I'm thinking about CTB, but I I feel ridiculous

[Notabadguy]

The thing is that I'm depressed, and feel ashamed. I had a government steady job in my hometown, where I can look after my parents, who are still not dependant. I went through some form of workplace harassment in that steady job, nothing that I coudn't deal with, but, at some point, due to anxiety, I fainted at home, broke my jaw and injured my facial nerve, so, now, as a result of that, the muscles of the right side of my face move out of control (it's called hemifacial spasm), which is embarrasing. Due to this, I took a transfer to another city, to do the same job in another office, so I didn't have to face the problems in my old workplace, I fled out of fear to faint again, which I don't think it's somethng a real adult does. I feel regreftul, and ashamed, for doing that. I broke my life at the age of 39 (I'm not an adventurous teengarer, or early young man). I have a mortgage in my hometown, my parents (who are the mainstays of my emotional life, due to I'm single) and my entire life. Nevertheless, I took a ridiculous transfer to another city, totally opposite to my interest, where I will have to pay rent (and I don't get paid tons), and I won't be able to see often my parentes, who I let down (we are a close family), too much.

As a result of that I'm depressed. I know that this story can sound ridiculous as a reason to CTB, but it's a world to me. I'm regretful and ashamed, and in the future I can be financially almost broke. I know that I did not only make a big mistake, but I behaved like a fifteen-year old. I'm fond of History, I know the stoics, they are advocates of suicide (not always, but in general) as a mean to get away of your problems, when you think they are unbearable. Maybe because of that, I find myself thinking about the possibility of CTB. But I wouldn't want pain nor possibility of survive, so, the only mean that occurs to me is N, but I read that it's very difficult to obtain.

What do you think about all this?

 

[PoisonedJuliet]

Depression isn't a pick and choose option for people. You didn't choose to get depressed and neither did I but here we are. I feel you in the fact that I too feel guilty and embarrassed and ashamed of being depressed. I grew up in a normal family with a normal life which makes me feel guilty of having depression because almost everyone has had it worse than me. You're not alone in your mindset and for the record a facial spasm shouldn't be something to be ashamed of. (I also have a facial tick and it's hella annoying)

 

[Lookingforabus]

What do you think about all this?

Not ridiculous at all. Financial stress, depression, visible medical issues, feelings of shame or feelings of failure are all significant suicide risks on their own. It's perfectly reasonable that you'd feel this way when you've got all that in combination.

 

[Soul]

@Notabadguy, I'm sorry you're struggling. None of what you've written is anything to be ashamed about, and a lot of it is stuff that's hard to come to terms with.

Have you had any counselling for your anxiety? Do you have any physiotherapy? Can you ask for a transfer back to your home town, without being put back in contact with whomever was harassing you? (Would you want that?)

Please be gentle with yourself. ((Hug))

 

[Notabadguy]

No, Soul, there is no way to get a transfer back for five years. And this is a lot to take. Right now I would't mind the harrassment, I can deal with it, but I fled out of fear to faint aways (this is not adult behaviour). And now I have more problems than before, because I'm in a worse position, and clinically depressed. I don't want to be hit by a train, but if could get accesss to N. that would be a horse of different colour.

 

[Deathbydemo]

You definitely have no reason to feel ridiculous. You have been through a lot, and your feelings and thoughts are as valid as anyone else's. Please ask yourself if you are 100% sure you want to end your life before doing anything impulsive. Thoughts are with you.

 

[Notabadguy]

Deathbydemo, the thing is that I would CTB if I would have access to N., or something similar (like a gun), but I find the rest of the methods violent, painful and unreliable.

 

[Deathbydemo]

Deathbydemo, the thing is that I would CTB if I would have access to N., or something similar (like a gun), but I find the rest of the methods violent, painful and unreliable.

I get you there. If I had a gun, or if guns were easily attainable here, I'd be out long ago. There are still very reliable methods to pass peacefully enough with careful research.

 

[Soul]

No, Soul, there is no way to get a transfer back for five years. And this is a lot to take. Right now I would't mind the harrassment, I can deal with it, but I fled out of fear to faint aways (this is not adult behaviour). And now I have more problems than before, because I'm in a worse position, and clinically depressed. I don't want to be hit by a train, but if could get accesss to N. that would be a horse of different colour.

Ok, five years is a long time. Are you seeing a therapist, though?

I'm puzzled that you say fainting "isn't adult". I've fainted as an adult; it's one way our organisms deal with anxiety. It's not a very safe way, which is why I keep asking about therapy, but it's not a reason to be embarrassed. x

 

[bpdandme]

I'm so sorry, it sounds like that must of been a whirlwind for you. Is there any chance you can transfer back? You shouldn't be embarrassed of something that happened in an accident, if people said anything that is an issue they have with themselves - not you. If anything, people should hold sympathy not judgement. But I know it always doesn't work like that. It's okay to go back or ask for help. Don't hold guilt over you depression and accident, that is what the depression wants. Can you get a counsellor at all to get over the fainting fear? It is completely understandable why you are worried about this, but because its interfering with your life I think it needs to be focused on. I know it must be so hard fighting not to spiral right now, here if you need a distraction or to vent.

 

[HopeDiesLast]

First of all: There is NOTHING ridiculous about your story nor do you have anything to be ashamed of!

It appears that your anxiety set in motion a series of unfortunate events that led to your current situation. When anxiety takes ahold of us, it can cloud our judgment, and we tend to make decisions that ultimately aren't in our best interest. That is NOT your fault, it's just the nature of anxiety.

You didn't mention anything about treatment. Have you sought professional help for your anxiety and depression? Have you tried therapy? I know medication doesn't work for everyone, but it has made a huge difference for me. I'll never be a social butterfly or a leader or an overachiever...but it has definitely helped me function in a professional environment and in everyday situations.

I'd suggest you give therapy/medications a try before you get on "the bus". Who knows, since it's a government job they might be able to accommodate a transfer back to your home town based on your health condition?

Best of luck to you.

 

[Soul]

No, Soul, there is no way to get a transfer back for five years. And this is a lot to take. Right now I would't mind the harrassment, I can deal with it, but I fled out of fear to faint aways (this is not adult behaviour). And now I have more problems than before, because I'm in a worse position, and clinically depressed. I don't want to be hit by a train, but if could get accesss to N. that would be a horse of different colour.

Ok, five years is a long time. Are you seeing a therapist, though?

I'm puzzled that you say fainting "isn't adult". I've fainted as an adult; it's one way our organisms deal with anxiety. It's not a very safe way, which is why I keep asking about therapy, but it's not a reason to be embarrassed. x

 

[AlreadyGone]

There is no ridiculous reasons for wanting to ctb. Everyone has their own reasons for wanting to leave this world.