I’m split in two… again

[dinosavr]

I posted here a few days ago about how I plan to tell my therapist about my current mental crisis to reach out for help.
Last time I felt so bad was back in November/December 2023 or never before and since then I've been regretting not letting myself get even worse and ending my life.
So this time I feel again not at all sure if I should really tell her. What if in one way or another she'll make it impossible for me to use my preferred method or any method at all? I don't want to lose this opportunity. And I don't want to heal, maybe deep down I do, because I engage in my recovery quite a lot but still, I don't feel ready to be happy again :( Is that even possible?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

So this time I feel again not at all sure if I should really tell her. What if in one way or another she'll make it impossible for me to use my preferred method or any method at all? I don't want to lose this opportunity. And I don't want to heal, maybe deep down I do, because I engage in my recovery quite a lot but still, I don't feel ready to be happy again :( Is that even possible?

You're really trapped in between wanting/trying to recover and SI - that's how I see it. It's about how much chances do you see to really recover? That's also a question if that what really causes your MH issues and suicidality can be fixed. It's trial and error and how much effort you want to put in a recovery project by yourself.

 

[dinosavr]

You're really trapped in between wanting/trying to recover and SI - that's how I see it. It's about how much chances do you see to really recover? That's also a question if that what really causes your MH issues and suicidality can be fixed. It's trial and error and how much effort you want to put in a recovery project by yourself.

I think I have almost perfect conditions to heal, I have a supporting family, I live with my friends, so I'm not alone, I can afford therapy, meds and precooked healthy meals, I have a job, I'm almost totally healthy physically, really there's not much to complain about. The missing pieces are mental health obv, bigger financial stability, a life partner and having a hobby. But it's not necessary to be able to heal.
But the thing is that for now I don't really want to do any more work on my health than I've been doing so far. I'm not ready. I'm already pretty overwhelmed and tired. But on the other hand maybe that's because I haven't been working on what's the most important, I guess.

 

[Cress]

I think I have almost perfect conditions to heal, I have a supporting family, I live with my friends, so I'm not alone, I can afford therapy, meds and precooked healthy meals, I have a job, I'm almost totally healthy physically, really there's not much to complain about. The missing pieces are mental health obv, bigger financial stability, a life partner and having a hobby. But it's not necessary to be able to heal.
But the thing is that for now I don't really want to do any more work on my health than I've been doing so far. I'm not ready. I'm already pretty overwhelmed and tired. But on the other hand maybe that's because I haven't been working on what's the most important, I guess.

It sounds like you're in a good position. If you're able to afford therapy like you said it might be very helpful to to talk to your therapist about how you're feeling. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

 

[liliths]

I think I have almost perfect conditions to heal, I have a supporting family, I live with my friends, so I'm not alone, I can afford therapy, meds and precooked healthy meals, I have a job, I'm almost totally healthy physically, really there's not much to complain about. The missing pieces are mental health obv, bigger financial stability, a life partner and having a hobby. But it's not necessary to be able to heal.
But the thing is that for now I don't really want to do any more work on my health than I've been doing so far. I'm not ready. I'm already pretty overwhelmed and tired. But on the other hand maybe that's because I haven't been working on what's the most important, I guess.

It sounds like you're in a good position. If you're able to afford therapy like you said it might be very helpful to to talk to your therapist about how you're feeling. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

i agree with cress. having a solid environment is helpful to recovery.

it's common to experience ups and downs while recovering as well. i certainly have. i would definitely talk to your therapist and see how she can help you through this difficult time. it can be helpful to have someone else, especially a mental health professional, sort through the chaos with you. wishing you all the best, take care

 

[Ash]

Reading your post, it's so similar to situations I've been in and am in. I tend to go with honesty being the best policy and take it from there. Without a way of knowing the future, there is no right way of doing things. But you're not alone x

 

[Tesha]

One of the scariest things I'm finding about recovery is the fear of change and the unknown. I'm currently comfortable feeling emotional (and physical) pain - as that's all I've really known; it's my safe space. I don't really know what it feels like to go through a day and actually like yourself, to be proud of my own achievements etc. I most certainly don't want someone to take away my safety net - my ability to kill myself when it gets too much; so while I have now told people about my method, I won't hand it over.

I've spent years in therapy and I've got such a good grasp of multiple psychological theories and methodologies, I could probably train the next generation of psychologists. But, I lack the ability to apply them to myself. I think I've come to the conclusion the traditional 'medical model' of medication and clinical therapies just isn't for me. So, I'm waiting to start a course of treatment that looks more holistically at my issues and doesn't force me down the medication route.

What I'm saying is, starting the recovery journey can be daunting and you might not get the right therapist or treatment initially. It will take work from you and ultimately suicide will always remain an option. But, it sounds like you're in a good position to be supported to look for what works for you. My advice is don't expect too much from therapy - it's not going to fix everything - but it can help you make minor step changes that add up.

I've just reread what I've written and I sound like a bloody prolife advertisement…. Sorry…