every day is up and down. one day i will be alright, i will be talking of the future and actively preparing (packing for college, researching my school, reaching out to my roommates). i will be talking to my boyfriend about all that we can do together now and later. i will love my parents and enjoy spending time with them.
then suddenly, in a matter of hours to days, i will be on here researching all methods. writing my letters to everyone, nearly 6 pages- counting - each for 5 people, and a memoir recounting my story since i was 12 as a big document of explanation, at 100 pages and counting.
all that my boyfriend and i talked about would feel fake - because there isn't very good feasibility. because of my parents - who control every aspect of my life and refuse that they do by telling me "its my choice" but giving me ultimatums and passive aggressive threats. making me promise them to leave my partner if they wish that i do. making me promise that i will do everything they say because they know it is the best for me. calling me crazy when i show emotion, invalidating my suicide attempts, looking at me in disgust when i am in pain, crying, begging them to listen to me, then laughing at me and taking pictures and videos to humiliate me.
my boyfriend sounding distant and sick of all my drama, which he tells me is exhausting and gets too much. telling me my parents get too much in the way of us and that he doesn't understand why it keeps happening. that our relationship is basically in my hands. and i dont know how to fix it and i am too afraid to but he tells me how but i am scared
then somehow, my boyfriend tells me he loves me and we talk of the immediate future once again, where we can hold hands and spend time together. and i feel alright. my parents don't yell at me for that day and i feel alright.
but there is still an underlying anxiety telling me, it may be ok now, but what about later? you will feel suicidal again. you will go back to writing that shit again because never was there a time you stayed in that moment of being alright for longer than a few days. what about when your parents get in your way again? humiliate you? invalidate you? control you? guilt you? when you upset your boyfriend again? how about in the long term, how are you going to escape?
it's a cycle i can't escape.
in the end suicide has become my coping method. if things get too hard, there's a way out. it's okay if things get unbearably hard. you can get out. forever.
thinking of that, comforts me. like i'll take whatever life throws at me because, no matter what happens i have that choice.
some amount of control i never had in my life. it's comforting to know that MY life is in MY own hands.
then suddenly, in a matter of hours to days, i will be on here researching all methods. writing my letters to everyone, nearly 6 pages- counting - each for 5 people, and a memoir recounting my story since i was 12 as a big document of explanation, at 100 pages and counting.
all that my boyfriend and i talked about would feel fake - because there isn't very good feasibility. because of my parents - who control every aspect of my life and refuse that they do by telling me "its my choice" but giving me ultimatums and passive aggressive threats. making me promise them to leave my partner if they wish that i do. making me promise that i will do everything they say because they know it is the best for me. calling me crazy when i show emotion, invalidating my suicide attempts, looking at me in disgust when i am in pain, crying, begging them to listen to me, then laughing at me and taking pictures and videos to humiliate me.
my boyfriend sounding distant and sick of all my drama, which he tells me is exhausting and gets too much. telling me my parents get too much in the way of us and that he doesn't understand why it keeps happening. that our relationship is basically in my hands. and i dont know how to fix it and i am too afraid to but he tells me how but i am scared
then somehow, my boyfriend tells me he loves me and we talk of the immediate future once again, where we can hold hands and spend time together. and i feel alright. my parents don't yell at me for that day and i feel alright.
but there is still an underlying anxiety telling me, it may be ok now, but what about later? you will feel suicidal again. you will go back to writing that shit again because never was there a time you stayed in that moment of being alright for longer than a few days. what about when your parents get in your way again? humiliate you? invalidate you? control you? guilt you? when you upset your boyfriend again? how about in the long term, how are you going to escape?
it's a cycle i can't escape.
in the end suicide has become my coping method. if things get too hard, there's a way out. it's okay if things get unbearably hard. you can get out. forever.
thinking of that, comforts me. like i'll take whatever life throws at me because, no matter what happens i have that choice.
some amount of control i never had in my life. it's comforting to know that MY life is in MY own hands.
Last edited:
