Venting I'm struggling really bad

[Unending]

I'm fighting hard to stay around for my parents but would really like to just be done with it all or for the pain to go away and never again come back in such a crushing way. I strongly resent the mental healthcare systems that are in place for failing me and taking money from so many suffering desperate people without giving anything in return. I just wish my brain would turn off in an instant without me ever knowing the difference as that would limit all fear and hesitation in cessation of my pain.

These are the times where I consider myself especially desperate and fearful for the future but I act as if it's any other night. I don't even know what else to say, my brain is just horrified by it all. I know how this could end up affecting my parents. I don't know what would happen to my dad but this will pretty much be the death of my mom as I'm well aware that she needs me to survive. It's not a good feeling at all. I broke down crying multiple times the other day after months of having fits of anger. Just feeling so incredibly trapped and wish things weren't made harder by how anti-suicide the majority of the world is. There are some circumstances where it should be considered an option worth discussing or contemplating, yet everyone pretends that it never is worth thinking about... Well you know, unless they end up as unlucky as someone like me.

I've been through the ringer HARD with depression and just don't see what could possibly make this worth doing anymore so here I am, partaking in this human experience that does not equate to much for me. I feel like I really need support and just don't know where or how to get it. I'm utterly terrified of people as lonely as I am and have no friends. Sometimes I crave company or something like that but ultimately feel that my brain is so damaged from mental disorders that it ends up making me feel worse.

I'm just living in near complete isolation and have become increasingly numb to anything good in life. I have moments of relief that are extremely brief but it's just not enough to even confidently say "I feel good sometimes". I wonder sometimes what other's would do in my shoes, if they would've already been gone. I really do think that many people would have gotten the fuck out already if they were in my position. I'm not trying to say I'm special or strong, just that I am tightly tethered to this world by the concern for what will happen to my parents as I think my departure could spell out something bad for them. I hope I'm wrong and that they could get over it at some point but I worry that they would be tormented long term as I am now. Please let me be wrong.
Oh yeah, thought I would add that last time I had a psychiatry appointment, my frustration got the best of me and I had a bit of a freakout in front of my psychiatrist when he told me I have self limiting thoughts. I DON'T HAVE SELF LIMITING THOUGHTS! ALL I HAVE IS SELF LIMITING SYMPTOMS AND ALL YOU HAVE IS SELF LIMITING TREATMENTS!

 

[Worndown]

Psychiatrists are as imperfect as everyone else. The problem is that the problems they address are unseen. Only the symptoms are visible.
I am sorry you have not found the right Dr to help you.
Until better help can be found, reach out to this community. Many share the same failure you describe and may have insight that can help you.

 

[Unending]

Psychiatrists are as imperfect as everyone else. The problem is that the problems they address are unseen. Only the symptoms are visible.
I am sorry you have not found the right Dr to help you.
Until better help can be found, reach out to this community. Many share the same failure you describe and may have insight that can help you.

I could always check in with people in the recovery section. It hurts to put any more faith in recovery at this point after all the failure but even just delaying my departure is worth try I suppose. It's hard to get anywhere in this tug of rope of living for my parents vs dying for me. Very unstable in my thoughts when I want something and the people I care about want something else.

 

[Worndown]

Then this might be the perfect place. My unscientific estimate is most people here live, not die. They find others sharing similar problems and communicate. A Dr never experienced these issues where people here have and deal with them. Please check out the forums.

 

[Unending]

Then this might be the perfect place. My unscientific estimate is most people here live, not die. They find others sharing similar problems and communicate. A Dr never experienced these issues where people here have and deal with them. Please check out the forums.

Just posted there and hoping to see if there's anything helpful. Thank you for your reply

 

[Worndown]

:)

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound really tiring being trapped in that situation, life certainly is so unnecessarily cruel and there really does seem to be no real relief from suffering in this world. It's very true that this anti suicide society just makes things even worse, I believe that suicidal people at least deserve the option to leave in peace, it's so horrible to me how so many people want to completely deny people the option of suicide.

 

[pastelfluevogs]

I'm fighting hard to stay around for my parents but would really like to just be done with it all or for the pain to go away and never again come back in such a crushing way. I strongly resent the mental healthcare systems that are in place for failing me and taking money from so many suffering desperate people without giving anything in return. I just wish my brain would turn off in an instant without me ever knowing the difference as that would limit all fear and hesitation in cessation of my pain.

These are the times where I consider myself especially desperate and fearful for the future but I act as if it's any other night. I don't even know what else to say, my brain is just horrified by it all. I know how this could end up affecting my parents. I don't know what would happen to my dad but this will pretty much be the death of my mom as I'm well aware that she needs me to survive. It's not a good feeling at all. I broke down crying multiple times the other day after months of having fits of anger. Just feeling so incredibly trapped and wish things weren't made harder by how anti-suicide the majority of the world is. There are some circumstances where it should be considered an option worth discussing or contemplating, yet everyone pretends that it never is worth thinking about... Well you know, unless they end up as unlucky as someone like me.

I've been through the ringer HARD with depression and just don't see what could possibly make this worth doing anymore so here I am, partaking in this human experience that does not equate to much for me. I feel like I really need support and just don't know where or how to get it. I'm utterly terrified of people as lonely as I am and have no friends. Sometimes I crave company or something like that but ultimately feel that my brain is so damaged from mental disorders that it ends up making me feel worse.

I'm just living in near complete isolation and have become increasingly numb to anything good in life. I have moments of relief that are extremely brief but it's just not enough to even confidently say "I feel good sometimes". I wonder sometimes what other's would do in my shoes, if they would've already been gone. I really do think that many people would have gotten the fuck out already if they were in my position. I'm not trying to say I'm special or strong, just that I am tightly tethered to this world by the concern for what will happen to my parents as I think my departure could spell out something bad for them. I hope I'm wrong and that they could get over it at some point but I worry that they would be tormented long term as I am now. Please let me be wrong.
Oh yeah, thought I would add that last time I had a psychiatry appointment, my frustration got the best of me and I had a bit of a freakout in front of my psychiatrist when he told me I have self limiting thoughts. I DON'T HAVE SELF LIMITING THOUGHTS! ALL I HAVE IS SELF LIMITING SYMPTOMS AND ALL YOU HAVE IS SELF LIMITING TREATMENTS!

(WARNING, positive stuff ahead, if you don't want to read stuff like that stop here)



Something that I like to do is channel my depression into art. It may not work for you, but just create. Put good into the world, not just for others, but yourself too. When I paint I lose myself (That's just me though), and Time moves fast. Paint a sold background, not white, so you have a place to start, and wait for it to dry. Put on music or a show and just be One with yourself. Feel the nerves on the ends of your fingers as they hold the brush. Ditch the brush entirely. Finger paint. Paint in big swaths of colour. Making mistakes is natural. We are imperfect, and beautiful. You are imperfect, and beautiful.

Build things. I build sculptures and I make things out of clay. Exist for yourself and breathe. If you can, get outside and just sit on some grass. Lie down even. Anchor yourself to the world and starting from the base of your body, let the tension be reabsorbed by the earth. Breathe in and out slowly.

My mom taught me the value of nature. Her mother taught her the value of each blade of grass. Just like grass we are surrounded by others that seem to be the same. But they're not. We are all different. Our root's stretch out in different directions. We are different sizes, different shades. But all equally important and beautiful.

This was for you, but just as much as it was for you, it was for me. We all need support. Talk to me if you need a friend. Much love

pastel