BitterlyAlive
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- Apr 8, 2020
- 1,635
I've had dysthymia for most of my life, with episodes of major depression sprinkled in to spice things up. I've managed to hide it; when I've told those close to me that I have depression they're usually surprised. I handled it pretty well for the most part - even had a 4.0 in high school and college, if anything because I was so anxious about school that it was all I could focus on. I hated school so much.
It's been a few months since I've graduated from college. I've been dealing with this episode of double depression for about 7 months now. I got off my lazy bum and talked to a doctor about it and was told that this episode is "severe". I finally told my parents about the depression, and they didn't believe me. They said I wasn't depressed and that they struggled when they were my age too. I don't know what I expected, because they are simply not able to be there emotionally. Guess I was desperate.
It's gotten so bad, I talked to my friends about my potential suicide. I want them to understand it may happen in the future and that it's not their fault, there's nothing more they could have done. I've been wanting to die since I was a child. At times the suicidal ideation has definitely been more active than passive, not that I've told anyone. I've been browsing this website on and off for a few years now, let's just say that.
However, I still have to keep up appearances. I got back on medication and am cycling through them again. They're not helping yet. One professional wants to try adding an antipsychotic, another urges me to try TMS due to my lengthy history, I've been talked to about partial hospitalization... I'm being pulled in too many directions. I still have a job somehow despite the pandemic and almost being let go (calling in a lot). There's...some stability. It helps that this isn't my first rodeo with double depression. If I had just started having episodes within the last year or so, I almost certainly would have attempted suicide. Although I may have attempted in the past. I'm still not sure what happened, and I don't want to talk to anyone about it.
I wish I could just give up. I'm tired of fighting this monster. There's no point, because it will continue to come back and gets worse every time. Even when the major depression has lifted, I still have to deal with chronic depression. I'm miserable. I will never find happiness. I'm a burden on the people around me, and they would be better off if I was out of their lives. I really wish I was strong enough to just kill myself already. But the pandemic and my life circumstances make my preferred methods impossible.
I'm really sorry if this comes across as whiny or self-righteous. I don't mean to be that way. I was afraid to post here, but I did in hopes that someone out here could emphasize.
It's been a few months since I've graduated from college. I've been dealing with this episode of double depression for about 7 months now. I got off my lazy bum and talked to a doctor about it and was told that this episode is "severe". I finally told my parents about the depression, and they didn't believe me. They said I wasn't depressed and that they struggled when they were my age too. I don't know what I expected, because they are simply not able to be there emotionally. Guess I was desperate.
It's gotten so bad, I talked to my friends about my potential suicide. I want them to understand it may happen in the future and that it's not their fault, there's nothing more they could have done. I've been wanting to die since I was a child. At times the suicidal ideation has definitely been more active than passive, not that I've told anyone. I've been browsing this website on and off for a few years now, let's just say that.
However, I still have to keep up appearances. I got back on medication and am cycling through them again. They're not helping yet. One professional wants to try adding an antipsychotic, another urges me to try TMS due to my lengthy history, I've been talked to about partial hospitalization... I'm being pulled in too many directions. I still have a job somehow despite the pandemic and almost being let go (calling in a lot). There's...some stability. It helps that this isn't my first rodeo with double depression. If I had just started having episodes within the last year or so, I almost certainly would have attempted suicide. Although I may have attempted in the past. I'm still not sure what happened, and I don't want to talk to anyone about it.
I wish I could just give up. I'm tired of fighting this monster. There's no point, because it will continue to come back and gets worse every time. Even when the major depression has lifted, I still have to deal with chronic depression. I'm miserable. I will never find happiness. I'm a burden on the people around me, and they would be better off if I was out of their lives. I really wish I was strong enough to just kill myself already. But the pandemic and my life circumstances make my preferred methods impossible.
I'm really sorry if this comes across as whiny or self-righteous. I don't mean to be that way. I was afraid to post here, but I did in hopes that someone out here could emphasize.
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