Venting I'm the most disgusting person on this world

[atomic kitty]

Hey, I'm kinda new here, so I wanted to start with a very bad but still honest description of my life. (English is not my first language, so I'm very sorry for making mistakes or writing a weird sentences).
I feel really bad. Can't stand my own reflection in the mirror and seeing it makes me throw up. I feel guilty when I eat, i actually think i don't deserve the food. Wish my english vocabulary was better to fully express my thoughts.
Make-up is like a mask, I wear it every day in school and the thought of being seen by my classmates without it makes me scared and panic, especially if that's a boy, I don't know why, maybe cause my father figure was shit.
I've tried to ctb 2 time but I was to weak for that, i've been selfharming for 3-4 years now. I really need a fast and painless method

Any help would be appreciated

 

[Aleksandra]

you mentioned you're still in school, so i will make the assumption that you're minor/newly an adult.

i would suggest you open up to your parents or go to your school counsellor and tell them of these disturbed thoughts as it will only get worse the longer you leave it. i can't tell you that you can't ctb but i also can't tell you to do so as i'm assuming you're still young, with untreated mental health disorders.

 

[Sluggish_Slump]

I agree with @Aleksandra , we can't tell you what to do but you might benefit from seeking help and try treating your mental health issues, so you should consider that option

 

[atomic kitty]

I agree with @Aleksandra , we can't tell you what to do but you might benefit from seeking help and try treating your mental health issues, so you should consider that option

Thanks for your reply, I wish I could get some professional help, because I can't deal with it by myself, but my mom can not afford a therapist, and I think she treats me like attention seeking one :)

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly would be ideal to have the option of a fast and painless way to exit this world, but unfortunately we do exist in this anti suicide society that restricts reliable suicide method options from us. It must be really awful and tiring feeling trapped in that situation, life is just so unnecessarily cruel but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Sluggish_Slump]

Thanks for your reply, I wish I could get some professional help, because I can't deal with it by myself, but my mom can not afford a therapist, and I think she treats me like attention seeking one :)

You could try discussing this with your school / college 's counsler - there might be financial aid programs that could provide you some leeway to get the professional help you need. Asking around would not hurt , and it's not a negative thing to seek attention, we all do it from time to time at times of need.

 

[atomic kitty]

It certainly would be ideal to have the option of a fast and painless way to exit this world, but unfortunately we do exist in this anti suicide society that restricts reliable suicide method options from us. It must be really awful and tiring feeling trapped in that situation, life is just so unnecessarily cruel but anyway I wish you the best.

You could try discussing this with your school / college 's counsler - there might be financial aid programs that could provide you some leeway to get the professional help you need. Asking around would not hurt , and it's not a negative thing to seek attention, we all do it from time to time at times of need.

The school therapist tried to help me because she noticed that I blacked out one day and that situation wasn't told to my mom. She talked with me for 2 hours in the class time in her cabinet but we ended up with a statement that there are things that cannot be changed. So... that didn't help me, but thanks for your reply