Venting I'm so tired of hurting

[ScorpiusDragon]

I feel like I'm constantly playing a role and nobody in my life really knows me. I feel so alone.
My boyfriend and I recently got into an argument. He told me, "I don't think your depression is real. I think you are just using it as an excuse." He doesn't know I visit a suicide forum everyday and he doesn't know I secretly bought all the supplies needed for the SN method. I don't think he will realize how "real" it is until the day the police knock on our apartment door and tell him I was found dead in a hotel room.
He doesn't understand me. But at the same time, he is my only IRL friend. He sacrificed so much for me, but at the same time, I sometimes feel like I'm forcing myself to stay alive for someone who doesn't even know me.

 

[heartless_95]

I'm really sorry that you're hurting and that your boyfriend is being so dismissive of your feelings *Hugs*
Does he often have this attitude towards your depression? If not then maybe it could be he is poor at communicating/doesn't know how to comfort you when you feel like this and is resorting to insulting you (really unhealthy behavior). If he is like this a lot .. then thats just contributing to your feelings of despair and he needs to understand that.
Do you have any family members who you could connect with? Have you tried therapy/meditation? Would hate to see you go if all your options for getting better have not been exhausted. Sending love and hugs your way

 

[wendydong1]

I feel like I'm constantly playing a role and nobody in my life really knows me. I feel so alone.
My boyfriend and I recently got into an argument. He told me, "I don't think your depression is real. I think you are just using it as an excuse." He doesn't know I visit a suicide forum everyday and he doesn't know I secretly bought all the supplies needed for the SN method. I don't think he will realize how "real" it is until the day the police knock on our apartment door and tell him I was found dead in a hotel room.
He doesn't understand me. But at the same time, he is my only IRL friend. He sacrificed so much for me, but at the same time, I sometimes feel like I'm forcing myself to stay alive for someone who doesn't even know me.

Hey, I am sorry you are in pain. You know in Chinese culture, depression is just not well known.. it's not a concept that's talked about...

 

[RedAlert]

Why are you in a relationship when you can't even love yourself? You should make a plan to try to tackle your depression and reveal that plan to him so he can take those steps with you for a healthier relationship, whether its through therapy, medication, exercise etc.

But if you think you can't do it and the mental illness is just too embedded than i think you should call it quits on the relationship before you cause heartbreak and guilt...guilt that can last for a lifetime.

 

[wendydong1]

Why are you in a relationship when you can't even love yourself? You should make a plan to try to tackle your depression and reveal that plan to him so he can take those steps with you for a healthier relationship, whether its through therapy, medication, exercise etc.

But if you think you can't do it and the mental illness is just too embedded than i think you should call it quits on the relationship before you cause heartbreak and guilt...guilt that can last for a lifetime.

I disagree... I cannot explain my reasoning, but I disagree...

 

[Karma]

I can relate to this feeling, I am only currently living to not disappoint the others around me.

My best advice I can give you is to just cut them off, it's the only way you'll be able to accept your own reality.

All in due time of course, don't make it an impulse decision you have to just let go, and everything will become easy after.

I am slowly but surely doing it myself.​

 

[Wayfaerer]

The people who have never been there will never understand. It's extremely frustrating when you have to conceal being suicidal from everyone.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

I'm really sorry that you're hurting and that your boyfriend is being so dismissive of your feelings *Hugs*
Does he often have this attitude towards your depression? If not then maybe it could be he is poor at communicating/doesn't know how to comfort you when you feel like this and is resorting to insulting you (really unhealthy behavior). If he is like this a lot .. then thats just contributing to your feelings of despair and he needs to understand that.
Do you have any family members who you could connect with? Have you tried therapy/meditation? Would hate to see you go if all your options for getting better have not been exhausted. Sending love and hugs your way ❤

I cut contact with my family. They are part of the reason I'm on this forum now.
And my bf has a tendency to blame a lot of things that are unrelated to my depression.

 

[262653]

"...I think you are just using it as an excuse."

Never understood these kind of lines. Just because an argument is used as an excuse doesn't make it any more or less valid. It seems as such person is wanting to send a specific message without stating it loud and clear. God, people are so annoying...

 

[bigj75]

Never understood these kind of lines. Just because an argument is used as an excuse doesn't make it any more or less valid. It seems as such person is wanting to send a specific message without stating it loud and clear. God, people are so annoying...

They don't have the awareness of what people go through. that's why they use lines like that. knowing how depression is i would never say that line to someone.

 

[Rachel74]

I cut contact with my family. They are part of the reason I'm on this forum now.
And my bf has a tendency to blame a lot of things that are unrelated to my depression.

My partner does that same because he can't understand my bipolar and my desire to commit suicide one day. He is the only good thing in my life and hes still here and still fighting for me.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

My partner does that same because he can't understand my bipolar and my desire to commit suicide one day. He is the only good thing in my life and hes still here and still fighting for me.

Trust me. I feel A LOT of guilt knowing what my death would do to him. He basically moved to another country just for me. He used to have a stable job and a close-knit family in his old country, and he gave all that up because he fell in love with me. He spoke almost no English when he first met me, and he is now taking English language classes everyday in the USA.

 

[Rachel74]

Trust me. I feel A LOT of guilt knowing what my death would do to him. He basically moved to another country just for me. He used to have a stable job and a close-knit family in his old country, and he gave all that up because he fell in love with me. He spoke almost no English when he first met me, and he is now taking English language classes everyday in the USA.

I have tried to end it with him several times so I could CTB but he's a persistent sod and I love him too much to do this.

 

[262653]

They don't have the awareness of what people go through. that's why they use lines like that. knowing how depression is i would never say that line to someone.

Maybe, but I was thinking about the "you just use X as an excuse" lines in general, which are usually expressed in absolute certainty. I do understand that our resources may be limited and we can only afford to reflect on the fewer things. Passing a quick judgement is an efficient way to deal with ones we deem insignificant. Still, such lack of discernment often bugs the hell out of me.

 

[inthespines]

I feel like I'm constantly playing a role and nobody in my life really knows me. I feel so alone.
My boyfriend and I recently got into an argument. He told me, "I don't think your depression is real. I think you are just using it as an excuse." He doesn't know I visit a suicide forum everyday and he doesn't know I secretly bought all the supplies needed for the SN method. I don't think he will realize how "real" it is until the day the police knock on our apartment door and tell him I was found dead in a hotel room.
He doesn't understand me. But at the same time, he is my only IRL friend. He sacrificed so much for me, but at the same time, I sometimes feel like I'm forcing myself to stay alive for someone who doesn't even know me.

How would you feel about telling him that you frequently visit this forum and that you have prepared the supplies? Maybe he doesn't understand how real it is. Or maybe he doesn't want to understand as sort of a defensive mechanism.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

How would you feel about telling him that you frequently visit this forum and that you have prepared the supplies? Maybe he doesn't understand how real it is. Or maybe he doesn't want to understand as sort of a defensive mechanism.

I don't think that will help me. He will just throw away my supplies and have me hospitalized. Then when I get out of the hospital, I will have a hospital bill and I will no longer have my escape route.

 

[EmptySteph62]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it must be terrible to have your only friend react this way. Sending Hugs and I'm always here if u need to chat
I can relate to this tho, my moms bf is always telling me that mental illness isn't real and it's just the doctors making stuff up so they can sell more drugs and that I need to get over myself.
It sucks and its lonely as hell, I feel you my friend.