Venting I'm sorry I can't get it right

[Raggedyandy]

To the man I love more passionately than anyone in the world.

I'm sorry I can't get it right.
I'm sorry I keep screwing up in unforgivable ways.
I'm sorry for how horrible I've been.
I'm sorry for all the ways I've hurt you.

I don't think I can ever change your mind about me. I know you'll never see things from my perspective. I feel like such a failure for everything I've done and how trapped I feel. Everything is my fault. I caused this. I just feel so stuck and wish there were a way out. I wish I knew when it would be fair -- when the pain I feel stops being deserved. I keep vacillating between feeling like I 100% deserve everything and feeling like there's been a terrible injustice. I don't know what's real anymore. I don't know what's fair.

I just want the pain to stop.

And the second I think that, I feel bad for how selfish I am. You're the only person I feel truly close to. You're my rock, my comfort. There is no one else. And I did that to myself too. I made you my everything; that's my fault. I trapped myself. And now I have no one.

I am alone. And it's my own fault. I deserve the pain of loneliness. All I do is hurt the people around me.

If anyone is out there and would wanna talk on here, I would be so grateful right now

 

[VoidDesirer22]

And I did that to myself too. I made you my everything; that's my fault. I trapped myself. And now I have no one.

I relate to this.

But you do not deserve to be alone.

 

[Raggedyandy]

I relate to this.

But you do not deserve to be alone.

When people do bad things, do they deserve to feel pain for those things? How much is enough? What is fair?

 

[VoidDesirer22]

When people do bad things, do they deserve to feel pain for those things? How much is enough? What is fair?

I wonder. I have done some bad things but I have done them in a spiral towards death, which I have craved for 7 years.

I am my own biggest bully and who I hold the most empathy for.

Deserving pain is a philosophical view including karma and revenge. I think returning to eternal peace should be available to everyone. Nobody asked to have the mind that they have and commit actions that they commit. But this gets very complicated an is purely abstract.

Practically, and in reality;
Accountability is important on a societal level. Otherwise nothing would function. If you abuse, neglect, assault etc. then you deserve a chance to reflect on those actions and to be a better person. I find people often cannot stomach sincerely apologizing. If you can apologize sincerely, and cease causing pain, then that's the next best thing than having not committed any pain in the first place.

Of course the proportion of pain committed is in question. Are you depressed and perhaps bullying yourself about something less severe than what you are picturing it as?

 

[Raggedyandy]

I wonder. I have done some bad things but I have done them in a spiral towards death, which I have craved for 7 years.

I am my own biggest bully and who I hold the most empathy for.

Deserving pain is a philosophical view including karma and revenge. I think returning to eternal peace should be available to everyone. Nobody asked to have the mind that they have and commit actions that they commit. But this gets very complicated an is purely abstract.

Practically, and in reality;
Accountability is important on a societal level. Otherwise nothing would function. If you abuse, neglect, assault etc. then you deserve a chance to reflect on those actions and to be a better person. I find people often cannot stomach sincerely apologizing. If you can apologize sincerely, and cease causing pain, then that's the next best thing than having not committed any pain in the first place.

Of course the proportion of pain committed is in question. Are you depressed and perhaps bullying yourself about something less severe than what you are picturing it as?

You're right -- that's why it's such a hard concept for me to process. It becomes a moral conflict.

He (I'll call him B) and I have different perspectives on the same issue and sometimes I take his side but sometimes I see my side more. The problem is that he is an incredibly smart individual and he has a way of spinning things. Or does he? Maybe I'm not seeing reality. This is my whole problem. I have no idea what is real. I'm afraid that if I attempt to explain it, I'll be unable to put it in an unbiased way. I'm afraid I'm actually crazy and messed up beyond repair. I'm afraid everything he's said about me out of anger is really true.

 

[Pubert]

This is very relatable and I've felt this way a lot in my life. Whether you deserve it or not, it will not help you to think like this. If you do deserve it, and you really have hurt people, the best thing to do is to do something positive for them. If you can't contact them, then try to help someone else. If anything, your self hatred thought loop is a self fulfilling prophecy that helps no one and hurts yourself and others.

You deserve another chance because you have the potential to do something good with your presence. This is also a self fulfilling prophecy, but in a good way.

I know how hard it can be to stop self hatred, because even if you truly convince yourself that you deserve to live, your brain will still go back to these thoughts because it's made a habit of doing so.

Maybe I'm not seeing reality.

If you don't know what's happening for sure, and you don't think you can trust him 100%, then you need a third party. If you don't know anyone, then you can try to get a therapist.

 

[jawdropped123]

Its going to be ok people come and go if he is meant to be with you he will be there if he isnt there is always someone else that will cross you path one day. It hurts i know. But time heals

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine that it must be devastating and painful being in that situation. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are in so much pain. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Raggedyandy]

This is very relatable and I've felt this way a lot in my life. Whether you deserve it or not, it will not help you to think like this. If you do deserve it, and you really have hurt people, the best thing to do is to do something positive for them. If you can't contact them, then try to help someone else. If anything, your self hatred thought loop is a self fulfilling prophecy that helps no one and hurts yourself and others.

You deserve another chance because you have the potential to do something good with your presence. This is also a self fulfilling prophecy, but in a good way.

I know how hard it can be to stop self hatred, because even if you truly convince yourself that you deserve to live, your brain will still go back to these thoughts because it's made a habit of doing so.

If you don't know what's happening for sure, and you don't think you can trust him 100%, then you need a third party. If you don't know anyone, then you can try to get a therapist.

This is very relatable and I've felt this way a lot in my life. Whether you deserve it or not, it will not help you to think like this. If you do deserve it, and you really have hurt people, the best thing to do is to do something positive for them. If you can't contact them, then try to help someone else. If anything, your self hatred thought loop is a self fulfilling prophecy that helps no one and hurts yourself and others.

You deserve another chance because you have the potential to do something good with your presence. This is also a self fulfilling prophecy, but in a good way.

I know how hard it can be to stop self hatred, because even if you truly convince yourself that you deserve to live, your brain will still go back to these thoughts because it's made a habit of doing so.

If you don't know what's happening for sure, and you don't think you can trust him 100%, then you need a third party. If you don't know anyone, then you can try to get a therapist.

You're absolutely right. Thank you for the practical, go-forward perspective; it's something I strive for, but sometimes forget.

I actually just started with a therapist and have my second appointment on Monday so I'm looking forward to discussing this with her. I'm not sure how long I'll struggle with being unsure of reality (in terms of perspective on actions. Context: I have never felt this way in a relationship ever before, and I've dated several people, some multi-year relationships, so this is a very foreign, disorienting feeling to me) but I'm hoping that discussing it in therapy can shed some light. Even if I'll be sitting there going "is my perspective objective??" every 3 mins.

I think I need to let go of feeling like it's impossible to be objective -- because of course it's impossible to be 100% objective. What matters is a sustainable, healthy perspective focused on self-improvement, whatever that may look like.

 

[hopelessgirl]

I'm here to talk.