Venting I'm so tired

[orange]

I have to set my alarm two full hours before I have to get out of the house in the morning, one and a half of them I spend in bed hitting snooze and postponing it, and then 50 minutes of lethargically getting dressed and having breakfast. I leave home about 20 mins late and have to speed to uni.

I don't want to study. I don't want to work. There is no way I can be happy. I've always done everything I was supposed to and I'm left perpetually unhappy and suicidal. People are repulsed by me. I go from home to uni and from uni straight home every day. It literally only takes a few weeks for the people at whatever place I'm attending on the daily to start harassing me, happened at college, work, and now uni. My own birth giver strangled me last summer. I don't wanna say I'll ctb soon because I've been suicidal on and off since I was 5, but damn I fucking hope I do.

I think it was in this forum that I read someone say that we didn't want to die, we wanted to stop feeling like shit. I felt offended back then, but maybe they were right, because there is obviously something keeping me from leaving my house tomorrow with my 100g of SN and all the necessary meds and never coming back.

As I write this I'm setting my alarm for tomorrow at 5am to wake up early and study for an exam. Literally why do I do this to myself.

If you read all that, holy shit.

 

[CommitSudoku]

At least my 40 minutes of snoozing doesn't seem as bad now haha your morning routine sounds exhausting. I can relate with trying so many things and forcing myself to do them, yet I still end up the same. It's hard to manage every day when most, if not all, the days feel like a repetition of pointlessness but I have no idea where to find happiness in the day to day working life.

I'd be curious to know what something that is you mentioned if you ever figure it out. I wonder sometimes too if we doom ourselves by getting used to, and thus stuck, in our routines. Plus if we exhaust ourselves enough there just isn't enough energy left to do anything else I guess.

Good luck on your exam and best wishes going forward. I hope you can sleep well, at least.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can just be so depressing. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. I'm sorry that you are suffering, some people really are so cruel and can make our lives worse. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Ness]

I used to have the same problem of needing to set the alarms way before, now I just sleep through my classes. It's really difficult to muster up the energy needed for uni and work. And exams especially.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I'm so sorry for your suffering. Life can be truly unfair. I want you to know that you are not alone and good luck for the exam.

 

[Ness]

I grew up reading Harry Potter....

Dang, I was so tired I mistook your vent thread as my vent thread because mine also says I'm tired in the title. My bad. I'm poofing this out of your vent thread, because I finally have the brain cells to realize. Impressive, me, can't believe I caught it at all.

 

[solisoccasus]

I actually feel the same. I don't know if i really want to ctb but deep inside it has always been my desire. To end everything.