Venting im so tired of feeling things

[coolgal82]

i either feel too much or not enough i hate it i hate it i hate it i want to be normal i will never be normal i have to die

i wish i had the courage to ctb but i cant im stuck in a limbo where like i love my besties and when im with them i dont wanna die and i feel fine and even happy most of the time and thats just enough for me to not ctb but when theyre gone it hurts

part of me wants them to leave me and say they hate me so i can just ctb. but like i've said all of this before. the main thing that sparked it this time was like idk how long ago when this bitch i hate because it feels like shes going to replace me joined vc and i kinda freaked the fuck out and that was an awful night, then the one after that it hit me that they (she and my bestie) could be talking by phone and almost certainly are in dms and like i wasnt feeling that bad but that completely ruined my mood for that night aaa i need her dead i need her gone i fucking hate her so goddamn much and the worst bit is theres FUCKING NOTHING I CAN DO TO GET RID OF HER she hasnt done anything bad directly or anything and wont and i cant get her out i cant get rid of her i fucking need her gone NOW the thought of them interacting just fucking terrifies me

i kinda said this in my vent thread in the sanctuary but i dont get why im literally fine with my bestie and her bf (hes the second bestie its not quite the same i dont think? but hes awesome) im literally their biggest supporter i love when its just us in vc ive been called the professional third wheel many times lmao, and im not that bad with her other bestie (although despite both of those if theyre talking to eachother without me it makes me wanna kill myself) but its just this bitch for some reason??? idk. im just so tired. i dont wanna deal with this anymore.

 

[coolgal82]

i was gonna say more b ut like im drunk rn and forgor whati was gonna say idk something about this post being still real though and some reason idk

 

[Namelesa]

I am like this as well. My default state is normally empty and I try to get rid of that feeling through things like work, friendships and relationships. That can lead to very positive emotions but something will often happen such as burnout, paranoia, fear of abandonment, splitting etc to make me feel very negative. I am either in a cycle of intense mood swings or being empty.

I am sorry you fear that you could be replaced. If you think you can open up your emotions to your bestie and that she is trustworthy, maybe talk about your insecurities to her and she might comfort you?

 

[coolgal82]

I am like this as well. My default state is normally empty and I try to get rid of that feeling through things like work, friendships and relationships. That can lead to very positive emotions but something will often happen such as burnout, paranoia, fear of abandonment, splitting etc to make me feel very negative. I am either in a cycle of intense mood swings or being empty.

I am sorry you fear that you could be replaced. If you think you can open up your emotions to your bestie and that she is trustworthy, maybe talk about your insecurities to her and she might comfort you?

idk i wanna tell her but then im scared shes gonna think im crazy and hate me, also like tbh i feel like no matter what she says that wont stop me feeling that way, i've tried like asking for reassurances before in the past cus i thought that might help but it does nothing (i still end up doing it sometimes but idk)