F
Freedom21
Member
- May 25, 2019
- 33
I keep trying partial with almost all my weight and all I get is some head pounding and not being able to breathe after a minute or two. I have had a terrible experience will full that failed and now unless I black out I don't want to do full. I can't keep practicing because I keep getting broken capillaries and sore throat. I have chronic illness that are exacerbated by stress so that's great. I feel like such a loser when I can't get it right. I don't want to go in pain and now I feel trapped. I am nowhere near functional right now and honestly considering disability. I now need to work on being more okay and try to apply for a gun or get access to drugs. I want out now but I have to get a little better to kill myself. I feel like that's so fucked up. I'm so tired, depressed and guilty . My parents love me so much and I feel like such a burden. I'm alone in my house right now and I honestly need someone to help me take care of my dog. I cry the whole day and I need to take him on walks and pay attention to him which I'm not doing. I'm might call my brother to come stay with me but I feel so guilty. I have always struggled with depression and anxiety since I was 9. I am now 25 and have health conditions on top on those. I'm just curious to see if anyone also has ic and ibs. Both keep my on the toilet for hours. I just tried bladder Botox and fuck I was in so much pain for the entire day after that. I also couldn't really wipe for 4 day after. I don't know how I'm in so much pain but can't fathom the idea of suffering for 20 minutes in full suspension. I know I'm absolutely miserable right now but I also refuse to feel that much pain in my final moment. Sorry for this monster of a paragraph. I also want to say I really only post on here when I'm in crisis but I love this community . I wish I could met and hug all of you. I never have met someone irl that I can talk about suicide stuff with. This community makes me feel less lonely even if I wish you guys were happy and pain free.