Venting I’m tired of being single

[tj3333]

The only thing really keeping me alive is the idea that some day I'll get to experience real love and marriage to someone I respect and look up to, that I'm compatible with who makes me happy. I'm 26 years old and I've only had two one month long relationships that ended in disaster because I have BPD. I sound like a broken record to my friends who are tired of hearing me complain, but it's all I can think about and it's all I want. I live in a rich college town where I have to see people whose lives are better than mine, who are more attractive than me, find love because they get to be what society has told them to be and they'll happily conform with a smile on their stupid faces. Today, I had both a stranger and my friend basically tell me it's my fault that I'm single, that I don't give anybody a chance and settle for someone I don't want, and my friend told me I should just wear tighter clothes and talk to more men.
I'm so sick of the fact that men need a woman who fits perfectly into bullshit standards and only look and dress the one type of way women are allowed to look. Women are accessories that serve to make men look worthwhile to other men and that's all we exist to do and I fucking refuse. But because I won't play this stupid game, my only options are to settle for someone who makes me feel like I could do better or just be single for the rest of my piece of shit life and this will honestly be what pushes me over the edge. If I have to spend the rest of my 20s into my 30s single and having one night stands with losers who ghost me, I will definitely start planning out my suicide. Today I gave myself until the age of 40 to wait it out before I commit suicide if I'm still single or if I'm in an unhappy relationship. That way, my family will have enough time with me, it'll be before I start to deteriorate, and I'll have basically lived enough life at that point (I have a hard time doing basic things to take care of my body because I'm so depressed all the time so it's not like things are going to get better).
I want two things in life: I want a man by my side and I want to be a serious artist who is respected by other serious artists. I'm not close to where I want to be in either regard and I'm not getting younger. I'm listless and going nowhere fast, and I feel it every day. All I do is daydream my life away because I have no idea how to get the life that I dream of and I know that if it passes me by and I wake up and I'm 40 and my life is fucking boring and dull and I'm all alone, I'll know then that it's my time to CTB. I'm tired of being alone and cutting to get by. I'm too old for this.

 

[summers]

@tj3333 you can absolutely have true love without marriage. Actually, that love may be even truer since there is nothing holding you together except your love for one another. Also, if you start talking about marriage way too early on in dating, most dudes are going to ghost you.

And your friends are wrong - there is 0 reason for you to settle. You'll know when you find the right person.

 

[bigfishlittlefish]

The only thing really keeping me alive is the idea that some day I'll get to experience real love and marriage to someone I respect and look up to, that I'm compatible with who makes me happy. I'm 26 years old and I've only had two one month long relationships that ended in disaster because I have BPD. I sound like a broken record to my friends who are tired of hearing me complain, but it's all I can think about and it's all I want. I live in a rich college town where I have to see people whose lives are better than mine, who are more attractive than me, find love because they get to be what society has told them to be and they'll happily conform with a smile on their stupid faces. Today, I had both a stranger and my friend basically tell me it's my fault that I'm single, that I don't give anybody a chance and settle for someone I don't want, and my friend told me I should just wear tighter clothes and talk to more men.
I'm so sick of the fact that men need a woman who fits perfectly into bullshit standards and only look and dress the one type of way women are allowed to look. Women are accessories that serve to make men look worthwhile to other men and that's all we exist to do and I fucking refuse. But because I won't play this stupid game, my only options are to settle for someone who makes me feel like I could do better or just be single for the rest of my piece of shit life and this will honestly be what pushes me over the edge. If I have to spend the rest of my 20s into my 30s single and having one night stands with losers who ghost me, I will definitely start planning out my suicide. Today I gave myself until the age of 40 to wait it out before I commit suicide if I'm still single or if I'm in an unhappy relationship. That way, my family will have enough time with me, it'll be before I start to deteriorate, and I'll have basically lived enough life at that point (I have a hard time doing basic things to take care of my body because I'm so depressed all the time so it's not like things are going to get better).
I want two things in life: I want a man by my side and I want to be a serious artist who is respected by other serious artists. I'm not close to where I want to be in either regard and I'm not getting younger. I'm listless and going nowhere fast, and I feel it every day. All I do is daydream my life away because I have no idea how to get the life that I dream of and I know that if it passes me by and I wake up and I'm 40 and my life is fucking boring and dull and I'm all alone, I'll know then that it's my time to CTB. I'm tired of being alone and cutting to get by. I'm too old for this.

I didn't find the love of my life until after I was divorced, at 36. He was the single best thing that ever happened to me and we were together but not married. Also, if you're physically healthy, there's really no reason why you would be 'deteriorated' much at the age of 40 - that's pretty young nowadays! I'm 40 currently and if I didn't have my disabilities would be in a pretty decent state physically. Sadly, that's not the case.

 

[summers]

I didn't find the love of my life until after I was divorced, at 36. He was the single best thing that ever happened to me and we were together but not married. Also, if you're physically healthy, there's really no reason why you would be 'deteriorated' much at the age of 40 - that's pretty young nowadays! I'm 40 currently and if I didn't have my disabilities would be in a pretty decent state physically. Sadly, that's not the case.

At 40, I'm in the best shape of my life. Exactly the reason I'm going to ctb soon :)

 

[LittleBlackCat]

I've given myself until 40 too, although it's not that far away……
To be honest I'll probably go sooner. The ghosting you mention, that's what I can't handle.

I didn't find the love of my life until after I was divorced, at 36. He was the single best thing that ever happened to me and we were together but not married. Also, if you're physically healthy, there's really no reason why you would be 'deteriorated' much at the age of 40 - that's pretty young nowadays! I'm 40 currently and if I didn't have my disabilities would be in a pretty decent state physically. Sadly, that's not the case.

This is very positive

 

[summers]

I've given myself until 40 too, although it's not that far away……
To be honest I'll probably go sooner. The ghosting you mention, that's what I can't handle.

It's definitely bullshit when someone ghosts you if you've been honest with them. When you tell someone you're looking for something serious/committed, and they just want a hookup or fwb's - they should be honest. Instead, most guys are pieces of shit, and will hang around long enough to get laid then disappear. Sorry you had to deal with that.

Although, even though I have always been 100% forthcoming with what I was looking for in a relationship (often fwb's), there have been times when the person I was with wanted it to turn into more. I had to break things off at this point. I felt that by allowing anything to continue, I would be sending mixed messages.

 

[tj3333]

I've given myself until 40 too, although it's not that far away……
To be honest I'll probably go sooner. The ghosting you mention, that's what I can't handle.

This is very positive

Ghosting is hard. Watching people who are younger, whose lives are and always will be patently better than mine get to be in relationships because of the way they were born and what they look like triggers my SI badly. I work with the public every day and I have to leave work often because of feeling triggered and exhausted and I have to go to the bathroom and cry after seeing these people. I've had a meeting with my boss already about my poor work performance and it's directly related to this, it's literally affecting every aspect of my life and I just feel so hurt and let down by the way that my life is going and how lonely I feel.

 

[112]

I am very lonely myself at 25. I have always wanted a family but do not know if it is a possibility.

I'm smart and present well for someone with autism (have been told I have an extraordinary mask), but I do have disabilities that make socializing hard, finding relationships challenging and life difficult.

I would love to be a homemaker and take care of the house and errands as best I can, contributing. I am hesitant to seek out relationships for a number of reasons, but for a long time a big reason has been that I figure I would just turn my partners into caregivers. Like, I can't really survive/live independently from help/supports; how is that attractive to someone? I am making efforts to improve myself and my situation, but it really feels that I'll just never be at a point where everything will work.

I have had some relationships and flings in the past, but I identify them as quite traumatic in ways as well. A couple of years ago I thought I found 'the one' - had never felt that way about anyone previously. But it was a difficult time, the circumstances of the relationship were funky, it ended, they're not even on the continent any longer and I still can't get over it.

 

[summers]

I am very lonely myself at 25. I have always wanted a family but do not know if it is a possibility.

I'm smart and present well for someone with autism (have been told I have an extraordinary mask), but I do have disabilities that make socializing hard, finding relationships challenging and life difficult.

I would love to be a homemaker and take care of the house and errands as best I can, contributing. I am hesitant to seek out relationships for a number of reasons, but for a long time a big reason has been that I figure I would just turn my partners into caregivers. Like, I can't really survive/live independently from help/supports; how is that attractive to someone? I am making efforts to improve myself and my situation, but it really feels that I'll just never be at a point where everything will work.

I have had some relationships and flings in the past, but I identify them as quite traumatic in ways as well. A couple of years ago I thought I found 'the one' - had never felt that way about anyone previously. But it was a difficult time, the circumstances of the relationship were funky, it ended, they're not even on the continent any longer and I still can't get over it.

The right person will help you become more independent. I hope you meet someone who sees the good and potential in you.

 

[112]

The right person will help you become more independent. I hope you meet someone who sees the good and potential in you.

Thank you. :) It would make me very happy.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I am sorry you are going through this. If its any consolation know that you are not alone and there are many of us here on the same boat. Dating is hard, finding real connection is even harder. Try not to beat yourself about it because luck has most to do with it like you said having the right genes, enviroment etc. it is just the cruel cold facts of how life works nowadays. I wish you the best

 

[tj3333]

I don't want to see other people happy anymore

 

[Snake of Eden]

I don't want to see other people happy anymore

I totally understand. I was that way for most part and still am to some extent I just feel too removed to even consider or have little hope that I will be getting something out of this. It is ok to feel that way. Your feelings are valid and dont need justification even if they are. We are not less than other happy people out there just because we are deprived of our own share of good things in life. We are happy to have you her in this big family of misfits and life outcasts.

 

[Julgran]

Relationships seem to be a thing of the distant past - only a few of us do get one, and those who do, they just sleep around and take advantage of people. Of course, this is a generalization, but the lesson here is to find contentment in your solitude, which can be hard.

If you flip the gender arrangements, you will see that those people see a relationship with you as "settling down".

 

[its-about-time]

When we feel this way about ourselves, it's easy to latch onto the idea of a savior. In reality nobody can change how we feel about ourselves but us. I know these experiences has fed your core beliefs about yourself, but they aren't the answer. I have experienced the most wonderful unconditional love possible and it didn't change how I felt about myself. If anything, I found I was unable to accept that love from another. The solution is in YOU, not in a relationship. I know how impossible that feels. I wish the best for you.

 

[Mtnwildflowers]

The only thing really keeping me alive is the idea that some day I'll get to experience real love and marriage to someone I respect and look up to, that I'm compatible with who makes me happy. I'm 26 years old and I've only had two one month long relationships that ended in disaster because I have BPD. I sound like a broken record to my friends who are tired of hearing me complain, but it's all I can think about and it's all I want. I live in a rich college town where I have to see people whose lives are better than mine, who are more attractive than me, find love because they get to be what society has told them to be and they'll happily conform with a smile on their stupid faces. Today, I had both a stranger and my friend basically tell me it's my fault that I'm single, that I don't give anybody a chance and settle for someone I don't want, and my friend told me I should just wear tighter clothes and talk to more men.
I'm so sick of the fact that men need a woman who fits perfectly into bullshit standards and only look and dress the one type of way women are allowed to look. Women are accessories that serve to make men look worthwhile to other men and that's all we exist to do and I fucking refuse. But because I won't play this stupid game, my only options are to settle for someone who makes me feel like I could do better or just be single for the rest of my piece of shit life and this will honestly be what pushes me over the edge. If I have to spend the rest of my 20s into my 30s single and having one night stands with losers who ghost me, I will definitely start planning out my suicide. Today I gave myself until the age of 40 to wait it out before I commit suicide if I'm still single or if I'm in an unhappy relationship. That way, my family will have enough time with me, it'll be before I start to deteriorate, and I'll have basically lived enough life at that point (I have a hard time doing basic things to take care of my body because I'm so depressed all the time so it's not like things are going to get better).
I want two things in life: I want a man by my side and I want to be a serious artist who is respected by other serious artists. I'm not close to where I want to be in either regard and I'm not getting younger. I'm listless and going nowhere fast, and I feel it every day. All I do is daydream my life away because I have no idea how to get the life that I dream of and I know that if it passes me by and I wake up and I'm 40 and my life is fucking boring and dull and I'm all alone, I'll know then that it's my time to CTB. I'm tired of being alone and cutting to get by. I'm too old for this.

Sorry but being in a relationship won't make this better look elsewhere if you're still in the hope category

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

Ghosting is hard. Watching people who are younger, whose lives are and always will be patently better than mine get to be in relationships because of the way they were born and what they look like triggers my SI badly. I work with the public every day and I have to leave work often because of feeling triggered and exhausted and I have to go to the bathroom and cry after seeing these people. I've had a meeting with my boss already about my poor work performance and it's directly related to this, it's literally affecting every aspect of my life and I just feel so hurt and let down by the way that my life is going and how lonely I feel.

I totally understand how you feel because I feel the same way. But before we can be in a relationship we have to be okay with ourselves first. Maybe if you don't feel good in your current job you could consider changing job. You are not alone, we are here for you, you can count on our support and if you ever need to talk you can send me PM.