Venting I'm starting to resent my loved ones

[Noctis]

I'm ready to catch the bus. I've gone through therapy, meds, hospitalizations, and failed attempts. I've done lots of stupid things and tried lots of stupid drugs just to try to feel something... anything. But I've finally come to terms with it. I've finally accepted that it's time for me to get on the bus.

The only thing that's stopping me is one person; my wife. She will be absolutely devastated. She might actually end up following me. I can't imagine forcing that amount of pain on another person, so I've continued living solely for her.

I'm beginning to hate her for it.

I'm tired of going through life, and I'm tired of struggling to find purpose. I've lived long enough, and wrestled with suicidal thoughts long enough, to know I'll never be truly happy ever again. But I keep trying because I don't want to hurt her. I'm miserable so she doesn't have to be. And it's taking a toll on us. I don't know how much longer I can continue like this.

I keep hoping I catch her having an affair, or that she'll get tired of my shit and leave me. Then nothing will be holding me back. I'm not even angry or depressed or anxious or anything. I have the same feelings towards my death that one would have about leaving a party when it's time to go. There's not really any emotion, but I'm tired and bored and I just want to go, and I'm starting to get pissed at this guy who keeps taking to me and won't take the hint that I just want to fucking leave.

How do I keep doing what I hate just to keep from hurting someone else?

 

[Onthe29th]

You're a lot better then me. I know my family and bf will be devastated when I ctb but it's not enough to stop me. They've unfortunately given me enough reason to go through with it unfortunately.

 

[Nanako]

I have two amazing and loving parents. It's not fair to them. But I can't take this anymore, I can't suffer for their sake, even though having their child commit suicide is the last thing they deserve.

 

[myopybyproxy]

How do I keep doing what I hate just to keep from hurting someone else?

This is the question asked by many. I can't say I know the answer, though I have some thoughts on the matter.

I waited until after I and my ex broke up - we agreed we were not good for each other's mental health - to attempt. Since then, I have resolved not to get into another relationship because I know the same thing will happen like you, either wherein I resent them for caring about me, or where I go through with my plan regardless and they are destroyed as a result. I don't want to ruin anyone else so I try to keep people at a distance. Too bad human instinct for connection exists. I try to snuff it out, with varying success depending on the day and amount of drugs in my system.

Although if you carry on like this, eventually your resentment will start to show. Perhaps not even consciously - for instance, leaving chores undone 'accidentally' - but little slips that reveal your true state of mind. Excessively harsh or dull tone of voice, spending less time around her, doing small things that irk her, etc. Everyone has a limit, and after enough of that I'm sure she will grow less fond of you - but probably not leave you, if she at one point truly cared about you she may stick around in hopes you will change or to try to help. I am using the same tactic albeit consciously - purposely arguing with people in my life, being rude and disrespectful, or otherwise strange and obnoxious - so that they will distance themselves from me, or not mind (ideally, be glad) when I do so from them.

You mention an affair - why wait for her to have one? Take the reins in your own hands and have an affair yourself. Let her stumble upon some evidence. Cruelly effective way to shatter a bond. Even if she is in denial and refuses a divorce, her feelings toward you will shift.

How do you plan to proceed? What are your options as you see them? What are the downsides of each?

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are going through this, it sounds like a difficult situation to be in, I can imagine it must be really unbearable living only for someone else. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I understand that it can be dreadful when everything is hopeless. I wish you the best.

 

[Noctis]

This is the question asked by many. I can't say I know the answer, though I have some thoughts on the matter.

I waited until after I and my ex broke up - we agreed we were not good for each other's mental health - to attempt. Since then, I have resolved not to get into another relationship because I know the same thing will happen like you, either wherein I resent them for caring about me, or where I go through with my plan regardless and they are destroyed as a result. I don't want to ruin anyone else so I try to keep people at a distance. Too bad human instinct for connection exists. I try to snuff it out, with varying success depending on the day and amount of drugs in my system.

Although if you carry on like this, eventually your resentment will start to show. Perhaps not even consciously - for instance, leaving chores undone 'accidentally' - but little slips that reveal your true state of mind. Excessively harsh or dull tone of voice, spending less time around her, doing small things that irk her, etc. Everyone has a limit, and after enough of that I'm sure she will grow less fond of you - but probably not leave you, if she at one point truly cared about you she may stick around in hopes you will change or to try to help. I am using the same tactic albeit consciously - purposely arguing with people in my life, being rude and disrespectful, or otherwise strange and obnoxious - so that they will distance themselves from me, or not mind (ideally, be glad) when I do so from them.

You mention an affair - why wait for her to have one? Take the reins in your own hands and have an affair yourself. Let her stumble upon some evidence. Cruelly effective way to shatter a bond. Even if she is in denial and refuses a divorce, her feelings toward you will shift.

How do you plan to proceed? What are your options as you see them? What are the downsides of each?

I fear my resentment is already starting to show. Little tiny things annoy me to no end, and I can't keep it from affecting me.

I cannot have an affair. Aside from my libido being in the trash, and the anxiety of having to interact with another person, I could kill myself easier than do that to her. She knows I'm depressed and suicidal, and she had completely uprooted her life and moved away from all her friends and family so I could get my dream job thousands of miles away. She has sacrificed so much just to try to make me happy... but it's not working. I'm just as miserable as I've always been, and it hasn't even slowed my accelerating desire to kill myself.

So, to do anything to hurt her seems impossible. She's completely innocent in all this, and she hasn't done anything wrong have to go through that kind of heartache.

So my options are stay with her and keep my mouth shut as I slowly descend into more bitterness and anger; divorce her and ruin her life before killing myself; or just kill myself, destroy her, but she gets enough money from my life insurance to get by for a while.

I'm going to end up killing myself. I know it. I can't hold out like this forever, and I'm tired of fighting the depression. It won. I have no fight left in me.

I have two amazing and loving parents. It's not fair to them. But I can't take this anymore, I can't suffer for their sake, even though having their child commit suicide is the last thing they deserve.

That's what makes this even harder: I hate my parents. I wish I would've just done it back when I was a teenager so it would hurt them the most and no one else (because I had no friends back then). But I was dumb and told myself it would get better after I moved out.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I fear my resentment is already starting to show. Little tiny things annoy me to no end, and I can't keep it from affecting me.

I cannot have an affair. Aside from my libido being in the trash, and the anxiety of having to interact with another person, I could kill myself easier than do that to her. She knows I'm depressed and suicidal, and she had completely uprooted her life and moved away from all her friends and family so I could get my dream job thousands of miles away. She has sacrificed so much just to try to make me happy... but it's not working. I'm just as miserable as I've always been, and it hasn't even slowed my accelerating desire to kill myself.

So, to do anything to hurt her seems impossible. She's completely innocent in all this, and she hasn't done anything wrong have to go through that kind of heartache.

So my options are stay with her and keep my mouth shut as I slowly descend into more bitterness and anger; divorce her and ruin her life before killing myself; or just kill myself, destroy her, but she gets enough money from my life insurance to get by for a while.

I'm going to end up killing myself. I know it. I can't hold out like this forever, and I'm tired of fighting the depression. It won. I have no fight left in me.

Has she responded to it?

I see. That is a difficult situation no doubt. As much as I feel horrible for even thinking it, sometimes I wish that I had no one who cared about me so that I could die in peace without the possibility of hurting them. And then I chastise myself; 'what an ungrateful disgusting creature, you sick fuck, you are so lucky you have no idea'. If I could swap with someone in a less fortunate situation - and keep the access to my method - I would in a heartbeat.

Combination of option 1 and 3 seem most likely. If you divorce her will she get any settlements or whatnot? If life insurance payout is less than what she would receive from the divorce - combine 1 and 2 then?

Would it be possible to move back to her hometown beforehand? What with the pandemic, I know the answer is most likely no, and of course I don't know your dynamics with her nor much of your situation at all other than a vague sense from your post. Just spitballing here.

 

[Gsvko]

I'm fcked up, but imo it's not your (or our) responsibility. I hope people will handle my going away well, hope it doesn't hurt them, hope they heal fast and maybe even get stronger. But I myself simply don't have it in me to make it easier for them anymore, I wish I could, I wish I could be a lovely happy butterfly and live happily ever after. They didn't deserve anything else, but you know what? I also didn't deserve a lot of shit. That's a horrible logic, I know. If I could I would, but I personally cannot live for somebody else. I'm not trying to encourage you to do anything, I think you should do whatever feels right to you, whatever it is really. I think you deserve it. Whether it's leaving her for some alone time, talking things out or whatever. Hopefully you feel good about it and cause as little suffering as possible, on both ends. You deserve peace. Sometimes things get worse before they get better. I believe honesty is best policy.
Let me just repeat that I'm fcked up, my opinion, to be taken with a grain.

 

[Noctis]

Has she responded to it?

I see. That is a difficult situation no doubt. As much as I feel horrible for even thinking it, sometimes I wish that I had no one who cared about me so that I could die in peace without the possibility of hurting them. And then I chastise myself; 'what an ungrateful disgusting creature, you sick fuck, you are so lucky you have no idea'. If I could swap with someone in a less fortunate situation - and keep the access to my method - I would in a heartbeat.

Combination of option 1 and 3 seem most likely. If you divorce her will she get any settlements or whatnot? If life insurance payout is less than what she would receive from the divorce - combine 1 and 2 then?

Would it be possible to move back to her hometown beforehand? What with the pandemic, I know the answer is most likely no, and of course I don't know your dynamics with her nor much of your situation at all other than a vague sense from your post. Just spitballing here.

No, I totally get that. Though my parents are assholes, they definitely aren't poor, so I had a relatively privileged childhood. But sometimes I wish I had grown up on the streets to a couple of drug addicts. At least then I would have a reason for feeling this shitty, instead of feeling like an ungrateful and spoiled brat.

If we divorce there would probably be some alimony. She quit her career to support mine, so there would definitely be some sort of settlement...but it wouldn't be nearly as much as my life insurance payout. And if we divorced, I'd just kill myself anyways, and the payout wouldn't go to her, so that doesn't seem like the way to go. My goal here is to provide a much relief for her as I can. I love her and I want to take care of her...I just hate myself more.

We COULD move back to her hometown, but that isn't as easy as just loading up the car and driving. We'd have to sell our house here, get a place there, pack up and move all our things. Not to mention I'd need a reason to convince her to go, because I don't think "Hey, I just really think you need to be with your friends and family so it'll lessen the blow when I kill myself" will really go well.

 

[LoneMisery]

Your wife seems that important to you. I would love to have a woman stick by my side through all of this.
My guilt has kept me going for my friends and family. Theyre the only thing that keeps me going.
The dogs and my niece also.
I hope the best for you guys.
If your wife is thag important try to use it as motivation to keep going. Theres alot of us in our situation because qe donr have that spouse to lean on.
I wish you the best of luck sir

 

[onleana]

i feel the same way about my mom. sometimes im really really angry at her for not letting me ctb. i know she loves me to death and i love her too but i just can't stand being here any longer. i feel so sorry for her, she doesnt deserve this. she will likely follow me when i finally decide im ready to go. i don't want to do this to her. i feel so trapped.