Aren't you afraid the plan will go awry somehow and you might end up in the hospital? I know you want to suffer but having long-term liver and kidney damage may not be the way to go. I think all of us can say we are heartbroken for you.
Are you still planning on going through with your commitments today? I don't know how you've done it so far, when I don't feel good I don't want to do anything and you've been suffering so much.
I've been at this for months. I have a knack for avoiding hospitals even when things have gotten pretty bad. So unless I was found unconscious I will not be going. And if that happens then that's a bridge I'd cross when I get there. I know liver or kidney damage wouldn't kill me, at least not at a tolerable rate, but anything that will wear my body down and get me one step closer to death is something I want to do. I do not fear pain. I am a severe self harmer and have been for a long time. My pain tolerance is very high and any pain I feel is rationalized by a belief that I deserve it.
I do still plan on going to my commitments today. As I said, I'm a severe self harmer, if I canceled every time I didn't feel good I wouldn't have anything left. I wish I could cancel all of my obligations and stay at home 24/7 until I die. Unfortunately I have too many people who care about me and would notice my absence. Especially with my mental health history, they would catch on and likely find a way to get the courts to send me to the hospital or something of the sort. What Id give to be able to slip away into nothingness. Instead I've learned how to carry on despite feeling unwell all the time.
My sleep has been bad for awhile now but seems to be getting worse. I've woken up throughout the middle of the night for over a year now, but it used to be that I'd go right back to sleep. Nowadays it seems that any sleep I get is usually in short 1-3 hour increments before waking up for at least a half hour before falling back asleep, if I'm able to fall back asleep at all. I wish I had the other end of the spectrum, the sleeping too much type of depression. The ever worsening quality of sleep is only worsening my state of mind. I've had problems with this in the past and they trialed me on just about every sleeping med available that wasn't a benzo and none of them did anything for me. Benadryl used to work but nowadays it just makes me drowsy enough to fall asleep for an hour or so before I wake back up. So I'm SOL. If I can't sleep there's nothing I can do but wait for my mind to get too tired to fight it.
