Venting I’m so tired of everything

[cjb]

please bare with me, i've had half a bottle of vodka before i wrote this.

Diagnosis's:
-EDS
-gastroparesis
-POTS
-borderline personality disorder
-lung deformities
-Anorexia
-Bulimia
-CPTSD
-autism
-adhd
-treatment resistant depression
-panic disorder/anxiety
-Bipolar disorder (Type 1)

i was born at 23 weeks gestation, 1lb at birth and in the NICU for 3 months. I've been sick and disabled my whole life; lung infections, eye surgeries, blood transfusions; medically, you name it, i've had it done.

I struggled with making friends and was bullied through elementary, middle school, and high school. I had developed an ED by the age of 7, and now at 22 I still am struggling with it. I'm a poly-substance addict as well.

I spend ages 14-21 in and out of psych wards, tried every medication you could think of. Nothing helped; nothing has worked.

I currently am surviving solely on my loved ones and I feel like the biggest burden in the world. I always have felt like that, but now that I'm an adult and not living on my own dime I feel like an even bigger piece of shit. The thing is, I don't judge others in the same/worse position than I am in. I try to be compassionate.
Thing is, i've noticed society could really give less of a fuck about people who are mentally ill and/or physically disabled.

I'm so tired of this life. I want help, but no one wants to give it to me or help me in finding it.
My sperm donors family cut contact with me 10 years ago because I am "committing a sin" by being bisexual. He doesn't care about me.
The only reason I hang on for now is my mother. Once she's gone, so am I.

thank you for taking the time to read, and understanding my reasoning for ctb.

 

[SolomonKado]

please bare with me, i've had half a bottle of vodka before i wrote this.

Diagnosis's:
-EDS
-gastroparesis
-POTS
-borderline personality disorder
-lung deformities
-Anorexia
-Bulimia
-CPTSD
-autism
-adhd
-treatment resistant depression
-panic disorder/anxiety
-Bipolar disorder (Type 1)

i was born at 23 weeks gestation, 1lb at birth and in the NICU for 3 months. I've been sick and disabled my whole life; lung infections, eye surgeries, blood transfusions; medically, you name it, i've had it done.

I struggled with making friends and was bullied through elementary, middle school, and high school. I had developed an ED by the age of 7, and now at 22 I still am struggling with it. I'm a poly-substance addict as well.

I spend ages 14-21 in and out of psych wards, tried every medication you could think of. Nothing helped; nothing has worked.

I currently am surviving solely on my loved ones and I feel like the biggest burden in the world. I always have felt like that, but now that I'm an adult and not living on my own dime I feel like an even bigger piece of shit. The thing is, I don't judge others in the same/worse position than I am in. I try to be compassionate.
Thing is, i've noticed society could really give less of a fuck about people who are mentally ill and/or physically disabled.

I'm so tired of this life. I want help, but no one wants to give it to me or help me in finding it.
My sperm donors family cut contact with me 10 years ago because I am "committing a sin" by being bisexual. He doesn't care about me.
The only reason I hang on for now is my mother. Once she's gone, so am I.

thank you for taking the time to read, and understanding my reasoning for ctb.

To have made it to 22 is an accomplishment with everything you're going through. I know I'm just a stranger, but I'm proud of you for getting that far with everything you're dealing with. It must be like a living hell right now and has probably been for such a long time.

Being bullied through school, your sperm donor dipping out on you, even combined with everything else throughout life has left you with some ridiculously deep scars to deal with. I don't know if you and your donor were close before, but that's a horrible thing to do ever….

I absolutely know the medical system is so trash that even doctors are committing suicide, something like 200 a year in USA. All because of how it's ran or even bad doctors giving it a bad name. You don't need that right now. You just need relief as quick as possible. This world can be so ridiculously difficult to exist in.

I'm thankful you have loved ones to help. Both my parents died before I was 20 in horrible separate accidents and now, since my life has fallen apart, I am alone trying to get out of bed each day with my own medical problems. I wouldn't wish being alone on anyone going through the worst of situations. Especially when you just want to shut down for good.

I don't blame you for feeling like a burden. Just remember this is your head that's been trained from so much pain you've dealt with in your life attacking you. Doesn't make it easier knowing that, but you seem to be fighting for your life on all fronts and I wish so much that I could take it all away. Even for a short while to give you a break.

I don't know what your plan is, but I hope it ultimately ends in you finding peace. You need as much of it as you can get right now. If I could give you a huge hug right now I would. There are people here who understand exactly what you're goin through and will help you anyway we can. Your not alone here.❤

PM me anytime. If I can help in anyway I will try.

 

[cjb]

To have made it to 22 is an accomplishment with everything you're going through. I know I'm just a stranger, but I'm proud of you for getting that far with everything you're dealing with. It must be like a living hell right now and has probably been for such a long time.

Being bullied through school, your sperm donor dipping out on you, even combined with everything else throughout life has left you with some ridiculously deep scars to deal with. I don't know if you and your donor were close before, but that's a horrible thing to do ever….

I absolutely know the medical system is so trash that even doctors are committing suicide, something like 200 a year in USA. All because of how it's ran or even bad doctors giving it a bad name. You don't need that right now. You just need relief as quick as possible. This world can be so ridiculously difficult to exist in.

I'm thankful you have loved ones to help. Both my parents died before I was 20 in horrible separate accidents and now, since my life has fallen apart, I am alone trying to get out of bed each day with my own medical problems. I wouldn't wish being alone on anyone going through the worst of situations. Especially when you just want to shut down for good.

I don't blame you for feeling like a burden. Just remember this is your head that's been trained from so much pain you've dealt with in your life attacking you. Doesn't make it easier knowing that, but you seem to be fighting for your life on all fronts and I wish so much that I could take it all away. Even for a short while to give you a break.

I don't know what your plan is, but I hope it ultimately ends in you finding peace. You need as much of it as you can get right now. If I could give you a huge hug right now I would. There are people here who understand exactly what you're goin through and will help you anyway we can. Your not alone here.❤

PM me anytime. If I can help in anyway I will try.

i needed this message so badly tonight. thank you so so incredibly much for your support. i'm sorry life has been shitty to you too. you deserve so much love in life. My PM's are open to you (and to anyone who needs a friend)

 

[SolomonKado]

i needed this message so badly tonight. thank you so so incredibly much for your support. i'm sorry life has been shitty to you too. you deserve so much love in life. My PM's are open to you (and to anyone who needs a friend)

Anytime always

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so dreadful what you've had to endure, it must be really tiring, it's cruel how people have to suffer so much. But anyway best wishes.