Deleted member 23586
Hope ur final midnight feels like the hug you need
- Nov 8, 2020
- 208
*anxiety activates* *sorry for typos*
OK I have to apologize because I don't know where else to go or who to talk right now, but if you are willing to give me a moment of time or the space to be able to I'd appreciate it. I should probably leave a disclaimer so people understand more of where I am coming from in fear of being rejected even here where this was my last resort. I have a lot of ptsd and also have a huge rap sheet of mental health issues that make me feel like opening up here, people will are going to attack me or be really judgemental. I say that to ask for those that give me the time of day to please be gentle with me because I am super sensitive. I tend to shut down and repress things if things are going in the opposite direction than where I was headed. This is going to be long, messy, and adhd driven. I hope I can make this as coherent as possible. Thank you so much again. I appreciate you all. ^~^!
(that intro was long af....sorry smh *face palm*)
So uhm.... Let's see. I'm so very exhausted. And I feel so bad because I actually had a really good day. I felt really good today. I had a pretty bad panic attack earlier (which is an everyday occurrence), but I stuck it out and I was able to somehow get myself out of it. I was able to turn on my switch and a play a game for a really long time which I haven't been able to do for months. I talked to my favorite person in the world (my brother) all day till he slept as per usual (I'm in USA. He's in UK). I watched a movie I've been wanting to find, and found it on a fluke on YouTube (Baf Hair). They took it down literally right after the credits rolled haha. So I felt so damn lucky today. I then showed my sister and nephew the same movie (on a bootleg site) and watched it with them. We had such a great and fun time watching it. It felt so nice. So so nice. I didn't binge (eating disorders) as much today.
Then at the end of the night (right now) I went back to my room. I came here to check on my babies. That's what I lovingly call you all in my head... Don't ask why, I just feel like you're all my lil babies and I gotta take care of you and be here for you ever since I found this site. I know it must seem so weird and strange but I can't help it. People say I'm too nice and caring for my own good...and I honestly don't see myself as doing enough or all that much of a good person. Anyways... Everytime I read a goodbye thread I cry as if I lost them myself. And they didn't even know I existed, and I didn't even know them... I don't even know you all but here I am caring for you all like you're my new found family haha.
But after all of that, and after I finally.... After so fucking long, I finally have a good day, why do I still feel so bad? And I feel so selfish and ungrateful and unappreciative. It's like I'm back at square one, like none of that happened almost. My anxiety/panic attacks hit me like a brick because I'm so fucking scared of everything. But most of all living. The future is grim always. The past is just a dark. I'm stuck between a rock, a hard place, and a volcano. No matter what I do it feels like I'm gonna suffer and die.
I ordered my stuff for SN and I was so very very excited. It's a very twisted bittersweet feeling. My tagamet got here today and my SN arrives soon. But when it got here I wasn't excited anymore... I was so sad that it's come to this.... That this was driving for to hold on a little longer for my brother mostly. I know that may sound weird but just having the option to leave whenever I want, comforts me just enough to keep me going as long as I can for him. I love him so much and I'm trying my best. I really am trying. But I'm so fucking lonely. I've been isolated most of my life. Alone, abused I'm various ways (various forms of assault, mentally and physically). By like 90 percent of the people who I've come in contact with. Each time killing parts of me. I live with one of my abusers, my sis, and nephew... They have no idea they are an abuser, and I can't tell them or kick them out because I need them to take care of my family and myself. It's a very fucked up situation... I know.
Im trying to hold on at least until I'm able to get bottom surgery to subside some of this pain. Diminish a lil bit of my dysphoria. I'm trying so hard to stay. But I've been forced into this wall. This is all just the tip of the iceburg of what my life has been like. And I feel so sad and sorry for needing people. Needing someone here. Needing someone to talk to. Needing someone to understand me. Needing someone to not abandon me again...needing some to please hold me. Needing intimacy. Needing to feel wanted. Needing to be loved... I'm such a needy person haha. And what makes it worst is that I want these things knowing I don't even feel I deserve that.
Anyways I'm very sorry again for the long rant. For those that made it this far I appreciate you so so so very much and thank you for taking the time to read this. If I could I'd give you a package of sour gummy bears, sour gummy worms, and a giant plushy alpaca. Oh and a juice box! Maybe I'm projecting cuz I want all those things haha. Ok I'mma go and leave you alone now. Bai Bai Babies, ^~^!
(I'm so scared to push the damn post button Omg Lmao. I've been staring at forevaaaa. Fuck my life! Why am I like this, I'm such a child haha. >~<)
OK I have to apologize because I don't know where else to go or who to talk right now, but if you are willing to give me a moment of time or the space to be able to I'd appreciate it. I should probably leave a disclaimer so people understand more of where I am coming from in fear of being rejected even here where this was my last resort. I have a lot of ptsd and also have a huge rap sheet of mental health issues that make me feel like opening up here, people will are going to attack me or be really judgemental. I say that to ask for those that give me the time of day to please be gentle with me because I am super sensitive. I tend to shut down and repress things if things are going in the opposite direction than where I was headed. This is going to be long, messy, and adhd driven. I hope I can make this as coherent as possible. Thank you so much again. I appreciate you all. ^~^!
(that intro was long af....sorry smh *face palm*)
So uhm.... Let's see. I'm so very exhausted. And I feel so bad because I actually had a really good day. I felt really good today. I had a pretty bad panic attack earlier (which is an everyday occurrence), but I stuck it out and I was able to somehow get myself out of it. I was able to turn on my switch and a play a game for a really long time which I haven't been able to do for months. I talked to my favorite person in the world (my brother) all day till he slept as per usual (I'm in USA. He's in UK). I watched a movie I've been wanting to find, and found it on a fluke on YouTube (Baf Hair). They took it down literally right after the credits rolled haha. So I felt so damn lucky today. I then showed my sister and nephew the same movie (on a bootleg site) and watched it with them. We had such a great and fun time watching it. It felt so nice. So so nice. I didn't binge (eating disorders) as much today.
Then at the end of the night (right now) I went back to my room. I came here to check on my babies. That's what I lovingly call you all in my head... Don't ask why, I just feel like you're all my lil babies and I gotta take care of you and be here for you ever since I found this site. I know it must seem so weird and strange but I can't help it. People say I'm too nice and caring for my own good...and I honestly don't see myself as doing enough or all that much of a good person. Anyways... Everytime I read a goodbye thread I cry as if I lost them myself. And they didn't even know I existed, and I didn't even know them... I don't even know you all but here I am caring for you all like you're my new found family haha.
But after all of that, and after I finally.... After so fucking long, I finally have a good day, why do I still feel so bad? And I feel so selfish and ungrateful and unappreciative. It's like I'm back at square one, like none of that happened almost. My anxiety/panic attacks hit me like a brick because I'm so fucking scared of everything. But most of all living. The future is grim always. The past is just a dark. I'm stuck between a rock, a hard place, and a volcano. No matter what I do it feels like I'm gonna suffer and die.
I ordered my stuff for SN and I was so very very excited. It's a very twisted bittersweet feeling. My tagamet got here today and my SN arrives soon. But when it got here I wasn't excited anymore... I was so sad that it's come to this.... That this was driving for to hold on a little longer for my brother mostly. I know that may sound weird but just having the option to leave whenever I want, comforts me just enough to keep me going as long as I can for him. I love him so much and I'm trying my best. I really am trying. But I'm so fucking lonely. I've been isolated most of my life. Alone, abused I'm various ways (various forms of assault, mentally and physically). By like 90 percent of the people who I've come in contact with. Each time killing parts of me. I live with one of my abusers, my sis, and nephew... They have no idea they are an abuser, and I can't tell them or kick them out because I need them to take care of my family and myself. It's a very fucked up situation... I know.
Im trying to hold on at least until I'm able to get bottom surgery to subside some of this pain. Diminish a lil bit of my dysphoria. I'm trying so hard to stay. But I've been forced into this wall. This is all just the tip of the iceburg of what my life has been like. And I feel so sad and sorry for needing people. Needing someone here. Needing someone to talk to. Needing someone to understand me. Needing someone to not abandon me again...needing some to please hold me. Needing intimacy. Needing to feel wanted. Needing to be loved... I'm such a needy person haha. And what makes it worst is that I want these things knowing I don't even feel I deserve that.
Anyways I'm very sorry again for the long rant. For those that made it this far I appreciate you so so so very much and thank you for taking the time to read this. If I could I'd give you a package of sour gummy bears, sour gummy worms, and a giant plushy alpaca. Oh and a juice box! Maybe I'm projecting cuz I want all those things haha. Ok I'mma go and leave you alone now. Bai Bai Babies, ^~^!
(I'm so scared to push the damn post button Omg Lmao. I've been staring at forevaaaa. Fuck my life! Why am I like this, I'm such a child haha. >~<)