Venting I'm struggling (also an introduction of sorts)

[outisforward]

First post of my own on here since joining recently, but a long time lurker. I think it'd finally do me some good to write some things out and talk with like minded people.

TW for a very brief mention of SA.

Please keep in mind I'm being fairly broad and not touching on everything that's ever happened to me, but I'm willing to elaborate on things in comments if anyone's interested. I just know it'll feel good to write this all down.

As a basic introduction, I'm 24, nonbinary (biologically female, she/they pronouns), an Aries.

I have two sisters, two brothers. I'm right in the middle. Sister A is wildly successful and always has been. Sister B was nearly a highschool dropout and the resident failure in my parents' eyes. Growing up it was always "Be like sister A, not sister B", so I held myself to this entirely unreachable standard that she had set.

By the time I was 10 or 11 I self harmed for the first time. I don't remember why, I know I was feeling depressed already at that age but I think the self harm was mostly to feel edgy. It then became my prime coping mechanism for the better part of a decade.

When I was 15 I was raped by someone I thought I could trust with anything. Someone my older sister was friends with, too. He had turned 18 a few months prior to that. I never worked up the courage to tell anyone because some sick part of me decided that I must have done something to deserve it.

I attended an early university program during the last three years of highschool. I worked my ass off. I failed a couple of courses (math just doesn't make sense to me), and that broke all pride my parents had in me. I was no longer worth anything but snide remarks and loud "reminders" to get back on track. I almost got kicked out of the program.

Once during the program and once after I graduated highschool and got into university for real, I attempted to CTB. Clearly I failed both times. I was hospitalized in a ward both times. These attempts were about a year and a half apart. I have never once stopped thinking about trying again, but with a different method (or at least something well researched that I could overdose on and not fail this time).

Throughout that time I have had a few relationships. A highschool boyfriend that lasted three years and was physically abusive in the last year or so. Someone online that convinced me I was worth nothing. Another one online that turned out to have an girlfriend he lived with and just didn't bother to tell me until she found out and called me. Another one online that, despite living in another country, took it upon himself to take the hurt from before that I trusted him with and manipulate it into keeping me under his thumb.

Now, one more online. He's been patient, kind so far. He's 30 and has a child he had early in life, who is nearly a teenager now. He's struggled with many things I have, plus his own demons. They say that two people struggling shouldn't be together because it'll be hard to get better, but I've never felt at home with someone before him. Not truly. We have our issues of course but a lot of those turn out to be misunderstandings caused by our own private hurts.

I'm very nearly 25 now. When sister A was at this point, she had put herself through school twice, bought a house, and paid for her own wedding. I still compare myself to her a lot, and comparatively, I am nothing. I haven't finished university and really have no plans to. I just started a fairly shitty job after moving home (finally worn down by my mother after a long time), and I don't know if I'm even going in for my next shift. Or any shifts. I have panic attacks on the way to work without fail every time, and it's very hard to calm myself and convince myself to go in.

The only things I really enjoy at the moment are drawing and League of Legends, and even those are usually only momentary fixations for me.

As far as diagnoses go, for a long time it was just depression and anxiety, with a fairly recent amendment to bipolar II (manic-depressive) and a panic disorder of some kind, with a little PTSD sprinkled in from unresolved trauma from when I was 15. The misdiagnosis and subsequent non-treatment of the bipolar led to prolonged manic episodes (I'm talking a week or two at a time), which in turn has affected my short term memory. I also have difficulties with auditory processing and extreme sensitivities to certain sounds and textures.

My boyfriend and I have plans for a future. I want to move to him by this fall. I'm trying to work hard to save up for it, but it's difficult for me to stay motivated. I also have a very beloved cat, one of his kitten photos is my pfp at the time of writing this. His name is Nacho.

If, when I was a teenager, I sought out help properly and took therapy seriously, maybe I wouldn't be in this position. I'd be happier, probably already moved states with my boyfriend. I'd be where I think I should be. I'd be motivated.

Instead, I'm here, in my parents house, not sleeping before work, writing things out. What I've been through isn't as bad as some others comparatively, but I've sort of learned to accept that my struggle is still just as valid as anyone else's.

Part of me desperately wants to get better, to recover, to start that life with my boyfriend. The rest of me very desperately wants to CTB. I'm at a crossroads with no real idea of which way to turn. Maybe during my stay here I'll figure it out, by talking with some of you and reading your thoughts and plans.

To whoever takes the time to read this through, thank you, and it's nice to meet you. I hope we all find our own peace, regardless of what that means.

 

[Fwompje]

It sounds like you've been through a lot. Living with depression is so hard, are you in treatment?

To me ot sounds like you have hope, you have plans, you'd like to stick around for your future with your boyfriend despite it being hard. I would wait it out, see what happens in the future, experience some fun things with your boyfriend. It'll be hard, life with mental illness is so torturous, but death will always be an option. It sounds like for you later is better than earlier.

I myself like having a method planned out, it brings me comfort. I don't have the stuff at home for if I have an episode and want to do something impulsive.

I'm online frequently, if you ever want to vent or talk, I'm probably available.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, outisforward. Sorry to hear you're up late tonight, I definitely feel that one. I've spent more than a few nights myself losing sleep before work because of one thing or another that took hold of my mind and wouldn't let me go. In fairness, my late-night obsessions tend to be video-game character building, chatting with friends in other countries, or binging video essays on YouTube. By comparison, I'd say yours is probably time well spent.

It sounds to me like you've been burdened with some pretty toxic expectations, though it seems like you already recognize that at this point. So much psychological harm begins with being made to feel that we're not good enough, or smart enough, or focused enough to be the (and I'm gonna put airquotes here) "successful" individual that other people want us to be. I'd say you've experienced your fair share of that, and more. I know you get it, but it still, and always, bears repeating: you are not Sister A. You do not have to be Sister A. You do not have to be anything at all to be deserving of love, understanding, and support. Not even the person you yourself might wish to be. Speaking as someone who has struggled a really long time with falling short of 'who I wish to be', I know.

Still, whatever your parents and some other people in your life might think, it definitely seems like you've got a good head on your shoulders. Good enough to recognize a lot of what's gone wrong, at any rate, which is a pretty good start. I'm glad to see you reaching out and trying to connect, another thing I suspect you already realize you need to do. This is so incredibly important, words cannot overstate it enough. We need people. Even when people have hurt us in the past, broken our trust, or used our weaknesses against us, we still need people. It sounds like you've managed to find someone worth holding onto, who won't break your trust. Hold onto that. It's rare for people who are hurting and isolated to manage to get ahold of someone like that, partly because people in your position don't tend to be social or reach out in the first place, and partly because a lot of otherwise decent people just don't have the resiliency and insight within them to be able to handle a suffering person's often tremendous load of personal baggage. If you've managed to find someone who can, who cares about you enough that they're willing to share that burden, you hold onto them. You hold on for dear life.

On that note, honestly, I disagree profoundly with the idea that people who are struggling shouldn't be together. I won't say it's entirely untrue that shared struggles make them more difficult to overcome. There can be some truth to this, depending on the struggle. For instance, take two people with severe depression, both of whom struggle with drive and motivational issues, you're not gonna have a very clean or productive household. If you could see my house, you'd know.

Oh wait, you can.



(By the by, for a fun exercise, there is a void in this photo. See if you can find it.)

But sharing struggles can have advantages as well. For one, sharing the same (or related) mental health issues can often correlate with a high degree of empathy, a mutual understanding that allows such partners to be able to offer a kind of support and understanding that others are simply unable to match. Such partners can lean on each other, offer consolation, and be each other's sanctuaries in a world that is otherwise too busy finding fault to really understand. As for myself and my partner, we both suffer severe depression, both have varying degrees of executive dysfunction, we share trauma from familial conflict and abuse. On top of that, she has some pretty severe anxiety issues, and while I myself have never actually been suicidal in my lifetime, she has. And she has openly told me a number of times that she wouldn't be alive right now if I wasn't here. For my part, I likely still would be...but probably not in a very good place.

At least you're still able to find a way to trust people, at least certain people, after what you've been through. There are a lot of people in your situation who would have shut down completely and pulled away after what happened to you. And, being honest, they'd have every right to. Being raped by a friend, someone you trusted and who had connections to other friends and family, that must have been an absolutely awful experience, and I can't help but wonder how that trauma has and is going to manifest in your life. It always does, if not in the ways you would expect, then in some other way you'd never see coming. You've been through a lot, your faith in humanity and people in general has been through a lot. And yet somehow you're still here, making connections. You're reaching for a future that feels possible to you, however distant it may seem. And you're putting your trust in another human person, someone with the ability to hurt you just as badly as you've been hurt already. I can't speak for how you're able to do that, but it does tell me that you're still trying to hold on.

You said you've been lurking on the site for a long time, so I'm sure you've already seen how compassionate and empathetic the people on this site can be. Making connections here, with the people who are best able to understand the circumstances you are in and the struggles you face, may be able to help you keep holding on. And yes, I know, there are people with struggles, health issues (physical as well as mental), and personal circumstances that are worse than yours, and way worse than mine. But that common phrase you see thrown around a lot, while cliche and a little trite to those who've heard it a million times, still holds true: nobody wins the suffering olympics. Our compassion, the basic, fundamental tenet of our humanity, is really all we have at the end of the day, and it doesn't matter whose pain is worse for everyone's suffering to be valid and worthy of consolation. Again, you already know this. Again, it bears repeating.

I'm sure that contact with the people here can help give you the perspective you're looking for. Maybe you'll even find a friend or two, and expand that close circle of people you can trust and rely on in times of difficulty. Or at least, I certainly hope so. You have the right to be happy and to find support, whatever form that takes. And if there's anything any of us can do to help provide that to you, just say the word.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[outisforward]

It sounds like you've been through a lot. Living with depression is so hard, are you in treatment?

To me ot sounds like you have hope, you have plans, you'd like to stick around for your future with your boyfriend despite it being hard. I would wait it out, see what happens in the future, experience some fun things with your boyfriend. It'll be hard, life with mental illness is so torturous, but death will always be an option. It sounds like for you later is better than earlier.

I myself like having a method planned out, it brings me comfort. I don't have the stuff at home for if I have an episode and want to do something impulsive.

I'm online frequently, if you ever want to vent or talk, I'm probably available.

Thank you for your response and for your willingness to talk if I'd like to. My DMS are always open as well.

I'm not currently in treatment, I've been in and out for the better part of a decade now (usually because my insurance decides it's not worth covering at some point). I do want to get back into it and at least give it one more really good try.

I agree that later is probably better than earlier for me, and that I can always keep death in my back pocket. It's just difficult finding the motivation to seek help or to even continue a lot of the time. I guess that's why I wanted to start talking here lmao

Hey there, outisforward. Sorry to hear you're up late tonight, I definitely feel that one. I've spent more than a few nights myself losing sleep before work because of one thing or another that took hold of my mind and wouldn't let me go. In fairness, my late-night obsessions tend to be video-game character building, chatting with friends in other countries, or binging video essays on YouTube. By comparison, I'd say yours is probably time well spent.

It sounds to me like you've been burdened with some pretty toxic expectations, though it seems like you already recognize that at this point. So much psychological harm begins with being made to feel that we're not good enough, or smart enough, or focused enough to be the (and I'm gonna put airquotes here) "successful" individual that other people want us to be. I'd say you've experienced your fair share of that, and more. I know you get it, but it still, and always, bears repeating: you are not Sister A. You do not have to be Sister A. You do not have to be anything at all to be deserving of love, understanding, and support. Not even the person you yourself might wish to be. Speaking as someone who has struggled a really long time with falling short of 'who I wish to be', I know.

Still, whatever your parents and some other people in your life might think, it definitely seems like you've got a good head on your shoulders. Good enough to recognize a lot of what's gone wrong, at any rate, which is a pretty good start. I'm glad to see you reaching out and trying to connect, another thing I suspect you already realize you need to do. This is so incredibly important, words cannot overstate it enough. We need people. Even when people have hurt us in the past, broken our trust, or used our weaknesses against us, we still need people. It sounds like you've managed to find someone worth holding onto, who won't break your trust. Hold onto that. It's rare for people who are hurting and isolated to manage to get ahold of someone like that, partly because people in your position don't tend to be social or reach out in the first place, and partly because a lot of otherwise decent people just don't have the resiliency and insight within them to be able to handle a suffering person's often tremendous load of personal baggage. If you've managed to find someone who can, who cares about you enough that they're willing to share that burden, you hold onto them. You hold on for dear life.

On that note, honestly, I disagree profoundly with the idea that people who are struggling shouldn't be together. I won't say it's entirely untrue that shared struggles make them more difficult to overcome. There can be some truth to this, depending on the struggle. For instance, take two people with severe depression, both of whom struggle with drive and motivational issues, you're not gonna have a very clean or productive household. If you could see my house, you'd know.

Oh wait, you can.

View attachment 106248

(By the by, for a fun exercise, there is a void in this photo. See if you can find it.)

But sharing struggles can have advantages as well. For one, sharing the same (or related) mental health issues can often correlate with a high degree of empathy, a mutual understanding that allows such partners to be able to offer a kind of support and understanding that others are simply unable to match. Such partners can lean on each other, offer consolation, and be each other's sanctuaries in a world that is otherwise too busy finding fault to really understand. As for myself and my partner, we both suffer severe depression, both have varying degrees of executive dysfunction, we share trauma from familial conflict and abuse. On top of that, she has some pretty severe anxiety issues, and while I myself have never actually been suicidal in my lifetime, she has. And she has openly told me a number of times that she wouldn't be alive right now if I wasn't here. For my part, I likely still would be...but probably not in a very good place.

At least you're still able to find a way to trust people, at least certain people, after what you've been through. There are a lot of people in your situation who would have shut down completely and pulled away after what happened to you. And, being honest, they'd have every right to. Being raped by a friend, someone you trusted and who had connections to other friends and family, that must have been an absolutely awful experience, and I can't help but wonder how that trauma has and is going to manifest in your life. It always does, if not in the ways you would expect, then in some other way you'd never see coming. You've been through a lot, your faith in humanity and people in general has been through a lot. And yet somehow you're still here, making connections. You're reaching for a future that feels possible to you, however distant it may seem. And you're putting your trust in another human person, someone with the ability to hurt you just as badly as you've been hurt already. I can't speak for how you're able to do that, but it does tell me that you're still trying to hold on.

You said you've been lurking on the site for a long time, so I'm sure you've already seen how compassionate and empathetic the people on this site can be. Making connections here, with the people who are best able to understand the circumstances you are in and the struggles you face, may be able to help you keep holding on. And yes, I know, there are people with struggles, health issues (physical as well as mental), and personal circumstances that are worse than yours, and way worse than mine. But that common phrase you see thrown around a lot, while cliche and a little trite to those who've heard it a million times, still holds true: nobody wins the suffering olympics. Our compassion, the basic, fundamental tenet of our humanity, is really all we have at the end of the day, and it doesn't matter whose pain is worse for everyone's suffering to be valid and worthy of consolation. Again, you already know this. Again, it bears repeating.

I'm sure that contact with the people here can help give you the perspective you're looking for. Maybe you'll even find a friend or two, and expand that close circle of people you can trust and rely on in times of difficulty. Or at least, I certainly hope so. You have the right to be happy and to find support, whatever form that takes. And if there's anything any of us can do to help provide that to you, just say the word.

Wishing you all the best.

Thank you so much for such a thought out reply. I cried at a bit of it lmao.

I do think that I want to give living and pursuing that future I want a really good chance. It's hard to, but I won't ever know what it's like if I don't try.

I've spent a very long time trying to teach myself that I don't have to be my sister, everyone's "success" is defined very differently and I just haven't found my definition of it yet. Very occasionally one or both of my parents will bring up that program I was in and will talk about how they wish I'd have finished school like she did. It's getting a little easier to ignore now that I'm older.

The wildest thing about me is that despite everything, I want to trust. I want to have connections with people and have good people around me. I want to support and be supported. I still have all the traits that made me a doormat before, and it's scary opening up to people because I'm always worried I'll just give in again. I think seeing the amount of compassion and care everyone has for each other on this site is what draws me to it, in addition to having a space to freely talk about these things without stigma. It feels like home. It's comfortable and I need that.


I'm still very much half asleep so if any of this feels incoherent I'm sorry lol. Maybe later I can respond a bit more thoughtfully.


The void is on the chair in the bottom left of the photo btw (: it was hard to see until I turned up the brightness a little lol

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly is such a cruel world that we exist in and of course your feelings are valid. Just because other people have it worse doesn't remove any of our suffering. And it really is so awful how humans can create so much harm and make the lives of others much worse but anyway I wish you the best of luck in whatever happens going forward.