's already impossible.

My psychiatrist and I have agreed some time ago that my meds are as good as they're gonna get, that I need therapy. Well, last week my therapist said he can't help me (if you've read my posts before, you probably know this already, sorry) and I need a trauma specialist. Putting aside the fact that I thought he was one, how in the fuck am I gonna find a trauma specialist who is familiar with autism, trans and gay issues, and cult psychology? I'm not. And it's not like I can just pick up and move. I'm on disability and it took me a year and a half just to get into subsidized housing. I would have closer access to specialists if I lived in Boston or the surrounding area, but 1. it would be a bitch to find someone that takes state insurance and doesn't have a 9mo+ waiting list and 2. living in Boston is more expensive, so not only would I be less able to afford to live, I wouldn't be able to afford the help I need.

This is fucking stupid. I am done. And I am angry because I know that if it becomes apparent that I'm not trying anymore, that I'm just going through the motions, professionals with get angry at me and dismiss me for "not trying hard enough." Like holy fuck, do they have even one iota of a clue how goddamn difficult this shit is? But if you're desperately seeking help, you're seen as "attention-seeking" and disregarded with disgust. Can't even win no matter what I do, so what's the fucking point? Sorry, I just wanted to get this out of my head and into a place where people actually get it.

 

[Partial-Elf]

Sure, things have "gotten better," but I still want to die. I still can't take care of myself on my own. And I'm worried that my psychiatrist's office is going to try and force me into another Group Adult Foster Care program even though I don't want strangers in my house after what's happened all the other times. Plus I don't need someone here everyday and have to make up excuses when I finally ctb. When I saw my psych today I told her all the reasons I want to ctb (not telling her that part though) and explaining how I'm doing everything I know to do and am not able to get help. Here's where this gets fucking dumb:

I tried going to a day group that did DBT and other therapy stuff. It was somewhat helpful, but it was 45min away. Then there's dealing with the insurance transportation. So you can safely assume that it would be 1-1.5hrs there, and the same back. That's already 3hrs of my day gone, then three groups to maintain active status in the program, so we'll call that 4hrs. And I already can't take care of house stuff, so adding 7hrs of stuff 5 days a week, and then having my home health aide who is supposed to come every day for an hour...not possible. Also, none of this accounts for psychiatry, doctor or therapist appts. So I had to drop the program. It's the closest group of that type and based on my needs, it's already impossible.

My psychiatrist and I have agreed some time ago that my meds are as good as they're gonna get, that I need therapy. Well, last week my therapist said he can't help me (if you've read my posts before, you probably know this already, sorry) and I need a trauma specialist. Putting aside the fact that I thought he was one, how in the fuck am I gonna find a trauma specialist who is familiar with autism, trans and gay issues, and cult psychology? I'm not. And it's not like I can just pick up and move. I'm on disability and it took me a year and a half just to get into subsidized housing. I would have closer access to specialists if I lived in Boston or the surrounding area, but 1. it would be a bitch to find someone that takes state insurance and doesn't have a 9mo+ waiting list and 2. living in Boston is more expensive, so not only would I be less able to afford to live, I wouldn't be able to afford the help I need.

This is fucking stupid. I am done. And I am angry because I know that if it becomes apparent that I'm not trying anymore, that I'm just going through the motions, professionals with get angry at me and dismiss me for "not trying hard enough." Like holy fuck, do they have even one iota of a clue how goddamn difficult this shit is? But if you're desperately seeking help, you're seen as "attention-seeking" and disregarded with disgust. Can't even win no matter what I do, so what's the fucking point? Sorry, I just wanted to get this out of my head and into a place where people actually get it.

Thanks for writing this out, you do a great job highlighting the brokenness, inequality, and hypocrisy in our healthcare and mental healthcare systems. I wonder how many million Americans are getting such inadequate care?

 

[LogicalConclusion]

I wonder how many million Americans are getting such inadequate care?

Probably a lot more than society would ever be willing to admit. I really hope there's some kind of tremendous leap in treatment options and general knowledge so people don't have to suffer like this

 

[Rukia]

I need a trauma specialist. Putting aside the fact that I thought he was one, how in the fuck am I gonna find a trauma specialist who is familiar with autism, trans and gay issues, and cult psychology?

Maybe it will be a good idea to take ona problem at a time? So for now just trauma specialist familiar with lets say autism ...

 

[LogicalConclusion]

Maybe it will be a good idea to take ona problem at a time? So for now just trauma specialist familiar with lets say autism ...

I hear you, but I think that it's imperative that they understand these things on a basic level and are able to see all of the pieces so I don't get misdiagnosed and further mistreated/abused. For example, being afab (assigned female at birth) and having the symptoms I've had since I was 10 or 11 (cutting, suicide attempts, depression) and the way my mom twisted everything, I was diagnosed with borderline PD. I think the stigma may have lessened some, but even 10yrs ago it was something where professionals would make jokes like:
"What should I do if I have a patient with borderline PD?"
"Run the other way as fast as you can."
Putting aside the fact that you can't diagnose someone with a personality disorder until at least the age of 18...girls/women with autism are very, very often misdiagnosed with borderline PD. It's unfair, it's ridiculous, but it just is. But I was mistreated SO badly that I had to fight my way out and move a thousand miles away just to get away from that diagnosis so I could get an actual evaluation. So if I found a trauma specialist who didn't see the intersectionality of these issues, I could get that same diagnosis because they don't understand the motivations/triggers for behaviors in me. Then throw in the lack of knowledge about cults...Well, when I first got out of it all and when I was eventually hospitalized, they diagnosed me as being paranoid. Because of my post-cult symptoms. This is incredibly common, and many people are diagnosed with schizophrenia from it, too. It is tremendously difficult to have to seek treatment from people that you have to teach about the power dynamics of such relationships/situations as well as how thought reform works. If you can even get them to believe you. One doctor in training (regular doctor, not psychiatric) thought the cult leader was a hallucination and I had to adamantly persist that I could bring someone in who has met him. In the end, you're pretty much treating yourself unless you can pay hundreds of dollars an hour for a legitimate expert.

Sorry if this is somewhat scattered, my brain is very tired and I think I will try to rest finally x)