I'm tired and I can't keep dragging my Family down

[OpehilaNoMore27]

I've been depressed for 20 years (since childhood) and my family does not hide the fact that they are tired of all the struggling on my end with suicidal ideations/plans. I feel trapped because I can see it eroding all of my family relationships, and yet they have told me how much they would hate me if I went through with a plan. I can't stand to watch the monster that is me destroy the ones I love. I feel an animalistic hunger for happiness because I feel so deprived of it. It's making me go feral with rage. My sister told me today that I am determined to be unhappy, to be this monster I have become. I think she is right. I can't go back now. It's really too late for me and it breaks my heart. I've tried therapy for 7 years, I'm on 4 different medications. They can't stop the monster that is me. That will always be me. I just really wish things could have been different. I love my family more than I love being around with them. To them it's selfish, but to me it shows my love for them and the peace I will finally feel after so many years of suffering dark intrusive thoughts.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really horrible and tiring what you've had to go through but I hope that you eventually find the peace you are searching for. To me there certainly is no relief from suffering in this cruel world.

 

[Huntfish34]

I'm sorry you are dealing with all of that, I can relate to a degree. Love my family very much as well but the longer I'm around them I feel my sanity slipping further and further away into a pit of darkness. =/ I fckn hate it.

I wish you Nothing but the best in whatever may happen, thoughts and prayers. -