Venting I'm such a coward

[TStorm]

I keep struggling on, day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I try to forget how much I want to die. I bury myself in mundane things so I don't have to think. I play video games or write or draw but it's all pointless. I'm not accomplishing anything, it's only to distract myself. It's exhausting and every time my mind always loops back around to death.

I'm scared to try and fail again. I can't hurt my mom like that. But I dream up scenarios where I disapear and I'm never seen again. That would hurt less for everyone else. Although I doubt anyone would care. I'm so annoying and burdensome. I wish I never existed at all. That would've been better for everyone.

I want to be brave but I should accept that I'll never be that strong. Thinking of the long rest of my life ahead of me makes me want to cry though. Can't it be over already? Haven't I struggled enough? Can I please be free?

 

[Charmolypi]

Don't feel guilty if you feel like your situation is inescapable.

We all try to distract ourself until the moment we won't exist anymore. Mentally "healthy" people do it all the time, how could they otherwise cope with all the negativity this world keeps producing? They just don't even realise they are.

People who have experienced feeling suicidal, though, keep coming back to that pain, perhaps they can never truly let it go. Maybe we went through too much trauma in our lives, maybe we are genetically predisposed to depression and other mental health issues, I don't know. Maybe we have objective obstacles in our life that would break anyone down. Either way, you're not alone.

Hope you can find the peace you need, however you choose to reach it.