Venting I’m thinking about killing myself but I just can’t do it

[goddaydog]

The thoughts get worse and worse everyday and my life sucks, it always did ever since I was a little kid.
I'm doing therapy but it's not solving much, i'm drowning on meds but they don't do anything at all no matter how many I take at once. I think I just don't kill myself because of my mom, and my pets, and my hyperfixations, but it's been hard waking up everyday and feeling guilt and regret.
I hurt many people, I regret many decisions, I hate a lot of things, and a lot of problems just can't get out of my head.
I hate my dad for killing my dogs. I hate my dad for cheating on my mom. I hate my dad for ruining my life. And i hate his wife for getting a baby and ruining everything. I'm happy my dad is out of my life. My stepdad is an amazing man. My mom is nice even though we fight a lot, she's trying her best. And i am trying my best but no one sees it. I hate my life and I hate everything. My best friends hate me behind my back or do many things behind my back and at this point i don't know who to trust. I hate everything and I hate everyone and I just wish I had someone to love me.
I had that at one point and now I just let it slip away, everything around me is crumbling, and I hate it. I wish I could just die. I wanna die, I wanna die so fucking bad but I just can't. Because if I do it will cause my mom more problems than she already had. Because if I do my pets are gonna miss me. Because if I do I won't be able to enjoy the only things I love which are my fixations.
but I hate my life so much because nobody fucking loves me anymore and it's my fault. It's MY fault and only mine.

I will try to do it tonight, idk if i'll be successful, in the end i'm just a scared fucker.

 

[The anhedonic one]

So sorry you have been through this. People create so much unnecessary suffering for others.
Your dad sounds like an absolute monster and I'm glad He is no longer in your life.
It's good that you have a stepfather now who is a good man.
Your friends sound toxic, and you don't deserve to be treated like this. There is no need for it.
Staying behind for your Mom must be incredibly difficult and exhausting.
Life is torture for many of us here.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

Ctb is a very personal decision and also sorry but what best friends does and say bad things behind your back. Let me correct you there it should be "Enemies once disguised as best friends" and what did you do them for them hate you behind your back? Why is it your fault that you are hating yourself?? And one more advice you can't trust anyone except yourself because people that always end up betraying or hurting you would have been those ones that you used to be close to. What decisions that you did that you regretted???

Take it from me, if you have relationship or personal issues it's better to address it with your partner or a therapist if they are deep issues or even go to an online forum to ask for advice there anonymously as no one can or use anything against you in the future. There is a lot of online forums that actually give really good advice about anything. This way it's better to be safe than sorry, funnily enough I have had strangers give me the most sound advice ( on the street) you can tell them exactly how you feel without being judged or ever them using anything against you because you will never meet them again.

I wish you all the best with everything that you are going to do in the future be it ctb or living for your mum.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. What's your method?

 

[goddaydog]

Ctb is a very personal decision and also sorry but what best friends does and say bad things behind your back. Let me correct you there it should be "Enemies once disguised as best friends" and what did you do them for them hate you behind your back? Why is it your fault that you are hating yourself?? And one more advice you can't trust anyone except yourself because people that always end up betraying or hurting you would have been those ones that you used to be close to. What decisions that you did that you regretted???

Take it from me, if you have relationship or personal issues it's better to address it with your partner or a therapist if they are deep issues or even go to an online forum to ask for advice there anonymously as no one can or use anything against you in the future. There is a lot of online forums that actually give really good advice about anything. This way it's better to be sorry than safe, funnily enough I have had strangers give me the most sound advice ( on the street) you can tell them exactly how you feel without being judged or ever them using anything against you because you will never meet them again.

I wish you all the best with everything that you are going to do in the future be it ctb or living for your mum.

Long story. I had an ex back in august 2022, he was great but we broke up, mental issues for both of us. I ended up dating another person 2 weeks after we broke up, because I have issues saying "no". And he got upset, with reason, I know how much I fucked up, and I wish I didn't. That "friend" of mine was friends with me and my ex. They ended up liking my ex after we broke up and I was okay with that, after all we had nothing anymore. They started saying shit behind my back to my ex, and i found out. We had a talk and they said they wouldn't do it again, I didn't believe them but I went with it because i'm codependent on them. They started talking to my ex again behind my back, told them not to, they promised me again. They did it again, and did it again just a week ago. I'm an idiot for still talking to that "friend", but i can't help since they're the ONLY friend I have.

It fucks me up bad and I don't know how to feel. I don't know what i'll do yet. I wanna ctb but I'm not that brave. I'll try to attempt.

 

[goddaydog]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. What's your method?

I'm not sure yet. I don't wanna do anything too painful, I like pain but sometimes I can't handle it. I just wanna run off to the woods nearby my house and I wanna try to ctb there, not sure what method yet but as fast and painless as possible.

So sorry you have been through this. People create so much unnecessary suffering for others.
Your dad sounds like an absolute monster and I'm glad He is no longer in your life.
It's good that you have a stepfather now who is a good man.
Your friends sound toxic, and you don't deserve to be treated like this. There is no need for it.
Staying behind for your Mom must be incredibly difficult and exhausting.
Life is torture for many of us here.

Thank you, i really hate that friend of mine but it's the only friend I have unfortunately

 

[forced2live]

same

 

[jonghyun]

I thought a lot about what i could say in reply to your words but in the end came up with nothing except "same". I want to end it for mostly the same reasons, and I don't want to end it, for the same reasons too. I hope its a comfort in knowing you aren't the only one feeling this way. Its not unlike a constant state of purgatory...

 

[goddaydog]

I thought a lot about what i could say in reply to your words but in the end came up with nothing except "same". I want to end it for mostly the same reasons, and I don't want to end it, for the same reasons too. I hope its a comfort in knowing you aren't the only one feeling this way. Its not unlike a constant state of purgatory...

It's good to know i'm not alone, i'm glad we understand each other in those ways.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

Long story. I had an ex back in august 2022, he was great but we broke up, mental issues for both of us. I ended up dating another person 2 weeks after we broke up, because I have issues saying "no". And he got upset, with reason, I know how much I fucked up, and I wish I didn't. That "friend" of mine was friends with me and my ex. They ended up liking my ex after we broke up and I was okay with that, after all we had nothing anymore. They started saying shit behind my back to my ex, and i found out. We had a talk and they said they wouldn't do it again, I didn't believe them but I went with it because i'm codependent on them. They started talking to my ex again behind my back, told them not to, they promised me again. They did it again, and did it again just a week ago. I'm an idiot for still talking to that "friend", but i can't help since they're the ONLY friend I have.

It fucks me up bad and I don't know how to feel. I don't know what i'll do yet. I wanna ctb but I'm not that brave. I'll try to attempt.

Oh I understand the situation a bit better, oh you shouldn't be co-dependent on anyone especially friends but I have a few questions that I hope you can answer them.

How did you even find out that this "friend" was still talking to your ex?? I'm sorry but if they lied to you then it's fool on them not you…. And I wonder what exactly is the friend saying to your ex ?? What are they talking bad about you?? And also could it be that your ex lied about something to your friend so that might be the reason why he is acting this way??

However, I think you should try to focus on yourself and not on them.

As well as please only ctb if that's what you really want to do as I can't say much about that.

Just to add - I'm sorry but the person that you just mentioned doesn't sound like a friend to me.

 

[goddaydog]

Oh I understand the situation a bit better, oh you shouldn't be co-dependent on anyone especially friends but I have a few questions that I hope you can answer them.

How did you even find out that this "friend" was still talking to your ex?? I'm sorry but if they lied to you then it's fool on them not you…. And I wonder what exactly is the friend saying to your ex ?? What are they talking bad about you?? And also could it be that your ex lied about something to your friend so that might be the reason why he is acting this way??

However, I think you should try to focus on yourself and not on them.

As well as please only ctb if that's what you really want to do as I can't say much about that.

Just to add - I'm sorry but the person that you just mentioned doesn't sound like a friend to me.

I found out because me and my ex got another friend in common, I told this "friend" of mine (the fake one), not to talk to my ex, considering they said things behind my back, and they said they prefer me rather than my ex. Me and my ex's friend in common told me and showed me the situation (i trust that person bc they never lied to me and they will tell the truth bc they know if they lie gonna cause more problems). They showed me proof so I found out.
That "friend" was telling my ex personal things I have told them and every time my ex would say bad things about me, they would agree.
My ex hates me and i understand because I was the one that fucked up with him. And I don't mind that he hates me, it's deserved, but for someone that says they're my friend lie behind my back like this… idk how to feel
I just don't want them interacting with my ex at all because they already said personal stuff bout me to my ex so how am I supposed to trust them interacting w my ex at all yknow? Sorry if it's confusing the way I wrote, my head is a mess rn.

And I do wanna ctb but I'm just not brave, I will try

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing here certainly is so awful and dreadful, it's really understandable just wishing to be free from all the suffering. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I found out because me and my ex got another friend in common, I told this "friend" of mine (the fake one), not to talk to my ex, considering they said things behind my back, and they said they prefer me rather than my ex. Me and my ex's friend in common told me and showed me the situation (i trust that person bc they never lied to me and they will tell the truth bc they know if they lie gonna cause more problems). They showed me proof so I found out.
That "friend" was telling my ex personal things I have told them and every time my ex would say bad things about me, they would agree.
My ex hates me and i understand because I was the one that fucked up with him. And I don't mind that he hates me, it's deserved, but for someone that says they're my friend lie behind my back like this… idk how to feel
I just don't want them interacting with my ex at all because they already said personal stuff bout me to my ex so how am I supposed to trust them interacting w my ex at all yknow? Sorry if it's confusing the way I wrote, my head is a mess rn.

And I do wanna ctb but I'm just not brave, I will try

Oh I see what were the bad things being said about you to the ex by the friend?? And also it's quite strange to me how and why a friend would easily switch on a friend like that and is the common friend trust worthy ?? That showed you the evidence?? What sort of evidence was it ?? I will try to be a devil advocate here maybe the common friend might have a motive because they want you to fall out with your friend. I think you should listen to you gut as well as your gut feeling is mostly always right.

In my case I know someone that try to do this but sometimes it will be because they were stalking me so they knew exactly what I was saying to the person because they were able to listen to our conversation and it might not be how it seems. I'm only saying thing because I don't want you to end up losing your friend unless you are sure.

Did you and your friend had any problems prior to that ??

Edit - You said your ex hate you because you messed him up, what did you do to him ?

 

[saderaser]

Hey we've all made mistakes in life and we've all been hurt by somebody else. Please don't let your guilt drag you down. Let it go and be gentle with yourself just like how you want to be treated. I wish you all the best no matter where you are.

 

[goddaydog]

Oh I see what were the bad things being said about you to the ex by the friend?? And also it's quite strange to me how and why a friend would easily switch on a friend like that and is the common friend trust worthy ?? That showed you the evidence?? What sort of evidence was it ?? I will try to be a devil advocate here maybe the common friend might have a motive because they want you to fall out with your friend. I think you should listen to you gut as well as your gut feeling is mostly always right.

In my case I know someone that try to do this but sometimes it will be because they were stalking me so they knew exactly what I was saying to the person because they were able to listen to our conversation and it might not be how it seems. I'm only saying thing because I don't want you to end up losing your friend unless you are sure.

Did you and your friend had any problems prior to that ??

Edit - You said your ex hate you because you messed him up, what did you do to him ?

that friend in common didn't wanna create pointless drama but they knew if I found out before they told me stuff I would be mad at them and the "friend". So they told me before i could find out myself and everything turned into a bigger problem. It's okay, I trust them.

And that "friend" has issues confronting people, so they hid things from me because confront scares them. Even so, I don't understand why they'd do that to me… but they did that to other people before and their family so i kind of saw that coming.

After I broke up with my ex, I ended up dating another person 2 weeks after, even after I told my ex I wouldn't date anyone cuz my mental health was bad. I feel awful for that, all of that just because I don't know how to say no. I fucked up bad

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

that friend in common didn't wanna create pointless drama but they knew if I found out before they told me stuff I would be mad at them and the "friend". So they told me before i could find out myself and everything turned into a bigger problem. It's okay, I trust them.

And that "friend" has issues confronting people, so they hid things from me because confront scares them. Even so, I don't understand why they'd do that to me… but they did that to other people before and their family so i kind of saw that coming.

After I broke up with my ex, I ended up dating another person 2 weeks after, even after I told my ex I wouldn't date anyone cuz my mental health was bad. I feel awful for that, all of that just because I don't know how to say no. I fucked up bad

Sorry who do you trust the "friend" or the "mutual" friend?

What could they be scared of if you are friends - I believe if you are friends you should have open communication as this will solve a lot issues/problems. I'm a huge fan of crimes documentaries and upon watching them I realised most crimes are committed as a result of secrets,lies,deciept and revenge and these things that I mentioned are deadly.

If you know that your gut instinct is right, then you can just cut your losses and move on. Sometimes you can be your own best company.